Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Confession of a crazy blonde girl...


(pictures done by Mr. Darling :))

“I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” -Psalm 116:1-2

All of the goals that we’ve made and all the things we’re focusing on like: showering, home alone, walking without cane, driving…ya know, all the independent stuff-it freaks me out! I know that it is all so good and a huge BLESSING since this is all stuff he was never supposed to be able to do, BUT it’s SCARY!

We attempted half of a shower yesterday where I had stepped out and let him finish up. I kept peeking in to make sure he was ok and my ears were perked up waiting to hear him slip so that I could somehow manage to slide in and save his fall. It’s so hard not to worry about him falling!

When I think about him being in the house by himself, I think about all the many things that could happen and all the “what if’s?” My brain picks scenarios out constantly and I can’t help but think that maybe it’s just fine that he always has someone with him!

He’s doing really well with trying to walk without his cane; in fact, I’m quite impressed with how hard he’s working at it. He still loses his balance and needs help sometimes, but he’s really trying. He also gets tired even quicker than when he’s using it, but his endurance is still building even with the cane. It was so easy to push him while confined in hospital walls, because IF something happened, help was always right there. My nerves are rattled whenever he’s walking on his own; the fear of a fall is so very close.

It’s no surprise that him being behind the driver’s seat is a bit…um…crazy! I still can’t believe he’s driving! He skipped the step of a driving simulator and got right behind the wheel. My heart races and we’re only in the parking lot! I’m not sure that he’ll ever be able to drive on the actual road (although I’m not holding back from believing it could happen!!), BUT once again, the thought brings me to a moment of an anxiety attack. Yikes…yep, my stomach just did a flop.

These are all-ALL massive blessings that I can’t even begin to fully grasp and understand the true miracle that all of it is. At the same time, these blessings and miracles are the same things that I’m running to the Lord, dropping to my knees, and praying for peace and protection about.

I don’t mean to sound like a worry wart, an over-protective wife, or an unthankful daughter of Christ…I am just being reminded that whether I'm there or not-God is. I'm having to surrender my fears, which all boil to the road aleady traveled with almost losing Cale, and knowing that it's not me in control of every situation-it's the Lord.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?! I know I’m not the only one out there! Haha!

Tonight I’m praising God for the mighty work that he is doing in Cale. It’s nerve-racking, but oh so exciting!!!!!!!!! I'm going to continue to push him while my knees continue to have marks from the floor. :)

Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5

3 comments:

  1. I know the anxiety that comes with new steps. I still deal with it daily. Although I'm to the point that I'm now functional to be able to be home alone and watch the kids I still battle the what if's, and constantly have to give them to God.
    I'm always fearful the kids will get hurt and I how I will deal with it because I'm not well enough to cope with something like that. Elijah broke his arm when my health started on its down hill and that was so hard to deal with. A couple weeks ago Zach burned his eyes using a welder and I had to get him and the kids to the ER in the middle of the night. I am not well enough to drive on the highway yet and I am definitely not functional in the middle of the night. But God got me through it and that was a miracle.
    Just remember the same grace that got you through everything up till now still has you covered in the future. Trust me, I too have to remind myself this a lot. Rejecting thoughts of fear and constantly giving them to God is a daily battle at this time in my life. Your not alone:)

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  2. Could you maybe use a shower chair to make it more safe. Maybe is you used it too, Cale wouldn't feel signaled out. One of my prayers for myself, Father do this work, help me to realize that's what You are doing. I guess, what I mean, is just ask Father to help you deal with the blessings. We are supposed to go to Him with everything. I just LOVE seeing where Father has Cale, compared to where he came from. I love you and continue to trust Father for you, Marion

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  3. Krystle: I've been thinking about you a lot lately...praying!
    Marion: We have a shower chair that the VA gave when we first came home, but Cale refuses to use it!

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