Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Exodus 14:14

As I lay here on the couch attempting to type up all my thoughts, I'm at a loss of where to start.
I still need to post about last weekend...and then about last week...and then about the house.

But, tonight is going to be on today/last night. It's needed. The ability to "dump" it all out of my brain and release the buildup is just one blessing and nugget about today.

So here goes...

Last night was about as low as it's gotten. Well, maybe not completely, it did feel like it at the moment though.

Cale's anger is not different as far as the anger or how often it happens, but I have realized as of last night when my head hit the pillow with tears streaming down my cheeks, that his anger has transitioned into a more mature kind of anger. Does that make sense?

Before, he would just get angry and throw a fit very similar to a child. A few minutes later he would forget. The whole thing had been forgotten. More recent, it's been that he'll get angry, forget a couple minutes later why he was angry but give him about 15 minutes and then he would finally "reset" and be perfectly fine. While in Colorado (that's what I need to update about last week!), we started to transition again, and last night we were full into a new stage. Oh goody.

Actually, it shows more healing. Which is awesome. And...a whole other adventure.

Going back to last night, Cale ended up on the couch to sleep (his choice!) and would not for anything come to the room with me. Words like liar, dumb, and divorce were all thrown at me.

Finally at about 1:30 this morning after I tossed and turned, I woke him up and led him to our room. You would think after all that time the reset would have happened, but it didn't! He was still mad! Wouldn't let me touch him except for him needing help with balance.

Stinker.

This morning was the start to a new day. Exhausted, but still a new day.

After being awake for a while and after doing some things around the house, I logged onto Facebook and saw that one of my friends had posted a verse as their status. By no means is it the first time or the only one today, but this verse hit me. Stopped me in my tracks.

I reread it several times. Chewing each word wanting to fully grasp the meaning and what it said. I've read it many times before, but for today it was new.

Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."
The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."
The LORD is fighting for you! So be still!"
The Lord will fight for you; you must be quiet.”

After the battle last night, I needed the reminder of the Lord fighting for me! And at this point, I had no idea what the rest of the day had in store for me...

Not too much longer Cale started to get upset again. I was able to let the conversation drop and as I finished up things like making my bed, I decided I needed some good worship music.

First song that came on was Find You On my knees by Kari Jobe. Beautiful. Again, I've listened to this song many many times before, but for today, it was new.

Every word of the song felt like it was right out of my heart. It literally took me to my knees.



As I sang, there was no lack of passion for sure.

Before the song could even finish, I heard Cale in the living room yelling at Mama. I rushed out to see what was going on and by the time I came, Cale was headed out the front door saying that he was leaving.

I let him go out when it became obvious nothing I was going to say was going to help. He went straight to the cars trying to open each door and when realizing all of them were locked, he just stood there next to them.

I didn't want to be in his bubble, so I plopped myself down on our ramp. I'm sure I could have found a cleaner place to lay down, but it seemed fine enough in the moment.

Want to know what popped in my head instantly?

Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."
The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."
The LORD is fighting for you! So be still!"
The Lord will fight for you; you must be quiet.”

Be still...stay calm...be quiet.

Comfort.

The reminder.

His faithfulness.

I waited...



After a long while, I headed inside and sat at the table. I could see him out the window wondering when his reset was going to come. Surely it was anytime, right?

After about another 15 minutes, Mama and I watched out the front as Cale used the railing on the ramp to walk in front of the house. Curious of what he was doing on the other side of the ramp...

Next we see him fall down and backwards on purpose. I think if he would have had something to grab onto maybe it would have been a little  softer...

At this point I decided to go back out and see what was going on.

He's scooting on his bum across the front yard.

No joke.

When I asked what he was doing the only reply given was, "I'm leaving."

Ok...

So, I let him go as I followed behind.

He scooted all the way to the fence and then used it to lift himself up. He then used the fence to help walk until it ended. Next he kind of just hobbled the rest of the way to our neighbor's house.

I stayed back on the sidewalk as he walked up their pathway to the front door, knocked and then went inside.

Emily gave me a look and I motioned that I would call.

I sent a text letting her know he was upset and found a spot in her yard...then I waited some more...


This time Scratch our cat decided to join me :)



As I laid there in the yard waiting yet again, want to know what came to mind?

Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."
The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."
The LORD is fighting for you! So be still!"
The Lord will fight for you; you must be quiet.”
The reminder. Again. As tears fell I still had the reminder the Lord fights for me.

Be still...be calm...be quiet...



Finally I decided to try to go in and see if he'd come home with me. Mission accomplished.


By the time our little adventure was over, I was drained. I could hardly focus or get myself off the couch. My SIL sent me a text telling me to check my email. I don't think she had planned this for today because I'm not sure if she had even known the extent at that point, but she sent a gift certificate for a spa treatment for me to get some time to relax and not have to think about anything for a little bit!! It was so unexpected and PERFECT, let me just type that again, PERFECT for today.

What a blessing. Really. A simple thought, a generous gift for a perfect time.

I fixed up my puffy eyes and had to head off to an important meeting. To shorten the story for now, we decided not to go with the house that we made the offer on (more to come later...) and rather went to talk to builders of a development close by about a home. They offered to help us out a little for advertisement.

I honestly had kind of the wrong attitude going up. I was tired and not in the mood. I also didn't think they would be able to get a home that would fit our needs.

I'll write more about how that all went later, but at least for a partial update...

It was awesome! And, keep praying :)

On my way home, all I could think about was how drained I felt. You know that feeling after you have an ugly cry? Yep...that plus some.

I walked in the door and went straight to see how Cale was doing. He was fine and I was able to cuddle up with him. Love!

I then went to the kitchen and started telling Mama all about the house and the changes we would make and the options we have and how it actually fit our needs. Mama guided me to the dining room to sit and then I saw it...

My eyes looked at it, back at Mama, back at it...

speechless.

What is this?

Mama said someone dropped it off today. She didn't know who, but she assumed it was for me...

Be still...be calm...be quiet...



I went straight to my knees...again. Tears...again.

Sometimes, you may not be able to clearly see Jesus.

We're distracted. We're blind. We're busy. We're lost. We're afraid.

Exsqueeeeeze me...

How can you take one more breath and not see?!?!

Crazy.

I had to take a moment before I could even speak.

He is faithful. Not only is the Lord fighting for me, He's pouring His love on me.

Whoever you are that took the sweet sweet step and blessed me abundantly, thank you.

You see friends, this wasn't an easy day. It wasn't a day that I could be all bouncy and bubbly. It wasn't a day that I could even move myself.

But my Jesus knew.

He met me where I was at, each moment of the day.

Find You On My Knees by Kari Jobe

Troubles chasin me again,
Breaking down my best defence,
I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you
Weary just won't let me rest, and fear is filling up my head.
I'm longing, God I'm longing for you

But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.

So what if sorrow shakes my faith,
What if heartache still remains,
I'll trust you, my god I'll trust you.
'Cas u are faithful and
I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/k/kari-jobe-lyrics/find-you-on-my-knees-lyrics.html ]
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
Find you on my knees, my knees.

When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong
When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal
When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that

You lift me up, you'll never leave me searching,
Find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.


p.s. Thank you Emma for being obedient and posting the verse! Love you Girl!





5 comments:

  1. Oh, my sweet Kathleen, my heart cries with you, BUT more importantly, REJOICES with you that you are receiving the gift from Father, "be still, be calm be quiet". I remember the only time I ever heard Father's voice. He said "Be still, and know that I am God". There have been more times than I can count where Father has reminded me "Vengence is mine, I WILL repay". Oh, I know our circumstances are quite different, yet our Father gives us both the gift of His care. I love you and am grateful for Father's gift of you in my life. He only gives the very best. Marion

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  2. how beautiful...oh my goodness how faithfully beautiful our Lord works for our good!

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  3. Loss for words. I love u n am proud of the woman u are. Praying for u today. Krystle

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  4. Again, thank you for sharing the incredible ups and downs of a day in your life, and allowing the Lord to instruct, correct, challenge and encourage others through you. Praying for you!

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  5. You are in my thoughts and prayers today. I just wanted to say good morning and God bless today. Michele

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