Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Exodus 14:14

As I lay here on the couch attempting to type up all my thoughts, I'm at a loss of where to start.
I still need to post about last weekend...and then about last week...and then about the house.

But, tonight is going to be on today/last night. It's needed. The ability to "dump" it all out of my brain and release the buildup is just one blessing and nugget about today.

So here goes...

Last night was about as low as it's gotten. Well, maybe not completely, it did feel like it at the moment though.

Cale's anger is not different as far as the anger or how often it happens, but I have realized as of last night when my head hit the pillow with tears streaming down my cheeks, that his anger has transitioned into a more mature kind of anger. Does that make sense?

Before, he would just get angry and throw a fit very similar to a child. A few minutes later he would forget. The whole thing had been forgotten. More recent, it's been that he'll get angry, forget a couple minutes later why he was angry but give him about 15 minutes and then he would finally "reset" and be perfectly fine. While in Colorado (that's what I need to update about last week!), we started to transition again, and last night we were full into a new stage. Oh goody.

Actually, it shows more healing. Which is awesome. And...a whole other adventure.

Going back to last night, Cale ended up on the couch to sleep (his choice!) and would not for anything come to the room with me. Words like liar, dumb, and divorce were all thrown at me.

Finally at about 1:30 this morning after I tossed and turned, I woke him up and led him to our room. You would think after all that time the reset would have happened, but it didn't! He was still mad! Wouldn't let me touch him except for him needing help with balance.

Stinker.

This morning was the start to a new day. Exhausted, but still a new day.

After being awake for a while and after doing some things around the house, I logged onto Facebook and saw that one of my friends had posted a verse as their status. By no means is it the first time or the only one today, but this verse hit me. Stopped me in my tracks.

I reread it several times. Chewing each word wanting to fully grasp the meaning and what it said. I've read it many times before, but for today it was new.

Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."
The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."
The LORD is fighting for you! So be still!"
The Lord will fight for you; you must be quiet.”

After the battle last night, I needed the reminder of the Lord fighting for me! And at this point, I had no idea what the rest of the day had in store for me...

Not too much longer Cale started to get upset again. I was able to let the conversation drop and as I finished up things like making my bed, I decided I needed some good worship music.

First song that came on was Find You On my knees by Kari Jobe. Beautiful. Again, I've listened to this song many many times before, but for today, it was new.

Every word of the song felt like it was right out of my heart. It literally took me to my knees.



As I sang, there was no lack of passion for sure.

Before the song could even finish, I heard Cale in the living room yelling at Mama. I rushed out to see what was going on and by the time I came, Cale was headed out the front door saying that he was leaving.

I let him go out when it became obvious nothing I was going to say was going to help. He went straight to the cars trying to open each door and when realizing all of them were locked, he just stood there next to them.

I didn't want to be in his bubble, so I plopped myself down on our ramp. I'm sure I could have found a cleaner place to lay down, but it seemed fine enough in the moment.

Want to know what popped in my head instantly?

Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."
The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."
The LORD is fighting for you! So be still!"
The Lord will fight for you; you must be quiet.”

Be still...stay calm...be quiet.

Comfort.

The reminder.

His faithfulness.

I waited...



After a long while, I headed inside and sat at the table. I could see him out the window wondering when his reset was going to come. Surely it was anytime, right?

After about another 15 minutes, Mama and I watched out the front as Cale used the railing on the ramp to walk in front of the house. Curious of what he was doing on the other side of the ramp...

Next we see him fall down and backwards on purpose. I think if he would have had something to grab onto maybe it would have been a little  softer...

At this point I decided to go back out and see what was going on.

He's scooting on his bum across the front yard.

No joke.

When I asked what he was doing the only reply given was, "I'm leaving."

Ok...

So, I let him go as I followed behind.

He scooted all the way to the fence and then used it to lift himself up. He then used the fence to help walk until it ended. Next he kind of just hobbled the rest of the way to our neighbor's house.

I stayed back on the sidewalk as he walked up their pathway to the front door, knocked and then went inside.

Emily gave me a look and I motioned that I would call.

I sent a text letting her know he was upset and found a spot in her yard...then I waited some more...


This time Scratch our cat decided to join me :)



As I laid there in the yard waiting yet again, want to know what came to mind?

Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."
The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."
The LORD is fighting for you! So be still!"
The Lord will fight for you; you must be quiet.”
The reminder. Again. As tears fell I still had the reminder the Lord fights for me.

Be still...be calm...be quiet...



Finally I decided to try to go in and see if he'd come home with me. Mission accomplished.


By the time our little adventure was over, I was drained. I could hardly focus or get myself off the couch. My SIL sent me a text telling me to check my email. I don't think she had planned this for today because I'm not sure if she had even known the extent at that point, but she sent a gift certificate for a spa treatment for me to get some time to relax and not have to think about anything for a little bit!! It was so unexpected and PERFECT, let me just type that again, PERFECT for today.

What a blessing. Really. A simple thought, a generous gift for a perfect time.

I fixed up my puffy eyes and had to head off to an important meeting. To shorten the story for now, we decided not to go with the house that we made the offer on (more to come later...) and rather went to talk to builders of a development close by about a home. They offered to help us out a little for advertisement.

I honestly had kind of the wrong attitude going up. I was tired and not in the mood. I also didn't think they would be able to get a home that would fit our needs.

I'll write more about how that all went later, but at least for a partial update...

It was awesome! And, keep praying :)

On my way home, all I could think about was how drained I felt. You know that feeling after you have an ugly cry? Yep...that plus some.

I walked in the door and went straight to see how Cale was doing. He was fine and I was able to cuddle up with him. Love!

I then went to the kitchen and started telling Mama all about the house and the changes we would make and the options we have and how it actually fit our needs. Mama guided me to the dining room to sit and then I saw it...

My eyes looked at it, back at Mama, back at it...

speechless.

What is this?

Mama said someone dropped it off today. She didn't know who, but she assumed it was for me...

Be still...be calm...be quiet...



I went straight to my knees...again. Tears...again.

Sometimes, you may not be able to clearly see Jesus.

We're distracted. We're blind. We're busy. We're lost. We're afraid.

Exsqueeeeeze me...

How can you take one more breath and not see?!?!

Crazy.

I had to take a moment before I could even speak.

He is faithful. Not only is the Lord fighting for me, He's pouring His love on me.

Whoever you are that took the sweet sweet step and blessed me abundantly, thank you.

You see friends, this wasn't an easy day. It wasn't a day that I could be all bouncy and bubbly. It wasn't a day that I could even move myself.

But my Jesus knew.

He met me where I was at, each moment of the day.

Find You On My Knees by Kari Jobe

Troubles chasin me again,
Breaking down my best defence,
I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you
Weary just won't let me rest, and fear is filling up my head.
I'm longing, God I'm longing for you

But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.

So what if sorrow shakes my faith,
What if heartache still remains,
I'll trust you, my god I'll trust you.
'Cas u are faithful and
I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/k/kari-jobe-lyrics/find-you-on-my-knees-lyrics.html ]
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
Find you on my knees, my knees.

When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong
When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal
When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that

You lift me up, you'll never leave me searching,
Find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.


p.s. Thank you Emma for being obedient and posting the verse! Love you Girl!





Monday, June 18, 2012

Delayed again.

A new post is coming...

soon.

Thanks for praying for us...

you're a blessing.

Today was a great day...

praise God!

More to come...

tomorrow?

Thursday, June 7, 2012

This & that...

Two. Words.

Farm Chicks.

Simply Amazing.

Mama and I booked our hotel a while ago and have been looking forward to the weekend!  One reason is because we haven't been able to spend much time just the two of us lately and also because, well, Farm Chicks is FULL of treasures. We couldn't wait to find some!

We have some friends that have been going for years. Unfortunately they weren't able to go this year though. I've been seeing their pictures for the last few years and finally was able to go.

Two. more. words.

Girl Time.

It was so good to get away with Mama and be so super silly with her. It's always good. Part of our adventure led to us using terrible southern accents while searching for a Wal-Mart in the middle of nowhere. Good times.

Ready to hunt!


We waited in line in the rain with smiles :)


One of my favorite finds of the day was a chandelier for $15! I know the perfect spot for it at our new home!

Some BIG news to update on...


It's all happening so fast. I thought with the specific needs we have with Cale's disability and Mama living with us, that it was going to take forever to find a home. Not the case for us! I had decided the final yes or no was going to be determined after Frank took a look at everything. There were a few things he pointed out that are potential problems so we'll have the inspector take a look, but so far all is a go! We made our offer that night, they accepted, and we're buying a home!!!!!!! Crazy!


When we left the office after first signing the documents to make our offer, I was telling Mama about how so many nights I sat in a hospital room asking the Lord, "how is this all going to turn out?" "How will this work?" Now, we're in the process of buying a home. Our home. It's more than I could have ever imagined. There's a bubble of joy bursting in me! The Lord didn't have to set things perfectly planned to provide for us in the way that we have been so blessed with. Being thankful...feels like an understatement. I'm speechless.

This next week the Darlings are taking another trip that was planned months ago, so we'll miss the inspection. It could have been this week, but we really wanted Frank to be there since he knows all the things to ask and make sure is checked. If all goes smoothly, as of now our closing date is July 18th!! Praise the Lord!

Once we have the keys (and the it's officially OUR home!!!!!!!!!), there are a few things that need to be done before moving us in. Because of Cale's toleration level being so low and needing a comfortable peaceful home for him to move into, we won't be moving right in. I've been in contact with the VA about the adaptive housing benefit, but I found out today that Cale wasn't even rated for it. To go through the whole process of getting him rated and then going through the application process, it could take months and months before anything is started. Although we don't have to rush out of the house we're in, we also don't want to wait 6 months to a year after getting the keys to move.

So, that leads us to continuing The Darling Project. If you would pray about how this might be a way for you to help get the home ready for Cale, we would love to have you join us! We basically just need to raise money to help with the flooring. Right now it's all carpet and to help Cale have full independence, we'll need to take the carpet out and put in some solid flooring.

Do you know how to do this and want to give time? Do you know a great fundraiser that you could put together to help financially?

Just send me an email if you need more info! :)

For those of you asking for pictures...I will get one on here soon!

Cale continues to work so hard in PT. I was telling him this afternoon when we left how proud I am of him. He works so hard. I can see it all over his face when I watch him in every session. His PT is really working on his balance and challenging him to do things without holding on to something. His reasoning to push him so much in that way is because if he's holding our baby one day, he's not going to have free hands to grab for help! He's having Cale do things that take a huge step of overcoming fear for Cale. His brain doesn't trust his leg and just to get it somewhat lifted takes incredible effort. What impresses me so much is that even though Cale is afraid to do it because he might fall, he does it. He continues to try everything asked, push himself to do his best, and keeps going. He's quite the man...

I took a couple videos, but I've just been using my phone and I always do it the wrong way so they come out sideways. Oops!


I'm not complaining, but I am curious...what is going on with this weather?! It's June and instead of my flip flops, I'm wearing rain boots. Instead of the AC in the car, my heater is on, and instead of smoothies for breakfast I want soup! The western side of the state may be used to this whole cold rain stuff, but we're not on this side of the state!! Since it's been so coldy here, we've been home playing games and bundled up!


The other night we finally gave Mama her Mother's Day gift. She's has wanted pictures done with us for a long time, but we just have never done it. One of my friends that I met through this great little blog takes pictures as a hobby and I think she happens to do a great job! She was willing to snap a few and have some fun with us...


This one is one of my all time favorites! I love every little detail of it...


Isn't she beautiful...?


Today I was in the room surrounded by paperwork, reading emails, and making phone calls. It's been my life the last week or so...or maybe the last 2 years?! As I was sitting there, I took a picture of how my day was unfolding...


I was in our spare room hanging out and working hard until someone decided it was time for distraction...


I don't know about you, but he's a pretty good lookin' distraction! :)

So...I'm going to die Saturday! Yikes...a couple months ago, weeks ago? Hmm...I have no idea when it was, I agreed to do the Tough Rhino Mud Run. You see friends, in my head, I'm sporty and fit. Bring it on! Reality, I'm not sporty or fit. Oh goodness. What have I gotten myself into? I kind of pictured this large area of mud that I, along with my friends would run and play in. We'd laugh and have a good ol' time. Somehow, I'm thinking that may not be how it's going to be...

It's been nice bloggin' with ya...

Friday, June 1, 2012

100%

"Whatever your 100% looks like, GIVE it." -Lance Armstrong

We have two sessions a week of PT and Speech for 12 weeks. Blessed. Beyond that, we have no clue if there will be anymore, but I'm so thankful we were able to at least receive that!

This last week was has been just PT. Cale went Wednesday and right off the bat his PT was challenging him. Balance is a difficult thing to retrain your brain and body. Cale has been able to come up with a way to compensate, but with that comes "bad habits" that actually make his balance worse. Any kind of retraining causes Cale's frustration to escalate because it's so difficult for him.

The first exercise his PT had him do was with a screen and a mat that he stood on that would show where all of his weight was at. He had done this in Palo Alto as well. Cale was having difficulty nut I could see the determination in his eyes. After a short time, he did become extremely upset and walked away from the PT. I sat with him for about 10 minutes refocusing his attention and then he was back up for more work. The next thing was working between the bars trying to step one foot in front of the other. He was unsuccessful, but the blessing was that he was trying so hard over and over again.

On the wall to the side read the quote above from Lance Armstrong. I sat there watching my man struggle and fight...giving everything he had to work at the task at hand. Even though he wasn't able to accomplish complete balance, he accomplished giving his 100% the best that he was able.

How frustrating it must be to know that you should be able to do something but you can't get your body to do it!

Thinking of the word "empowered" I would say that was a moment for me. My husband empowers me to give it all...to work my hardest...to give my 100% whatever that may look like.



While I was in OK City for the retreat a couple weeks ago, Chris took Cale paintballing! I was finally able to talk to Chris about how it actually went. He said Cale sat out off and on because he was tired, but basically they found him a spot to stay in and he would shoot! The first couple games were in a large area so Cale said it was dumb because he stayed in one place and the guys didn't really go near where he was at, but they ended up switching to a smaller area so the spot he had was right in the middle of everyone. It's always so incredible to me finding things that Cale can do and some of them don't work out and turn out to be a disaster, but we'll never know if we don't give him the opportunity!

A funny thing from Cale...

When you say "hello" or "hi" he'll let you know which one you're supposed to say based on who is "higher" or not. For instance, if I'm sitting down and he's standing, I'm supposed to say "high" to him and he says "hellow" to me because I'm lower than he is. Next to him it's the same when I'm standing or sitting of course! He's so stinkin' tall! Haha! 

Tonight we have an appointment to look at the house we're interested in! Cale hasn't seen it yet, so this is when he will and we're having Frank walk through with us. Frank is a crazy huge blessing in our lives. He's extremely  knowledgeable about houses and a retired contractor. He's also very honest and won't let us end up with a junker  house. I respect him and admire him and completely trust his judgment.

Please join us in praying for wisdom for me, wisdom for Frank tonight as he looks at the inside, and that the Lord would make it crystal clear if this is the house for us. I don't want my decision to be on how much I love it and think it's perfect...I want the home the Lord already has planned for us!

Oh goodness! I'm so stinkin' excited! Yesterday I went with Mama to the store and we couldn't help ourselves...we had to pick up some paint samples! Eeeeeeek!