Monday, October 27, 2014

hears, sees, knows.

During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew.
Exodus 2:23-25

I've been doing a bible study on Moses over the last several weeks. It's feeding me bread and not just milk. I absolutely love it and need it. 

A few weeks ago, we read Exodus 2:23-25 and three words stuck out to me; heard, saw, and knew. 

One of the other ladies in the study had brought it up so I wasn't the only one. These words have been playing over and over in my mind. I've been chewing on them like Nora chews on her toys-focused, determined, and with purpose. 

My heart has been tugged on the last few days. Partly I know why and I know things aren't as dramatic as they may seem to be this week as they will next week...but partly life is hard and that makes for hard

I kind of vented to Mama this afternoon. I wasn't complaining, just stating facts. I'm sure I should have felt better after getting it all out but I think I just became even more stuck under thick mud. At least that's the image in this crazy mind of mine!

Things are good with Cale. I see him trying in so many different ways to become a better man, husband and daddy. It's beautiful. It really is. So quickly my thoughts can lead to this spiraling trail of listing off all the things that we don't have-that I don't have; things that feel stolen.

I'm sure if you check back in with me next week, I'll be fine. For today though, today was just heavy. Blah.

I was rocking with Nora this evening feeding her before bed. I was listening to Mama tell a story when there was a knock at the door. Mama's friend had just left so we thought maybe she had forgotten something. Mama answered the door to a pile of stuff. She came back to Nora's room with a bag of stuff and a sweet sweet gift.

Friend, if you're struggling tonight, I want to let you know that the God who created this universe and the God who knit you together in your mother's womb,

He hears you.
He sees you.
He knows you.

When you press in and with desperation you seek Him, you will find Him. He will wrap His arms around you and love you. 

He's personal. 

There will be heavy hearted days that are swimming (or even sinking) in mud but there's also a God that knows exactly what your thoughts are. 

He hears you.
He sees you.
He knows you. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The After.

I have to laugh. The moment I sit down to update this blog of ours, Nora wakes from her nap...45 minutes earlier than her typical length of nap. Its lovely I tell you, this life of mine. 

I've once again let time pass away with out logging onto my account and letting my fingers move across the keyboard doing the communicating. For now, I'm going to set aside the last couple months (I know some of you have been asking for updated pictures...they'll come!) and share just whats on my heart at this moment. 

Back in September, we celebrated Cale's birthday. Another year has passed and as always we're able to rejoice in what the Lord has done in his life. 

The morning started out with Mama running to the store early as I fed Nora. He doesn't care for cake but he sure does have a great appreciation for the manmade maple bar. It's quite the relationship. 

There was six of these maple frosted bars purchased and layered on a plate in such a way to make the perfect birthday breakfast cake. Mama even put a candle on top. We were so excited, knowing Cale was going to find this funny and enjoyable. 

After everything was ready to go and Nora was all taken care of, I walked into our bedroom to get Cale for breakfast. I was met with an angry man. He didn't want to have anything to do with me or anything I could say. I tried to talk with him and calm his ranting. 

Wait. Wasn't this supposed to be a happy morning? Everything is planned and ready! 

That doesn't matter when you have a brain injury and you lose all ability to reason. Nothing matters except for the emotion you experience in that very moment. 

Mama had to leave real quick so I was left with Cale and Nora. 

All of a sudden Cale burst out of the room and decided he was taking off. Directing to the man cave wasn't going to help this time. Unfortunately. 

We have the police department on board for times like this. For times when he bolts and I'm here with a baby unable to chase after him. For a split second I questioned what I should do. Call the police? It didn't really seem like a fit for this situation. Quickly get Nora into her carseat and follow after? Possibly but I'm limited in what I can do when she's with me. I wouldn't be able to jump out of the car and walk with him at all.

I called our neighbor that lives down our street. Tiffany has saved us more than once in different normal life stuff and as always she was to the rescue. All I had to say was that Cale was upset and walking down the street.  She ended up walking for a long time with him (barefoot!) until our youth pastor at church came and talked Cale into going for a drive. 

All the while, there was this plate of donuts sitting in the microwave, untouched. 

Happy Birthday Cale...

In our home, days like this happen. They come and go. Without warning we have bad days when brain injury takes over. Tears usually come with it. 

Eventually, sometimes minutes and sometimes hours later, there comes a relief over whatever situation we're in. A time when smiles come back. 

There comes a time when brain injury seems to take a break and the donut cake comes out and the candle gets blown out. 

Those hard moments are hard. I'm not going to lie or make it seem like I respond perfectly and handle it full of grace and dignity. 

Most of the time, I have absolutely no clue what to do...unless he's mad at you and not me. I can do that just fine ;) 

I always know there's the other side. There's always the after. There's always the sunlight that begins to peak through the clouds after the rain is over. 

I bask in those moments. 

I soak in the smiles, cheers, and laughter. 

We recently walked through a few weeks of storm clouds and rain in this house. I was even in conversation with his doc at Walter Reed. Would we need to go back? What can be done? What do I need to do? So many questions and as I sat at Jesus' feet, I didn't feel like there was a clear answer. I pressed in. I became very still before Him. I didn't go mad trying to figure out the perfect solution. I just waited before the Lord with truth opened across my lap. 

And, without too much notice, we've entered into the "after" and the rays of sunlight are over us. 

There will be another episode of anger but as far as another stormy season, we've come through once again. Excitement wells up within me as we're together holding hands into this next season.