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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Only by God's grace.

There have been several times today that my heart has started to beat so fast and it felt any moment tears were going to come. It's been a good day, enjoyable with Cale, but at the same time it's been incredibly challenging. December 26th last year is when Cale came home from a year of deployment.

I can still remember everything perfectly. I had woken at 3am and saw that Cale had sent a text from a friends phone that said he had arrived at Drum. I jumped out of bed with only 3 hours of sleep and began my beautifying ritual. I wanted to look perfect for when he first saw me. Once I was at the gym, the minutes started to feel like hours! I couldn't wait to hear the marching, see the uniforms, and finish with the ceremony! I remember then that my heart was racing, my hands were frozen, and I felt as if I was about to jump out of my body. And started! Soldiers came in a long line, marching into a gym full of extremely excited families. Soon! Soon, I would have Cale in my arms...finally!

Where was he?! The last time I was able to pick him out so quickly, but this time I had no clue! Where was I going to run? As soon as the ceremony ended, I paused. Does he see me? Suddenly there he was. Tall and handsome :) Our eyes met and I ran! Yes! He's home and now life is going to be perfect. When we reached each other and lost ourselves in a tight embrace, I never wanted to let go! Cale was anxious to leave the gym and say "see ya!" to every one around us.

It was 6:30am and we were home. The day was better than I could have imagined! For dinner that night I had cooked a pot roast in the slow cooker. I wanted it all to be perfect! The house that we were staying at until we left Ft. Drum, was furnitureless, so we ate our yummy dinner on the kitchen floor-still perfect :) The next 47 days were like a dream. Cale and I had so much fun and were in our own little world. Since he was in the process of getting out of the Army, he had a lot of extra time off work, so we played games, went ice skating, hung out with friends, watched movies, cuddled, planned our "across the US" trip, laughed, and were lazy. Both of us were scared and excited all at the same time for what was next for our lives. Whatever it was going to be, we new it was going to be good. We had already started trying to have a baby...

The accident was definitely not what we had on our dream-like plans. When I let myself go and leave the world I'm in right now, and drift to those memories-that's when I feel my heart beat so fast again. Where is the rewind button? How can I never go back to those moments? How can everything be so different? How did it all change so quickly? I sit feeling frustrated that there's no way to go back to before the accident. Unlike movies and video games, there's no restart to try that day all over. It's hard.

I have to keep reminding myself that the pain I feel, the memories I hold on to, the feeling of frustration, the journey that this has been...God knows. He cares. He hears me. He loves me. He has a plan and it's not to harm us. He has turned ugly into beautiful. He's holding me. He cares for me. His desire is for me to turn to Him, rest in Him. Trust Him.

To start the year, New Life Christian Church (our church in NY), is going to do a fast for 40 days. Everyone in the congregation is challenged to fast something during that time. I'm joining with them and fasting. One of my focuses is going to be for Cale's upcoming surgery. I am asking anyone that shares this journey with us to join in fasting at least from the first of January to the 21st. During this time you would choose something to fast and then also, it would be a commitment of change in your day. While fasting, you are not just abstaining from one thing. There also needs to be a time that you have when it's just you and the Lord. A date that you don't break! During that time, is when you press in to the Him and allow Him to begin a new work in your life. He needs to be in first place in your life for you to receive all that He has for you.

I'm going to be specifically fasting for miracles for Cale's surgery and healing for Cale in 2011! There's a lot that this next year has to offer! :) So many miracles have already happened and God's not done yet! Also, my desire is to walk everyday in the Spirit and not the flesh.

From a book that I read...

The benefits of living a Spirit-led life are immense, "There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit" (Romans 8:1).
Another amazing thing about all this is that when we walk according to the Spirit, we have access to all God's power and spiritual resources!
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace , that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need-Hebrews 4:16

Like I said, it was a good day even though hard. Cale had good therapy sessions. He was worked hard in PT today! When Pawan (filled in for Pat) said he could have a break, Cale asked why and said "I want more!"

This afternoon it was sunny and beautiful outside! Cale and I went to the garden and sat to soak up some sunshine. While we were out there, Kovin came outside to visit us! He was off the leash and was able to run around and feel like a dog! :) Cale loves when he gets visits from the therapy dog. It's not Basil, but he's still good! ;)

Thank you so much for praying for us. Days like this, I can feel them so strongly. In the midst of pain, I can feel so much comfort and it's only by God's grace and everyone praying for us. Thank you!


  1. Always in my prayers. That is a beautiful dog. Cale looks awesome. The new year is going to be an exciting one for you two.

    Casey q

  2. I shed some tears with you. I totally understand wanting a rewind button. I was married for almost 11yrs. My husband changed his mind. I miss something that no longer exists, in that way I can relate to how you feel. It is different... but relative. I pray for the miracles in Cales healing to continue, but I also pray for stength and comfort for you in Yeshuah's name.

  3. Kathleen, I love you and my heart cries with you. All I know, is Father hasn't brought you this far to drop you. He has wonderous things in store. It's a small world. I was asking my son (former Army) if he hadn't been with 10th MNT DIV. He was 10th MNT back in '03. He even ran around the top part of the gym where your husband was standing in formation. He said if you did PT inside the gym....IT WAS COLD!!!!!!!!!!! outside. :) Hugs, Marion

  4. Memories, like jewels dance brightly in my mind, and I take them out delicatly touching them one more time.

    The pain is deep and searing and the flesh is much to weak to touch them moret than moments His balm I need to keep.

    Memories like jewels dance brightly in my mind, for they are the treasures that I lay down,no replay, no rewind

    I trust that there is something so much greater than what I know, and so I put them all away, and look ahead to help me grow.

    I know We'll take them out again when the pain is not so severe, and laugh and remenice with the hope we take from here.

    I trust that He is faithful, that his word is always TRUE, that his eye is on the sparrow, so I know He'll see us through.

    The hope that is, burns brightly and someday I know it's true these memories will dance and all that was will be made new!!!!!!

    MDB 2010 Blessing Kathleen


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