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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

getting settled.

I'm once again at a loss of where to start this post. I feel like I'm constantly telling you that I have a ton to update on and then never get to it...
At this moment I feel completely drained. Not so much physically although I do feel that as well, but mostly my emotions are spent. I wrote a few weeks ago about our acceptance into an inpatient program for Cale at Walter Reed. We basically know that it's an amazing program and it's for brain injury...we have no idea how long we'll be here or what the days will look like.
I honestly feel like this is a door God opened with out me even looking. A huge blessing!
that doesn't mean it's easy and smooth sailing. In fact, it's quite the opposite.
I've tried not to even bring it up or have it mentioned since Cale started to get upset about it. Yesterday morning right after I got out of the shower, Cale had me cornered in the bathroom asking if we were going home. I decided it was time to just let him know.
I have no idea if it was the right time or not but I think no time would have been "great."
He was mad.
Really mad.
His explosions now consists of yelling, slamming doors, bolting, and then more physical. It's not pleasant for anyone around but thankfully my brother was there and was able to help out. By the time we left for the airport, Cale wasn't happy about going but he had calmed down. I was so nervous for the flight, wondering how it was going to be if he had an explosion in the airport or on the plane. Mama had flown to my brothers the week before we went to his house and flew here with us. She'll be here for a few days helping to get us settled before going back to WA to finish getting our new house ready. I'm so thankful she came because the flights ended up being fine and for most of the day Cale was calm and just let us know every couple minutes that he wanted to be home.
Last night while we were doing devotions together we read:
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
    In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?
Psalm 56:3-4
I started to talk about being here and his "appointment" as we started to refer to the program, but Cale didn't want to hear anything about how we need to trust God. He said he didn't want to and he was just mad. Within moments he was steaming mad and another explosion had begun. There is no way I would have been able to control him by myself. I have no idea what would have happened if Mama wouldn't have been there to help. It was one of the most intense explosions.
In those moments, nothing that is said or done matters. He's just flat out angry.
The only way I can think to describe it is that for the majority of the time, Cale is this amazing, loving, wonderful, sweet, strong, and funny man but then a switch happens and I call it brain injury taking over. It's all out the window. Everything. He hates me and anyone else around. 
I'm praying that while we're here we'll be able to find some tools and possibly ways to help  through these moments!
Busy days ahead and I'm excited to see what comes out of them!
We finished our time in NC with our Cary friends! It was such a great time and every person we were able to visit with was so special!
We were able to see Cale's doc from while he was inpatient in Cary!
We had lunch with some of our very sweet prayer warriors!
Cale rode in a super cool car! Don't worry...he wasn't the driver! ;o) He did wish it though!
We love our adopted family in NC!
Do you remember me posting in 2010 about Adam and Amy?! We had met them while at Wake Med. Adam came to the unit a couple months after Cale and instantly Amy and I shared a deep intimate bond. We understood each other without a word being spoken. We're both not so great about keeping in touch as often as we would like, but getting to spend a day with them was so wonderful. Adam is doing amazing...incredibly awesome to see his healing and progress and well, Amy is just a jewel. She really is. Her heart is for her man. They are true gifts!
We saw and spent time with our friend Shawna! The time wasn't nearly as long as I had wanted BUT it was still so good to see her in person and laugh together again!
We also were able to have dinner with his therapists he had while at Wake Med. His PT wasn't able to make it this time and she was missed! It was so great to have time to chat with them and see their faces! They became so very dear to my heart those months while Cale was inpatient there. We had been gone all day with a friend so by dinner time I was feeling and looking pretty yucky. Before seeing them I was thinking about how I wished that I would have had a chance to freshen up and at least make myself smell better if nothing else, but once I had my first hug, the thought was gone! They made us feel so loved and comfortable. So thankful for them!
We journeyed to another part of NC to spend a week with my brother! Mama had flown in a week before us so she was there as well. We were quite the crazy bunch...let me just tell ya!
the girls had fun hanging out and getting our ears pierced! Caitlin was brave with me and we pierced our upper ear together. I had mine done when I was 17? but it only lasted a couple years. Here's for another go! My sweet little niece Cierra was brave with the big girls and got her ears pierced too! Her first time and she was so scared! In that last picture you can see her goofy cheer squad! We kept a smile on her face right up until they punched the holes and then the tears came! She was so brave and loves her new pretty earrings!
The guys played mini golf and did other...guy stuff.


We love our family and very much dislike they're so far away! The kids are growing up waaaaaay too fast! My brother is so good with Cale and gets Cale laughing so hard I think he stops breathing. My SIL is so funny and we laugh so much together. Sigh. I just love them.

I know there are a bazillion stories to tell and I have some written down to make sure I post but it'll have to wait for another day.

During this time I've been typing, Cale has had another explosion. Ugh. The staff are trying to learn him but at shift change it all starts again. The doc was able to get Cale into his office and then afterwards called me in to chat while Mama stayed in the room with Cale. Friends, please be praying. This program is incredible. Incredible! Just in the short time I just met with the doc already again I'm so excited. But, we need Cale on board. There's no reason to be here if he refuses everything and won't commit. Will you join me in lifting him up before the throne? Maybe while you're at it, lift me up too! :o) Honestly, we need are prayer warriors on board! This is a battle we're only going to conquer with the Lord!

It's hard to be in the position just wanting the best possible life for Cale and him not understanding in the slightest. He says I'm mean, he hates me, and he's going to divorce me. He also yelled that he doesn't want a baby with "that" when Mama was trying to explain how this program can be a help for us to have a baby.  I see him so miserable and it breaks my heart in so many pieces...pieces that I don't know if I can ever find again. I feel has horrible as he says I am. I feel guilty and terrible. This is just one of those times that I have to be the ugly horrid person because I love him so much. So much that it literally hurts...and there are so many tears.

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for being a part of our lives and allowing me to come to you with my heart. As open and raw as it may be. I'm not great at keeping in touch and answering calls and emails...but I am so blessed by all of you!

The first few days at a new facility are always the hardest but I know we'll slowly get settled in.



  1. Wow....I'm so sorry :( I am praying for you and Cale!

    ~Karen Harris

  2. My heart goes out to you guys, you're both in my prayers. Take care and try to be postive!<3
    ~Christy George

  3. Kathleen, my heart hurts with you, and yet I know our mighty God is at work and will accomplish all that concerns you. (Psalm 138:8) Know that we are lifting you and Cale before Jehovah Rapha, and pleading on your behalf. Much love. Terri M.

  4. Dear One, You don't have to find the broken pieces, Father has them in His hands. He will put them back together again, maybe not the same way, maybe a BEAUTIFUl mosaic, BUT they will be back together as only the Master can do. Too, my very sweet friend, Jesus loved so much it hurt, both physical and emotional. He understaands as no-one can. He loves you in a special way, to give you such a clear picture of what Jesus went through for us. That doesn't make it easy, NO it doesn't, BUT you do have a gift wrapped in very impossible situation. I will TRUST Father for Cale's mood swings and your getting to stay for the program. I understand the hurt from your husbands anger. Whether from one with a brain injury, OR from one without a brain injury, it is NO FUN. I love you, Father loves you more, Marion

  5. Kathleen,
    my heart hurts for you as well. It is horrible being told that you are awful when all you are doing is what is best. There is nothing quite like it, nothing causes that kind of pain in your heart. Things that won't be remembered tomorrow, except by you. Please be careful, the explosions, they can be more than emotionally painful. Many prayers!

  6. Oh Kathleen - LOVE that you were able to reconnect with so many prayer warriors in NC. Wish we could have been there to see you too! My boys still talk about the time we kept Basil and will ask periodically how you all are doing. :)

    Lifting you all up and praying for God to work in Cale in a mighty way so that he may benefit greatly from your time there.

    Hugs to you,
    Cyndee (former Salem member, now in KY)

  7. Dear Kathleen--
    I'm not sure why but your posts always come into my email account about a day late. By the time I read this one there was already another one on your blog site for today. Anyway, wow...I will pray. I am so sorry for the pain you have had to feel. I know Cale actually truly loves you so much and you have to remember the love you shared before the accident too! HE LOVES YOU DEARLY...I promise!! Anger can do crazy things to people as we know, even people without brain injuries! My husband and I have been married almost 21 years now and love one another so much but we have said horrible things to each other in anger. Things I would be ashamed of now. (Thankfully we have just kept forgiving...over and over and over.....) You cannot believe anything he says when he is in that state of anger. Do not let the enemy let you believe that any of that is TRUTH in any form. (I do have concern for you as far as the physical aspect...please be careful.) Awhhh...I feel so disappointed that I didn't make it up to Cary to meet you. I knew I would regret not somehow getting up there. It would have been such a blessing to and Amy both are such an inspiration to me. I think you are WONDERFUL! It was so fun to see the photos of you with the Roots. I so miss getting updates from Amy! Anyway, I am going to be praying more for you. Please take care of yourself too! I am so glad your mom has been there with you. Wish I could hug your neck!! :o)
    Lifting you up before the Lord,
    Emily Jordan


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