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Monday, August 16, 2021

Dreams.

Third post in a month- surprised? Ha.  

I'm sharing this sooner than I had planned. Yet, because of a moment that happened last night, I can't wait any longer. It was amazing and in the midst of it, the words came for me to share with all of you. So, here it goes...I'm going to launch right into it. 

As many of you know, Cale and I were 18 when we decided to get married. He was joining the Army and we ended up after prayer, 24 hours of not seeing each other and conversations with people in our lives who had wisdom to share, we said, "I do." 

It was crazy. It was...I would rather neither of my kiddos ever put the details of our age and marriage together. Haha. Anyways, we landed at Fort Drum, NY later that year and I had gone to a presentation on post for new Army wives. I was excited to meet people so I was there to get all the info. 

While waiting in the little waiting room, I read through a magazine that had been sitting on the corner table. I flipped through it mindlessly until a story caught my eye. I've always loved babies and on the left side of one of the pages, it showed a Mom, Dad and their new baby. Sweet picture- totally grabbed my attention. I began reading the story on the right side of the article. 

This couple had desperately wanted a baby and after years of trying and not able to and after seeking medical help that led to even more disappointment, they decided to find a surrogate-someone to carry their baby. The line that has stuck with me all these years, "We wanted to be able to look down and see our features in our baby." They had someone else carry their baby- this was wild to me and also stirred in my heart a dream that I have continued to pray about since that day. At 18 I declared to my husband once he was home from work, "I'm going to carry a baby for someone one day!" 

We were young and had not a true clue about too much in life at that point but I began to pray and Cale thought it was a cool idea and wasn't surprised in the slightest. 

I began to tell people. Responses were mixed with 

"sounds crazy" 

"Kathleen, you're too sensitive to do something like that. You could never give a baby away after carrying it." 

"You have no idea what it's like to carry a baby and feel them inside of you."

"Pregnancy is hard. Not sure about that."

"I can totally see you doing that." 

It's true. I had never experienced being pregnant but it didn't matter. I continued to pray. Over time I learned there are agencies you can connect with and they'll find you someone but I felt strongly to wait. Pray and continue to pray. 

After the accident, I was pretty certain for a while we weren't going to be able to have our own baby. Kids were not going to happen for us but I held to the dream of maybe being able to carry for someone else.  

Nora came into the picture. All the emotions of the positive test and feeling her move within me were beautiful and overwhelming. I loved being pregnant. I loved the bond that grew with in the days that passed. Birth was hard- so hard but so amazing. That same week I said, "I can still do that for someone else." 

Becoming a mommy, wow. I felt like I settled in to the role loving it fully. All the extra adventure that came with baby and brain injury- I love it. 

Easton came. Whew! He changed everything in our life. 

Second pregnancy- incredible. Every part of it was so wonderful and then came birth- It was again, amazing.

That same week I said, "I still hope I can be pregnant for someone else." And even through both pregnancies I talked about the dream I longed for. 

Time kept going. Days rolled by and the dream was feeling farther away since nothing had even come close to happening. 

April 2019 I was at a friends baby shower and the ladies were all talking about their pregnancies. It came up how much I loved being pregnant and then one of my friends said "Kathleen loved it so much she wants to be pregnant for someone else!" I made a comment about how it was true but nothing was happening!

Just a couple weeks later I got a text from my friend Carrie on April 20, 2019

Random question: are you still interested in being a surrogate?

Umm... YES. My heart was racing instantly. Could this actually be happening?! 

Kathleen. Girl. Don't get too excited. BUT oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my goooooooodness.

Pray. Oh that's a great idea...pray. Breathe. Pray. 

April 22, 2019 I had my first conversation with Jamie. 

Just a couple months later after some medical news on their part and some issues with insurance, everything stopped. I thought it was over. I still had hope but it felt like there was no way to make it happen.

Summer days went on and into the fall we went. 

Jamie reached out and asked if I was still interested. Absolutely! Things picked up and everything was starting once again. 

There are so many details I could write about but it would just be too much. I'm going to fast forward through some ups and downs. 

Several cycles were done to try to get an embryo and it just wasn't successful. 

Jamie was doing one last try. We were waiting for results and as I drove down the road, the song Waymaker came on. I was alone in the van and sang that song louder than I think I've ever sung any song. I screamed it with tears running down my cheeks. 

Lord, YOU ARE THE WAY MAKER, MIRACLE WORKER. I trust you Lord. I trust you. I know that you can make a way for this baby to come. I know you can. You didn't promise this to me but I know you can make a way. 

He didn't. Not that time. News came back we lost the embryo. 

It was over. The dream that I had held onto for so long was gone. 

It hurt to the deepest parts of my heart. It was August 2020 and it felt like so much time had been wrapped up in something that was just gone. 

I also didn't know how to react to Jamie. I knew her and her husband were hurting so deeply. Could I text? Should I? Call? Be silent? I didn't know and that was probably the hardest part. I had grown to love her and care for her- and to lose the dream of baby and the relationship, I just hurt. 

The following month Jamie let me know they were thinking about trying one last time. After conversations with her doc, they had come up with a plan and with the adjustment of meds there was a possibility for a different outcome. 

Way Maker, Miracle Worker. 

That song played so many times during her last cycle and once again we waited for results. There was just one embryo being sent off this time and once I heard that, man. It felt like we already knew it wasn't going to be news we wanted to here. Previously we had sent off multiple embryos and lost them all. Surely if we were sending one off, it was going to be lost as well.  

I was again driving down the road. Again, had tears flooding down my cheeks as I screamed out, "Lord! YOU ARE THE WAY MAKER, MIRACLE WORKER. It's who you are. YOU CAN DO THIS. I trust you. I know you can make a way and if not, I still trust you. You are always good. Always." 

This time it was different news. 

Last time. 

One embryo. 

One perfect baby girl. 

Golly. 

Shots & meds for me started. 

Transfer happened. 

So many more details but to wrap up... baby girl is still healthy and strong. 

Last night, I went to a women's event and the third worship song came on and my heart exploded. I sang and once again tears came. Baby girl was moving wildly inside me as I worshipped and sang out Way Maker, Miracle Worker...

He didn't have to. He didn't have to make a way but He did. He made a way and there I was being reminded of those hot tears of desperation for a way to be made. A miracle to happen. 

I praised Him for His goodness. I thanked HIm for the miracle of baby girl. 

He was working the whole time. I didn't see it the whole time but He was working. 


First coffee date! 




Transfer Day!!!!


This was after finding out my blood test was positive! 












Wearing Belly Buds so Baby Girl gets to hear her mommas voice! 



I'm 34. This dream began at 18...waiting. It's a thing in this life. We wait for lots of different kinds of things. Some of them are never answered the way we would like them to be. Cale's full healing, it hasn't happened. One day, he will be whole. This side of Heaven, I'll still be waiting. Some things we wait for are good and beautiful things. Some things are scary and challenging. 

God's word is FULL of waiting. 

Over and over His perfect timing is revealed to be just that- perfect. Whether it's the current generation or generations down the line. Whether it's here on earth or not until eternity. 

This journey is...well, I don't have words. It's just amazing but the fruit that has come out of it- watching my sweet 7 year old lay her hands on my belly and pray for this sweet baby inside of me...so much beauty. 

It's not over. We still have 9 weeks left. 

The moment this sweet girl is lifted into her mommy's arms...unspeakable overwhelming joy. 

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This is so long- sorry. I literally could have written so many more details but some of it isn't my story to share. I'm sure you have questions about how Cale is handling it as well as the kiddos. Later I can say more but to keep this short, they're all doing so wonderfully with it all! 

Although...Easton is ready for mommy to wrestle him again...

:)  

Friday, August 13, 2021

SUMMER

Summer. We are a summer family. Well...Mama sweats into a puddle all summer. The NC humidity gets her even while in an airconditioned house. Cale doesn't love summer anymore but the kids and I love it. Especially me. 


I thought a fun way to update on a few things going on in our life would be to do a "flashback" and then a "present" for each post. 


FLASHBACK-

We started summer with Nora flying to Texas without us! September who our kiddos call Auntie Ber has moved to Texas from WA. Nora had been begging to go for a visit so we put all the planning into motion, September flew here and a few days later, off they went! 









While Nora was off having her adventures, Easton started swim lessons & had lots of play dates with friends. :) 

After a little over a week we met them...not quite in the middle. We drove a little over 5 hours and they had I think a 15 hour drive. Uhh...

We stayed in Tennessee for a few days adventuring all together and then home we went. 








We've crafted & had a fun day celebrating the 4th



I took the kiddos to SC to visit some really sweet & special friends! They both have asked multiple times when we could go back for another visit. :)



These two just keep growing. Summer added some height on them! 



We took a beach trip for a couple days with friends! 

It was a summer FULL of fun. We took a few trips and enjoyed all the sunshine and sweetness summer brings. My favorite part of this last summer was all the friends we had over. We had friends we love and know well and then we also had a LOT of new friends over. We loved them all and they truly were such a gift to our lives. It was the simple moments and conversations on our deck that filled our tanks.



PRESENT-

Last weekend we had our end of summer celebration. We did this last year sparked from a summer in COVID-19 shutdown land. It was so special and we all loved it so much, we did it again! 


Last year I had gone through my phone and picked out several pictures and had them printed and then we looked through them. This summer I had gotten a mini polaroid and we took one picture for every day during the summer. As we took them we hung them up in the dining room and would look at them often. 

For the ceremony we pushed the table out of the way, set up the chairs and went over all of the pictures reminding ourselves of all the fun that was had. SO fun! 

After looking at the pictures and talking about them, we have questions that we answer about our favorite things. Questions like, what was our favorite books we read, food we ate, places we visited and stories we'll keep on telling for years to come. 






Next Mama and I give awards. Last year we only gave to the kiddos but Cale was sad he didn't get one so we included him this year! Haha. 

They love this part so much. We spend time thinking about their summer and any way we saw them grow. This year we had bravery, hospitality, wisdom and a few others. I read a description to them I  had written for each award given and why we chose it. It's just such a special time. 


We also have a yummy treat- root beer floats for the second year in a row! Along with Charades this year and a movie. 

---------

Are there moments when fun things like this feel like a lot and I'd rather just simplify or skip? Absolutely. However, I can see in my kiddos how much these kinds of things mean to them. They're already talking about next years celebration. 

It's not because they're getting a bunch of gifts and things are all about them. They love our family doing it all together. They love talking about all of our summer adventures and all the fun we had. 

School starts soon and we're also very ready for routine and the next season to roll in. Even the kiddos are so excited and ready! 
 

Saturday, August 7, 2021

My Man.

Hello dear friends.

It's been a hot minute...hasn't it?

Yikes. 

Well, a few weeks ago, I confessed to a few friends that I had been strongly feeling like I need to post on this blog but had (for many reasons) been fighting the discipline of sitting and typing. 

I'm going to be honest, one of the biggest factors of me not posting is knowing there are a lot of voices in the world already...I certainly don't need to add to the noise. It's been the thought that circles and circles in my head like a page online trying to load. When I get to the very bottom of it I know it's a lie and I know I can type on here and maybe only one person will read...my mom. But that's ok. It really is. The question? Am I going to be obedient?

I can go much deeper with those thoughts, but I'll save them for another day. The reason that I was prompted to sit here while the kiddos play upstairs is my man. 

We have a tree out front of our yard. I love this tree. It also drops a lot of sticks & leaves. I've been looking at the yard since Wednesday and knew I needed to get it raked. It's going to be in the 90's here next week but this week has had cooler days and the poor tree doesn't know whether to keep it's leaves or let them go. Ha! 


This morning I decided I was just going to do it, even though rain was on the forecast. I started out with Nora using one rake and Easton picking up leaves and then I had another rake. They were pretending to be penguins and the leaves were fish they were gathering. I soon realized the game was truly going to make this an all day project. I suggested the kiddos look for worms for the turtles (I'll update about that later...) while I finished raking. I knew Cale was in the house and bored so I yelled upstairs asking if he wanted to come help me. He quickly said yes and I went back to raking. Before he made it out, the rain started. Not bad just a light sprinkle. He came out and then it started to rain a little more. 

I could see him struggling. 

Life right now for Cale is just harder. Over this last year we've experienced some changes and Cale's endurance has been greatly affected. Things that he could help with that would make him tired, are just even more of a challenge now and they exhaust him. 

I let him know I could totally finish. It had only been about 5 minutes he'd been outside but I saw his body already fighting. 

He was going to keep going. "keep raking" he responded to my pausing and talking to him. Ok. I'll let him decide when it's too much. 

He kept going. The rain started to pour. Hard. We were getting soaked and every time he was moving his rake it was harder and harder for him. He started to stand and just hold the rake a lot more moving quite a bit slower. I turned and looked at him and there was my man; he was standing there, rain dripping from his face, drool dripping from his mouth and his body was bent to the side showing just how tired he was. 

You guys. 

Tears welled up in my eyes. He didn't stop. He helped me. He served his family and he worked so hard to the point of exhaustion that will most likely have him toast all day. 

I can't even express how thankful I am. 

He has a legit reason to skip out of life and take the easy out but he pushes himself and does it without complaint. 

After finishing up, we went inside and cleaned up. I shaved his face and even washing his body in the shower took so much effort for him. 

I could have done the whole yard by myself...but I was super grateful for help. I gained a lot more than physical help though, I gained so much more respect for my husband and a heart overflowing with thankfulness for the gift he is in my life. 

<3


Saturday, March 28, 2020

Swirling in COVID-19

Hi Friends! 

It's funny as I sit here to type up this post, I have mixed ideas of thoughts to get out. First, I'll give a recap on February and March- whew!

As you know, I had posted January was a challenging month for me. Some of it was even simple things like Easton losing his afternoon nap- all the mommas out there know this is a coveted time! It was so hard to lose it- huge adjustment around here. 

February continued to be really challenging for me. I can't quite pin all that was going on mentally and emotionally-just hard. Conversations needed to be had and some still haven't happened. Some of the things are out of my control completely Hard news. Changed plans. Life is just crazy friends. It just is. 

There was nothing huge and dramatic. I really was doing ok- but battling for sure to remind myself to let the little things go and to trust in what I know to be true. 

FUNNY that as I entered into March, I was ready and felt lighter. Nora was going to be tracked out which is a 3 week break that she gets throughout the year because she is year round school. That of course was going to mean that my routine was going to be thrown off BUT I knew we were going to have fun. She even had a track out bucket list-serious business you guys. 

This included things like- lots of play dates, crafting with Grammy, sleepover with Mommy, paint your pot, date with Daddy, go on a hike, beach day and scooter rides.

Weeeeeell, as ALL of you know, despite the many plans we had for March-and there were many, all plans paused. 

Everything paused.

I'm getting ahead of myself and need to rewind to February...



These kiddos did a 3 mile scooter ride. I was impressed! They could have kept going but I knew at some point they were going to hit their "done" and we'd still have to get back to the car. Ha. 


I had an appointment for my knee. This cutie came with and of course all attention was on him in the waiting room...





Us girls went on a date to the Jurassic World Tour- so much fun.



She loves all the creatures...


We joke they're going to get married... it will be really fun if it's not a just a joke. Haha. 


Nora's school had a reading challenge and if they read for so many hours within a certain time period, they would get two free tickets to a hockey game. She did it and so did her friend Juliet so both girls and their daddy's went on a date on Valentine's day. :)


Easton LOVES to help. It's the sweetest. 







We got a tiny bit of snow and it was wonderful. We went out early the next morning and it was SO pretty I had to attempt to be a photographer and capture some of it! 


It was nice enough outside to still have fun at the park. Nora started being able to push herself and keep the swing going AND get herself higher so now that is the best thing ever when we go to a park. :) Easton is more like... "mooooooommy push me!"


We had a cozy movie date at a friends house. We watched The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It will always be one of my favorites. 


One of our weekly dates was a walk around a lake. I love trying new things and mixing it up. It was funny at one point on this date I asked Cale if he enjoyed having our weekly dates different every week or if he would prefer just going out to eat for every one. Can you guess what he picked?? Haha. He's a good sport though! 

And then March came...


Nora goes to a program at church and every week it has something special to do. One of the weeks was dress up as your favorite character in the Bible. Now, because I'm the super mom of the year, I was completely prepared for this...not. 

An hour before we needed to leave, I asked Nora what her favorite character was. I actually didn't have any clue what she was going to say. Well, very quickly she responded, "one of the lions that were in the lions den with Daniel."  Now because I do have a super Mama, while I scurried around the house to get everything ready to go, Grammy made something for Nora to wear. On the way to church she told me all about why she loves the lions and how they were very important. :)



The kids were asked to be in a wedding coming up. This was the cuuuuutest package/invitation. 







To kick off Nora's track out, we had a girls date with two of her best friends. This was such a joy to my heart and I definitely want it to become a thing we do.  :)



My brother and I took Easton to see monster trucks again! We all loved it! 





Right before everything went super cray cray, we had a date with friends. I am SO thankful for friendship that lasts through all the hard stuff!



Easton started swim lessons and after two... they were cancelled. Haha. 





The three of us went to a brain injury event. This was so good for us. Nora is at a good point that learning more about daddy's injury and learning more about how other people have similar injuries is needed and helpful for her. 

It was interesting because I actually feel so out of the "brain injury world" because we just live life and brain injury is just a part of it. This was good for me too.



fun + sun 


:)

When everything first started to unfold, I like many of you didn't think it was going to be as serious as some were making it out to be. Days unfolded and suddenly it was in question what would be canceled. Cale and I celebrated our 15th anniversary (insert all the praise hands) and had saved up our weekly date money to do something special that day. 

Closer to time I had actually found tickets to a Canes game, lower level seating for a really good price. I was SO excited that it worked out for us to be at a game with amazing seats ON our anniversary. 

As things started to cancel, I was still thinking there's no way the game is going to cancel- it did. 

Along with everything else. All of our plans.

And as time went on it was clear the reason these things were cancelling. 

To several people leading up to the first weekend everything was cancelling I said, "this is my nightmare unfolding... everything cancelling and not getting to be around people." 

Going into March Mama and I had talked about going to the beach for a couple nights. Our family of 5 only has taken trips to go visit people but we haven't taken a trip just for us. Since Nora was already planning a day at the beach it was an idea. Our friends told us about an amazing and affordable place to stay so it was definitely a great idea but we decided to wait. 

Well...with all plans changing, we decided lets just go. We'll stay away from people and have time to run and play on the beach. 

BEST. DECISION. EVER.

Even  while we were there, everything with the virus escalated. We stayed away from people and truly were just us with water and sand. I was nervous about not getting to go do or see anything else- just our room and beach but it was perfect. 

My kids could have played on the beach all day everyday for a week. 

Nora could have turned into a mermaid.




















Once we arrived back home, it was crazy town. We were home. And home. And home. 
We came up with a plan to have routine and rhythm for all of us to keep our sanity. 

My biggest fear when everything started to close and shut down was Cale. Guys one day- just one day with his schedule changing can be so hard if we are not super intentional and this was going to be every single day for who knew how long. 

LOTS and lots of prayer from my lips and from a lot of yours has been the key to the joy and peace we have had during all of this. I can't even express how truly thankful I am. 

I know this time is so hard for so many of you. Lives are drastically being impacted and in no way do I want to make light of it in a way that doesn't hold the weight that it is for you. In fact, for Cale and I's weekly date this week we did a video and on purpose we were trying to bring some lightness to the whole situation because there is so much heavy and one of you let me know that for some, this is not a light thing. So as I write, please know that I completely agree. Several people in my life that I love dearly are having their lives turned upside down because of this. There is so much loss...

I do want to add perspective on the flip side to also encourage and maybe add some lightness for all the heavy that is there and that we can't make go away-

In fact, it's been interesting to sit back and watch once again camps set up. It seems with most things in life people can passionately join a camp and make it known which they belong to for all others to either join in or add to the noise with which camp they belong to. 

"I vaccinate."
"I would never vaccinate."
"I'm for Trump!"
"I can't stand Trump." 
"I'm stocking up and buying toilet paper...but I'm actually not telling anyone."
"Who are all the crazy people buying all the toilet paper?"
"I don't feel like this virus is as big of a deal as it seems."
"STAY home people."

It's always so back and forth. Even a war between moms who always homeschool and moms who are suddenly pushed into it during this time. Both sides are making their camp known-their voice heard. 

This is hard. NO joke. We didn't see it coming. We didn't think that 2020 was going to throw this curve ball- the memes are amazing. 

Friends, what are we doing with this time? What voice are we trying so hard to have heard? We all know it's going to end (eventually...maybe...we hope...!) at some point. It will. It always does and with the amount of impact this is going to have on so many lives, we know we aren't walking out of this unchanged. Hopefully not. 

I'm praying that I'm not the same woman-wife-mom as I was before being swooped up in this Corona tornado as it rips through life as we know it. 

Can we all emerge after all of this, appreciating the people around us more? Appreciating the value of connection and friendship more?

How are you going to THRIVE during this swirling COVID-19 time?

Here's a little survival kit for you. Ideas gathered from myself and others... :)


Keep a thankful list- writing at least 5 things down every day.
Move your body in some way every day.
Put mascara on and get dressed even if you aren't leaving the house.
Watch a movie with a friend over text. 
Zoom group- create one.
Make a list of goals to complete during stay-at-home.
Watch a fun movie as a family.
Read a book that's been sitting on your shelf.
Send out cards to people you think about and are thankful for but maybe never let them know.
Learn something new.
Make a new recipe.
Organize your pictures.
Clean up your budget- or create one.
Put up a tent and camp in the backyard.
Call a friend-not just text but call. 
Yard work.
Catch up on emails.
Start working on your Christmas list and who you plan to buy for.
Start a new family tradition. 
Make a list of ways you can be a blessing to others- and start.
Connect with someone in some way every day.
Make a family (or personal) bucket list.
Clean out the junk drawer.
Have your kids or yourself play a game (like Guess Who?) virtually.
Paint your toe nails.
Start a group text with a few friends.
Plan something to look forward to after this is all over.
Knock out some house projects.
Sit and be still. Listen. 
Cuddle extra with your kiddos. 
Do a fun new puzzle. 
Have a picnic outside.
Start a new Netflix series
Make and frost cookies.

The list can go on and on an on. 

Do you have ideas?

I've been praying daily that I would walk this crazy time out with my eyes fixed on Jesus. I don't want them anywhere else. I don't want to be distracted with all the things happening that make anxiety rise. 

I want to look back on this time and the way that my family experienced it with sweetness, even when that seems like it should be impossible.

I hope you can too...




    

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