Dreams.

Third post in a month- surprised? Ha.  

I'm sharing this sooner than I had planned. Yet, because of a moment that happened last night, I can't wait any longer. It was amazing and in the midst of it, the words came for me to share with all of you. So, here it goes...I'm going to launch right into it. 

As many of you know, Cale and I were 18 when we decided to get married. He was joining the Army and we ended up after prayer, 24 hours of not seeing each other and conversations with people in our lives who had wisdom to share, we said, "I do." 

It was crazy. It was...I would rather neither of my kiddos ever put the details of our age and marriage together. Haha. Anyways, we landed at Fort Drum, NY later that year and I had gone to a presentation on post for new Army wives. I was excited to meet people so I was there to get all the info. 

While waiting in the little waiting room, I read through a magazine that had been sitting on the corner table. I flipped through it mindlessly until a story caught my eye. I've always loved babies and on the left side of one of the pages, it showed a Mom, Dad and their new baby. Sweet picture- totally grabbed my attention. I began reading the story on the right side of the article. 

This couple had desperately wanted a baby and after years of trying and not able to and after seeking medical help that led to even more disappointment, they decided to find a surrogate-someone to carry their baby. The line that has stuck with me all these years, "We wanted to be able to look down and see our features in our baby." They had someone else carry their baby- this was wild to me and also stirred in my heart a dream that I have continued to pray about since that day. At 18 I declared to my husband once he was home from work, "I'm going to carry a baby for someone one day!" 

We were young and had not a true clue about too much in life at that point but I began to pray and Cale thought it was a cool idea and wasn't surprised in the slightest. 

I began to tell people. Responses were mixed with 

"sounds crazy" 

"Kathleen, you're too sensitive to do something like that. You could never give a baby away after carrying it." 

"You have no idea what it's like to carry a baby and feel them inside of you."

"Pregnancy is hard. Not sure about that."

"I can totally see you doing that." 

It's true. I had never experienced being pregnant but it didn't matter. I continued to pray. Over time I learned there are agencies you can connect with and they'll find you someone but I felt strongly to wait. Pray and continue to pray. 

After the accident, I was pretty certain for a while we weren't going to be able to have our own baby. Kids were not going to happen for us but I held to the dream of maybe being able to carry for someone else.  

Nora came into the picture. All the emotions of the positive test and feeling her move within me were beautiful and overwhelming. I loved being pregnant. I loved the bond that grew with in the days that passed. Birth was hard- so hard but so amazing. That same week I said, "I can still do that for someone else." 

Becoming a mommy, wow. I felt like I settled in to the role loving it fully. All the extra adventure that came with baby and brain injury- I love it. 

Easton came. Whew! He changed everything in our life. 

Second pregnancy- incredible. Every part of it was so wonderful and then came birth- It was again, amazing.

That same week I said, "I still hope I can be pregnant for someone else." And even through both pregnancies I talked about the dream I longed for. 

Time kept going. Days rolled by and the dream was feeling farther away since nothing had even come close to happening. 

April 2019 I was at a friends baby shower and the ladies were all talking about their pregnancies. It came up how much I loved being pregnant and then one of my friends said "Kathleen loved it so much she wants to be pregnant for someone else!" I made a comment about how it was true but nothing was happening!

Just a couple weeks later I got a text from my friend Carrie on April 20, 2019

Random question: are you still interested in being a surrogate?

Umm... YES. My heart was racing instantly. Could this actually be happening?! 

Kathleen. Girl. Don't get too excited. BUT oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my goooooooodness.

Pray. Oh that's a great idea...pray. Breathe. Pray. 

April 22, 2019 I had my first conversation with Jamie. 

Just a couple months later after some medical news on their part and some issues with insurance, everything stopped. I thought it was over. I still had hope but it felt like there was no way to make it happen.

Summer days went on and into the fall we went. 

Jamie reached out and asked if I was still interested. Absolutely! Things picked up and everything was starting once again. 

There are so many details I could write about but it would just be too much. I'm going to fast forward through some ups and downs. 

Several cycles were done to try to get an embryo and it just wasn't successful. 

Jamie was doing one last try. We were waiting for results and as I drove down the road, the song Waymaker came on. I was alone in the van and sang that song louder than I think I've ever sung any song. I screamed it with tears running down my cheeks. 

Lord, YOU ARE THE WAY MAKER, MIRACLE WORKER. I trust you Lord. I trust you. I know that you can make a way for this baby to come. I know you can. You didn't promise this to me but I know you can make a way. 

He didn't. Not that time. News came back we lost the embryo. 

It was over. The dream that I had held onto for so long was gone. 

It hurt to the deepest parts of my heart. It was August 2020 and it felt like so much time had been wrapped up in something that was just gone. 

I also didn't know how to react to Jamie. I knew her and her husband were hurting so deeply. Could I text? Should I? Call? Be silent? I didn't know and that was probably the hardest part. I had grown to love her and care for her- and to lose the dream of baby and the relationship, I just hurt. 

The following month Jamie let me know they were thinking about trying one last time. After conversations with her doc, they had come up with a plan and with the adjustment of meds there was a possibility for a different outcome. 

Way Maker, Miracle Worker. 

That song played so many times during her last cycle and once again we waited for results. There was just one embryo being sent off this time and once I heard that, man. It felt like we already knew it wasn't going to be news we wanted to here. Previously we had sent off multiple embryos and lost them all. Surely if we were sending one off, it was going to be lost as well.  

I was again driving down the road. Again, had tears flooding down my cheeks as I screamed out, "Lord! YOU ARE THE WAY MAKER, MIRACLE WORKER. It's who you are. YOU CAN DO THIS. I trust you. I know you can make a way and if not, I still trust you. You are always good. Always." 

This time it was different news. 

Last time. 

One embryo. 

One perfect baby girl. 

Golly. 

Shots & meds for me started. 

Transfer happened. 

So many more details but to wrap up... baby girl is still healthy and strong. 

Last night, I went to a women's event and the third worship song came on and my heart exploded. I sang and once again tears came. Baby girl was moving wildly inside me as I worshipped and sang out Way Maker, Miracle Worker...

He didn't have to. He didn't have to make a way but He did. He made a way and there I was being reminded of those hot tears of desperation for a way to be made. A miracle to happen. 

I praised Him for His goodness. I thanked HIm for the miracle of baby girl. 

He was working the whole time. I didn't see it the whole time but He was working. 

First coffee date! 

Transfer Day!!!!

This was after finding out my blood test was positive! 

Wearing Belly Buds so Baby Girl gets to hear her mommas voice! 

I'm 34. This dream began at 18...waiting. It's a thing in this life. We wait for lots of different kinds of things. Some of them are never answered the way we would like them to be. Cale's full healing, it hasn't happened. One day, he will be whole. This side of Heaven, I'll still be waiting. Some things we wait for are good and beautiful things. Some things are scary and challenging. 

God's word is FULL of waiting. 

Over and over His perfect timing is revealed to be just that- perfect. Whether it's the current generation or generations down the line. Whether it's here on earth or not until eternity. 

This journey is...well, I don't have words. It's just amazing but the fruit that has come out of it- watching my sweet 7 year old lay her hands on my belly and pray for this sweet baby inside of me...so much beauty. 

It's not over. We still have 9 weeks left. 

The moment this sweet girl is lifted into her mommy's arms...unspeakable overwhelming joy. 

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This is so long- sorry. I literally could have written so many more details but some of it isn't my story to share. I'm sure you have questions about how Cale is handling it as well as the kiddos. Later I can say more but to keep this short, they're all doing so wonderfully with it all! 

Although...Easton is ready for mommy to wrestle him again...

:)