An earthquake. When I walked past the TV in the open area next to our hospital room, I saw the words that stopped me in my tracks. Man. As I listened for the next several minutes, I began to weep without tears. I have no other way to explain it. I knew how so many people were feeling. I knew what it feels like to be going through my day and all of a sudden, have everything change...I experienced an earthquake in a whole different way, and maybe so have you. I started praying because in moments like that, only our God can be the comfort that is needed. Praying...
Tonight we're away from the hospital again! We're in Olympia to sleep and then I'm also in Tacoma for part of the time. Beth Moore is in town and I get to see her! :) The session tonight was a confirmation on what the Lord has been working on in my life. I'm not so easily molded sometimes...Mama is stubborn, so, I'll blame some of that on that ;)
I'm going to open my heart (which I do on here every night) and give you a very raw and open confession. From all the way back when I was in elementary, I have never felt good enough. In 4th grade at girls camp one summer, I surrendered my life to missions. I knew one thing; I wanted the Lord to use me. I didn't know what that was going to look like, and that didn't matter to me. As the years went by, I have continually wrestled with the lies that I'm not good enough, smart enough, wise enough, and many more things. Mama, Cale, and Rachel have all heard this before! It's continued to grow and spread into even more areas of my life. Again, I'm sharing everything, I love all the comments (cards and packages too!) that are left on this blog. They are so encouraging because it shows me that people really are still praying and haven't forgotten about Cale. In so many of the comments, they say that I'm inspiring and encouraging. You all tell me that I'm so great...but then I know me. These lies started to feast on the encouragement I was receiving and then I started to fear as I started to meet people that had been reading the blog, that they were going to think I wasn't anything like they had imagined...that I really wasn't very great. It was never a thought before or during the time I was meeting someone, but always slithered in afterwards.
Pastor Kirk said in a sermon one time that many believers had a mixed up view on being humble. They would say how they can't do anything and they are nothing, but really, we as believers have the power of the Holy Spirit living in us! We can do great things!
Philippians 4:13 says, For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
The word that was discussed tonight was STOP! Beth talked about a few areas and mentioned some things that we need to stop, but what spoke so clearly to my heart was that I need to stop allowing myself to fall in to the pit of lies! I have gone back and forth so many times, dealing with them. The Lord is saying, "Kathleen, stop. I love you. I know the plans I have for you and I want to use you." Before that was on my heart, we read in Matthew 20:29-34 Jesus asks the blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" Then she had us pray about our answer. In my notebook, I immediately wrote, Heal my husband. Right after, Beth gave an example and said it needed to be for us. I sat for a minute thinking. What would I say if Jesus was there, asking me in person? Use me. My heart and desire for so long is that He would use me, but I always have this idea that I can't be used...wow. How sad. He wants to-He is...and tonight, I'm stopping the belief in the lies.
That's why Im sharing. I have no idea how many people read this blog, but I know I now have many people to hold me accountable.
This morning while we were waiting for Cale to have an MRI (just a check up from surgery in January), we were playing a game. I came up with a word, described it, and then tried to get Cale to answer. After I went it was his turn. Before he hasn't been able to play, but he actually came up with his own!
It costs money
Is old, but not too old
One person-he, she, it?
I was having a hard time guessing so I had him start spelling it. P-R-E-S
Then I guessed the President and he said I was right! I'm not totally sure that's the word he had started with, but he was pretty sure about it. I started laughing really hard because the last clue sounds really bad, but I know that's not how he meant it! :)