Friday, March 11, 2011

STOP

An earthquake. When I walked past the TV in the open area next to our hospital room, I saw the words that stopped me in my tracks. Man. As I listened for the next several minutes, I began to weep without tears. I have no other way to explain it. I knew how so many people were feeling. I knew what it feels like to be going through my day and all of a sudden, have everything change...I experienced an earthquake in a whole different way, and maybe so have you. I started praying because in moments like that, only our God can be the comfort that is needed. Praying...

Tonight we're away from the hospital again! We're in Olympia to sleep and then I'm also in Tacoma for part of the time. Beth Moore is in town and I get to see her! :) The session tonight was a confirmation on what the Lord has been working on in my life. I'm not so easily molded sometimes...Mama is stubborn, so, I'll blame some of that on that ;)

I'm going to open my heart (which I do on here every night) and give you a very raw and open confession. From all the way back when I was in elementary, I have never felt good enough. In 4th grade at girls camp one summer, I surrendered my life to missions. I knew one thing; I wanted the Lord to use me. I didn't know what that was going to look like, and that didn't matter to me. As the years went by, I have continually wrestled with the lies that I'm not good enough, smart enough, wise enough, and many more things. Mama, Cale, and Rachel have all heard this before! It's continued to grow and spread into even more areas of my life. Again, I'm sharing everything, I love all the comments (cards and packages too!) that are left on this blog. They are so encouraging because it shows me that people really are still praying and haven't forgotten about Cale. In so many of the comments, they say that I'm inspiring and encouraging. You all tell me that I'm so great...but then I know me. These lies started to feast on the encouragement I was receiving and then I started to fear as I started to meet people that had been reading the blog, that they were going to think I wasn't anything like they had imagined...that I really wasn't very great. It was never a thought before or during the time I was meeting someone, but always slithered in afterwards.

Pastor Kirk said in a sermon one time that many believers had a mixed up view on being humble. They would say how they can't do anything and they are nothing, but really, we as believers have the power of the Holy Spirit living in us! We can do great things!

Philippians 4:13 says, For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

The word that was discussed tonight was STOP! Beth talked about a few areas and mentioned some things that we need to stop, but what spoke so clearly to my heart was that I need to stop allowing myself to fall in to the pit of lies! I have gone back and forth so many times, dealing with them. The Lord is saying, "Kathleen, stop. I love you. I know the plans I have for you and I want to use you." Before that was on my heart, we read in Matthew 20:29-34 Jesus asks the blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" Then she had us pray about our answer. In my notebook, I immediately wrote, Heal my husband. Right after, Beth gave an example and said it needed to be for us. I sat for a minute thinking. What would I say if Jesus was there, asking me in person? Use me. My heart and desire for so long is that He would use me, but I always have this idea that I can't be used...wow. How sad. He wants to-He is...and tonight, I'm stopping the belief in the lies.

That's why Im sharing. I have no idea how many people read this blog, but I know I now have many people to hold me accountable.

Thank you.

This morning while we were waiting for Cale to have an MRI (just a check up from surgery in January), we were playing a game. I came up with a word, described it, and then tried to get Cale to answer. After I went it was his turn. Before he hasn't been able to play, but he actually came up with his own!

He said:
It costs money
Pays money
Is old, but not too old
One person-he, she, it?

I was having a hard time guessing so I had him start spelling it. P-R-E-S

Then I guessed the President and he said I was right! I'm not totally sure that's the word he had started with, but he was pretty sure about it. I started laughing really hard because the last clue sounds really bad, but I know that's not how he meant it! :)

10 comments:

  1. Sweet girl. I have had the pleasure to meet you. Of course it was before the accident but you are coming across as the same woman I met almost two years ago. You are amazing and God is definately using you.

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  2. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8

    Praying and rejoicing in all that He has done in both of your lives.
    Vicky

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  3. I feel like I could have written this. There are a lot of people who feel the same as you describe. Many hugs God bless you both.

    Casey q

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  4. Hi Kathleen Casey said it for me I feel the same way and my heart and prayers go out to you and Caleb I hope you enjoy your weekend. God bless you and Caleb.

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  5. Dear Kathleen,
    After working with you, I knew you were a VERY SPECIAL YOUNG WOMAN! I regretted leaving my job as I figured I would never see or hear from you again. YOU stuck in my heart, your ways, your honesty, your devotion. You were not at all like others your age. You see and care about things beyond "YOURSELF." You are wise beyond your age. I know the last sentence is well used, but it applies to you. Then I saw you on TV with Cale in his hospital bed. While I was shocked and very saddened, I also was happy to find a way to keep in touch with you through your blog. PLEASE remember what you said, and DO NOT doubt yourself! YOU are a VERY REMARKABLE YOUNG WOMAN! You impressed me at work, and you continue to leave a huge positive impression on me! I pray for you and Cale every night, and through you and your example, I feel a stronger spiritual bond with God.
    THANK YOU!
    Lorri C.

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  6. Kathleen, We all have a mission field and you are walking in yours right now ! God is using you to minister to soooo many through your blog, your walk, your triumphs, and even your fears! I love to watch what he is doing with you, as you acknowledge him and HIS ways! Everytime you see a STOP sign believe and retrieve that message again and again USE the stop sign as a physical reminder of What God has spoken to you - He is faithfull! He has a future and YOU ARE being used ~ you don't have to wait to be used it is presently happening !!!!!! Love you girl ! ((()))(PS the Stop sign reminds me of a song we used to sing when I was a kid in VBS - STOP and let me tell you what the Lord has done for me , Stop and let me tell you what the Lord has done for me - He cleansed my heart and he made me whole He washed my sins they are white as snow Stop and let me tell you what the Lord has done for me ....... If this isn't missions I don't know what is - Your Blog says - Hey Stop and let me tell you what the Lord has done for me !!!! ) Love ya Reenie

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  7. Amen!!! Ditto to all of the above. Kathleen, I was pondering one day why the Lord would allow something like this to happen to such a wonderful couple. I felt like He said, "Who else, because they are wonderful they will shine my glory to a lost world?" And I understood that He knew your hearts and He knew that He could do amazing things through you both and touch untold numbers of lives. I am in awe EVERY TIME I read. You are so transparent and yet so trusting of our Heavenly Father. I have grown in Him just by watching you girl. Who else??? So STOP believing those lies and START living in the freedom believing God brings!! I wish I could give you a great big squeeze right now but since I'm so far away you'll just have to settle for one from Cale. LOL Love you two. Julie H.

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  8. Kathleen!! What a treasure my time with you was. Satan needs a good kick in the pants. He delights in tormenting you, because he hates God so much. What better way to get back at the Father, than to torment His children. He (satan) can't get at God, BUT he can get at His children. I am reminded of a song learned in childhood....I command you satan, in the name of the Lord, to take up your weapons and flee. For the Lord has given me athourity to W A L K all over thee. I see things in pictures. I have written what bothers me on a paper, put it on the ground, and STOMPED all over it!!!!! Anyway, I love you and FATHER LOVES you more. hugs, Marion

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  9. Wow, thank you so much for that Kathleen. It really struck a chord of truth and conviction within me and it's a bit overwhelming. I just got back from the Catalyst Conference West Coast and the whole theme was to Take Courage. So in short God has used your blog to further that call in my life to take courage and stop intermixing His truth with the lies. Thank you so much for your transparency, boldness and encouragement. God has already, is currently and is going to use you in such incredible ways. Goodness God is so good!

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  10. Jennifer Fisher3/15/11, 10:37 AM

    Kathleen,
    the thing is, any one of us is not so special on our own. but, when we let God work through us. when we surrender to His will, then there can be no stopping us from awesome, wonderful things. so, continue to do that. let go and let God. give the Glory to Him. but, don't beat yourself up and let Satan play these tricks on you in your head. kick him to the curb!
    peace and blessings to you and Cale

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