I hate brain injury.
I hate what it has stolen from us.
I hate how it makes itself known daily.
I hate that we fight against it consuming us constantly.
I hate what it's done to our marriage.
I hate the way it has changed our life.
BUT
I love Jesus.
I love all the sweet sweet gifts He's given us.
I love that He makes himself known daily.
I love the true joy that comes when He consumes us.
I love how He gives us the ability to love in our marriage.
I love that He is changing our life to be more like Him.
There is beauty in our life that would not be if we didn't have Jesus. We have two little ones that are the sweetest of gifts and we are so thankful!
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” -C.S. Lewis
Marriage happened for us. For two young kids, love came. We had no idea what we were doing. We had no idea what being married and reflecting Christ in our marriage actually meant but we knew we wanted it. We wanted the whole package.
We adventured in the military. We prayed often together and a part that God would use us. He brought lonely wives into my life that I was able to open up my home and heart to and be Jesus to them. He gave Cale many opportunities to be an example of what a godly man looked like.
We dove into life ready.
We were ready for whatever God had in store. We felt as if we had everything ready to make it through whatever battles came because we had God. We had each other.
There were a lot of hard moments that caused growth in us that we didn't desire. Looking back, it was preparing us for a storm that would come in so quick there would be no time to take cover.
A storm so big it would rock us to our cores.
Cale and I have been reflecting a lot lately in our bedtime discussions about how crazy it is that we're about to welcome another little baby into this world.
Are we sure we can do this?
Is God sure we can do this?
Can we be the very best mommy and daddy to this little boy?
How did we get here?
How did we make it to this place?
We are not out of the hard stuff. We never will be. Often this is one of the biggest pains I experience. There is no "other side." There is no grieving and then moving on. We wake up everyday and there is brain injury in our life. It will always be in our life.
At times, I feel like I could be better used by God if there was a way to be out of the storm. Like, if we were in the "rebuilding" stage. I feel like it would make more sense for us to have babies and our growing family if we were on the other side of all the hard junk we walk through. Ya know?
But that's not what God has planned for us. And as time goes on, the more I'm ok with that.
When I pause and look at the gifts He's given. The way that He is so faithful even when I fail Him over and over and over again- I know that He makes it all beautiful.
Maybe not to everyone. I know that. I know many people look at our life and think we're bonkers (the secret is that we are!) but I know God sees so much beauty...and so do I.
My sweet Nora is starting to really learn the very simple and basic truths of Jesus. She prays in the car while we drive down the road, thanking God for everything and anything. She names whatever she sees. Shouldn't we all be like that?!
Through loving Cale, even through all of the pain my heart has experienced and many days still feels as though all of it is so raw; I experience Jesus.
Through every day that Cale battles for life. A life of somewhat normalcy; He is met by Jesus.
One day, we'll walk on the other side and have victory. We know this. Most of the time its a distant truth...but it's a promise we wait for. And until then, we want to live every day seeing and being oh so aware of the beauty He's flooded our life with.
There is so so so much beauty.
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We are SO thankful for someone who really has become a friend and not just a lady that has taken our pictures. Ann has been AMAZING and worked so well with my crazy family in getting these beautiful shots. I have NO clue how she was able to capture us while we were drenched with sweat, Nora was chewing candy and Cale's eyes were bothering him...but she did and you can't tell that any of the messy parts happened!
She'll be taking pictures at E's birth and I know she'll do an incredible job with that as well!
If you're local and need someone who is INCREDIBLE snag her up soon! She's also growing with a sweet baby and will be on maternity leave before too long!
