After my last post I told myself that I really wanted to try to get back to posting more often…maybe not daily, but close. The blog started as a way to keep all of you updated on Cale’s progress, but when all of our friends and family went back home and it was just me to update, I didn’t have it in me to write just for “you” I needed an outlet and that started me writing for “me” in a not mean and selfish way. It became the tool that I started to use to help me process and dump everything I was feeling; good or bad. It’s become a blessing and a way that I’ve been able to be reminded of very specific moments because I had recorded in more detail of all the changes that were taking place in Cale.
Well, lately taking and finding the time to write has been a challenge. No longer can I go back to a room alone at night and pour everything out. I now (YAY!) get to cuddle in bed with my sweet husband until sleep overtakes us. During the day, I can’t just sit in a hospital room while my husband lays next to me unaware of all of his surroundings because he’s home! And our home needs to be taken care of. It’s just been one of the things that haven’t been priority lately-and that is OK! I still miss getting to capture all of the daily details, but I’d much rather be busy with home stuff and my husband then being in a hospital!!
Cale had done a week trial working at church. He says that his work is dumb stuff, but he went all that week and worked hard to finish everything. On Wednesday he picked up his pay from church and with an excited face he opened the envelope to pull out his earnings. I asked how much and he counted to make sure it was all there which was $81. “How much do I get?” was my second question. Cale looked down at his money and handed me the one dollar bill. Ha! It was hilarious! After that he did say that I could have all of it or as much as I wanted because I work so hard too. Then of course after the laughter that Doreen, Mama, and I just had we then all said together, “Aww!” He is so sweet!
Since we’ve been back home, I still-STILL have not organized and filed all of the paperwork that has been in stacks all over the house. I had stacks in drawers, on our desk, in a box, and many more random places. Some of it is really important documents that I need now to finish up Cale getting out of the Army and transitioning to VA, but I haven’t been able to find it. Uh…what stack is it in?! So…my mission became getting organized and Mama jumped on board. We worked some on Tuesday and then spent a good chunk on Wednesday filing and throwing out junk papers. Wow. It’s been somewhat of a mess, but we’re getting it done!
When the accident happened, we were on a search for the POA I had while Cale was deployed. I knew that it would have still been good and I knew I had it somewhere, but wasn’t sure where it would have been. The Army said they needed it, the hospital asked about it, but since we searched (everywhere!) with no luck to find it, I had to do the temporary guardianship at one point. Things smoothed out, BUT the guardianship thing was a nightmare and one of the worst moments since the accident and life would have been a lot smoother if that wouldn’t have had to take place. I was completely stumped as to where it could be. Mama was going through papers and handed me a POA. The one we have now is in our lock box so I looked it over closer and it was the POA that I had needed! It was from his deployment in 2009 and expires this month! Oh man. I have no idea where it came from or how it got in the folder it was in, but there it was…maybe I needed to go through and experience what I had without it? Yikes.
I also looked through the little file box I had started in NC while Cale was inpatient at Pitt and found a folder I had created that read, “Things to do when Cale wakes up.” This got me. Sigh. He never just woke up like we so hoped for in those early days…there is still fog.
I wish there was a way for me to get my whole mind to see all the blessings and how great things are with him. Life with him, even though not what we had planned or ever thought, is still so wonderful because we’re together. He does have daily anger explosions, which come in many forms. Some all I can do is laugh like the other night when the Wings had started the game behind. Cale had gotten so mad he was stomping and throwing pillows and Basil’s toy. I turned my head because of my laughter and Mama watching the whole thing knowing if she laughed or if he saw me laughing it would make it worse, so she asked me questions to get my mind off of the fit. He calmed and the Wings ended up winning! Other times I can’t laugh because I feel so sad for him, so sad he has to go through this. His overall mood is fun and sweet and that’s what makes this last month a lot less challenging than the month before that. His explosions become energy zappers for me, but we’ve learned and have been able to work through them until they pass. It’s not always “easy” but we do it, we get through and move on to the next emotion.
Most days I can be totally fine and understand the work the Lord has done through all of this and the (many) blessings that have been poured on us, but it takes just a second to think about how much I miss him, how much has changed, how different our life looks, seeing his handwriting, reading a letter, thinking of one of his quirks…and the tears come, the pain burns, and the hurt is thick.
I try to remind myself in 2 Corinthians 5:1-5 it says, For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[a] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
This is not our home and Cale will be free of TBI one day. In verse 9 it says, So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. Yes, our goal is to please him. I was talking with Rachel last Friday about how it still seems unbelievable that the accident happened. We both were saying when we really let ourselves think about it, it seems so unreal. I was telling her about how sometimes it feels as though Cale died when we were in the car that day. It may seem terrible to say that, but even with some of his similar humor coming out, he’s a different man. I think about some of the people that have died in the last year and how they’re dancing with Jesus, but I can’t say that about Cale. I can’t say that he’s experiencing no more pain, no more hurt, because he is. He still is. I love that he’s still here with me, I’m not saying I don't, but I do miss him so much. I’ve heard many times that time heals wounds, but what I find with this wound is that sometimes it feels like it never closes up and time is like someone keeps drenching it with Hydrogen Peroxide. It burns.
I long for heaven when my man will be whole. I long so badly to see, to hold, and to kiss my husband that I had before TBI became a part of our lives.
Until then, I’m going to be thankful for the new fresh love that the Lord has made possible for my Boy who does live with a TBI and for the many ways that we are so blessed for the marriage that we still have and for how amazing it is to have a home with him and have thoughts of starting a family…
God is good.
I got sidetracked. Oops.
Yesterday while Cale was in Speech, I was able to get away and have lunch with two ladies that I love. Brandi and her mom Terri have been in my life for many many years and since the accident have been an amazing support and encouragement. Terri has sent emails, commented on the blog, sent cards, come to visit. She’s a blessing.
After lunch I went across the street to the mall to return and exchange a few of our Christmas gifts. I had bought Cale a pair of shoes that I loved and hoped that he would love. On Christmas he did tell me that the shoes he was wearing were better than the ones I bought, but last night after getting the right size (He wears an 11 in shoe, but needed a 10 in this brand.) he liked them more. I have a feeling his opinions of them are going to change with his mood! :o) He had also given me a gift card for the same place and since they were having a sale, I decided to look around. After picking out two items, I (without the help of my husband!) managed to embarrass myself…yet again! The guy that helped me with Cale’s shoes very nicely came over to see if I needed help with anything and without thinking before speaking I asked, “Do I need your help to try these on?” By the look on his face…I knew I had mixed up my words and then quickly tried to cover up, “Uh, I mean, um, do I need the, um, key for the room?” Oh my goodness. With weird look still printed on his face and mine completely red, I followed to the dressing room while wondering if I should just bolt.
Here’s another good laugh…
I love this song.