a boy and a girl and a…

We’ve been waiting patiently to share something with you. I feel like we’ve both been bursting at the seams ready to spill out our excitement with whoever will listen, but it wasn’t the time.

Our hearts are stepping out in a whole new journey together as husband and wife. We know it will be a difficult and challenging road to maneuver through but we’re also confident in the Lord and know that He’s faithful to walk with us and carry us along the way; as well as nudging us along asking us to rest in trusting Him.

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Just weeks prior to the accident, I was sure I was pregnant. So much so that I had convinced myself that I had morning sickness and I peed on 5 tests. Each read negative very clearly but I just knew…I was pregnant.

On Monday February 8^th 2010 I went to the hospital on post and had a blood test done. I knew I was pregnant…right? Cale was signing out of the Army and our plans had us leaving late that afternoon. It had to happen now.

In the hotel room that night we both let our imaginations run wild with the thought that we might actually have a baby being knit together inside of me. Cale tenderly touched my stomach full of questions and amazement. Could it be?

We both went to bed that night cuddled up with smiles on our faces and then woke the next morning with a phone call letting us know the test was negative.

It should have been a “duh” but instead disappointment rang loudly for both of us. For the rest of the day we talked ourselves into realizing that it was the first month of trying and we technically weren’t actually “trying!”

What we didn’t see before us was the very next day after finding out I wasn’t pregnant and working through our disappointment was that God knew something was going to happen. He knew that Cale was going to be smashed into a tree. He knew Cale was going to come real close to death. He knew that we would spend 4 weeks in ICU all the while being told Cale was going to be in a nursing home the rest of his life. He knew the next 14 months would be a crucial part of our journey spent focused on Cale in different hospitals. He knew the ups and downs that lie before us.

He knew my heart wasn’t ready.

He knew I needed to surrender. Completely surrender my desires-all of them-to Him.

The first several months after the accident an ugly bitterness crept in and found it’s way to my heart where it twisted and burrowed it’s way into the depths. I knew its presence and as much as I wanted to make it go away, it became more of a comfort. A hated unwelcomed comfort. Normally, just the sight of a pregnant woman or a tiny little onesie would spread cheer across my face and on most cases would be followed by some kind of squeal. These few months were different though. I would ache. And the ugly bitterness would tighten and squeeze any hope or joy out of me.

I know many of you were even praying for me during those months. I’m so very thankful for each prayer you lifted up. I remember the exact moment I knew I was free of this dark hold. It was May 2010 and a friend had come to visit me. After spending the day with Cale at the hospital we went to the mall for a change of scenery. She was always so great about not allowing the hospital walls to swallow me up. On our way out walking to the parking garage, a couple with a stroller walked our way. I looked up and as they passed, my head turned and I looked back so that my eyes would see that little bundle. Joy. For the first time in months, I felt joy when I saw a baby.

Hope flooded my heart that one day it could be possible. The excitement and smile continued for the next couple years.

Once we were home and after a rather terrible couple of months, Cale and I began to have a conversation that would play out often. One of us would mention wanting a baby. Cale would always very quickly suggest we have one and I would just as quickly tell him we couldn’t have one yet. He would ask why and I would reply telling him that we needed to get him "better." Every time he would ask what needed to be better, I would have a whole list that would fly out of my mouth. Because of his memory he didn’t know we would have that same conversation over and over but I knew it. I had it memorized. I could say it backwards and forwards.

The night of August 17^th 2011 we were in bed and a Huggies commercial came on. I watched as the cute little baby made his way across the floor while his little diapered bottom moved side to side. Our familiar conversation started up again, back and forth about why we couldn’t have a baby except this time, the only way I can explain it is that when I went to say my list, God scooped out all of the words from my mouth. I suddenly had nothing to say and instead I heard His voice. “I write the list.”

You see, as much as I wanted a baby, it was still the one area that I hadn’t given to the Lord. I wanted everything to be the same way that it had been, even though I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I wasn’t willing to accept that having a baby was going to be a very different picture than I had painted. I had been writing the list and making Cale’s recovery about us and not about what God had planned.

I started crying and Cale was confused. We ended up praying together and deciding we would let God lead...should have done that sooner. 

This of course for me meant it’s time for a baby! I got it into my head and started the motion of having control and making my plans. I was sure I would be pregnant by November. Nope. We planned on starting in February. Nope. I knew by summer we’d be pregnant. Nope.

Every time I thought it was time to start trying, God would give me a clear “wait.” You can only imagine that this became an opportunity for the ugly bitterness to weave its way back. Do I want to admit this to you? Absolutely not. I was desperate for a baby. Once again there was the ache. I would find out friends were pregnant and have to force myself to be joyful for them and not be jealous. I had to be intentional about not being jealous of someone else's blessings. 

I came to the Lord multiple times asking, "When?". Last summer when things had gotten really bad with Cale, I knew it wouldn’t have been good to have a baby but my heart wanted to be selfish. I wanted to have a baby and ignore the reality I was living.

During one particular week that I was asking “when?” over and over, Mama and I were going to pick something up we had found on Craigslist and this woman had this beautiful wood cradle in her garage. I just mentioned loving it and that started a conversation…I ended up going home with it that day. For me, it was a sweet gift from the Lord letting me know that He knew my desires and that He was in control. He was still there. Constant. Faithful. He hadn’t left me.

Just a few months later we were inpatient at another hospital. As you all remember it was a time that I knew I needed help. I’m so thankful for that time while at Walter Reed. The nursing staff was amazing. Not just there for Cale, rather, they were there for both of us. They encouraged and helped the hope in me bloom like Spring.

Once we came home from the hospital (again!) and worked through the rough adjustment (again!), life settled and we finally felt at peace. Not just because life was suddenly “perfect” instead it was still full of daily challenges. Yet, when our hearts become still in the presence of the King, there’s a different kind of peace that surpasses all understanding. I can’t point out anything specific of what shifted in our home but I do know I was in the middle of a challenge of my own. I was just months from the marathon that I had started training for. During the training and the race for the marathon, I was taken to a place with the Lord that I had never been before. There grew a new depth in my relationship with Him as I took on this task of what I thought was completely impossible and because I can do all things through Christ, I was able to run 26.2 miles.

It had been thrown out there that we would wait to have a baby until after the race. In fact, Cale informed many that He would be at the finish line with no pants. Ha.

The day after the run while driving home with Rachel, she asked, “So, is it baby time?” I felt as though it should have been another “duh” because hadn’t I been the one waiting? Hadn’t I been the one desperate to get pregnant and start a family? Hadn’t I been the one to whine and whine about wanting a baby?

Yet, this time I didn’t feel desperate. I also didn’t feel like God was specifically saying to “wait” or to “go for it!” I just felt content. For the first time (probably in my entire life!) I felt content with knowing that if God didn’t choose to bless us with a baby, he would choose to bless us another way, and that would be ok. OK. My life wouldn’t be over or ruined. I’m sure I had said before, that I was good with whatever God had planned in that department, but this was the first time I was honest about it.

The following week, I was at the hospital while a friend was having a baby. She had a C-section and because of an infection, she wasn’t able to see her baby until later that evening. The minutes passed and then hours and Kelley just wanted to see her baby girl. While other friends rushed to her side when she would start to cry, I sat back and watched this intense love that shown so heavily through her eyes. It was a look like no other.  It was the most amazing thing for me to watch this love she had for her baby that she had only seen for a brief couple of minutes.

It was at that time that I whispered there in the hospital room with tears in my eyes “I want that.” To the only One who knew my heart and knew the growth and transformation that had happened. There wasn’t a “wait” that came and again I didn’t hear a “go for it!” I just felt a rush of peace wash over me.

Almost a month later we started trying. At this point, I was still very much at peace. If we started trying and nothing happened would I be ok? I would. I would be sad but I know I would be ok. If we ended up pregnant and miscarried (a whole other story…) would I be ok? Yes. Sad? Yes.

(This is the video of Cale finding out along with Mama, Dennis & Kathy, and my SIL Nikki. Very sweet! You should watch it...and listen to Cale...he's adorable!)

Within weeks I took a test and it was negative. I was telling myself once again that this was just the beginning! We wanted to enjoy this exciting time! That was on a Sunday and on Friday I took another test…and…

It read “pregnant” and I started to cry.

I took 4 tests…they all said the same thing. Cale took one…his didn’t say pregnant.

There’s a baby growing inside of me. The perfect gift. It’s with a heart of peace and gratitude that I’m able to find joy in every moment of this.

Wednesday night “morning” sickness came into the whole experience. I thought I might just get through the pregnancy with out knowing what that really was…but it came. Thursday we were flying all day; we’re now in NC visiting my brother. At one point between flights, I was a hot mess. Literally. I really thought I was going to lose lunch all over the place as well as start bawling. Cale, my sweet husband, in the middle of the airport placed his hand on my head and spent the next almost 10 minutes praying over me.

There are absolutely no words to describe what that was like. Thankful.

While on the flight Cale turns to me at one point in the middle of his iPad game and asked, “Do you have a Bible?” With surprise I pulled it out and handed it to him. He spent the next few minutes flipping pages and then stopped. He was scanning the words but I could tell he couldn’t see them. After a few more minutes he paused and asked for me to read Deuteronomy 6:5-8

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.

When I finished he said, “That just popped in my head to read that verse. I didn’t know what it was but I had to read it. Crazy.”

This is not the norm. Cale asking for a Bible, trying to read it on his own, or being able to say a verse is not what happens.

We are so excited to have this baby and raise it to know and love the Lord. We’re excited to be husband and wife and walk this new road of being parents! 

Yaaaahoooooo!!!!

So very thankful...