You know when you have a mountain of mail that builds up, stuff that you know you need to go through and throw away the garbage but some of it is actually important? It's hard finding time to sort through it all. Well, my brain fills like a pile of mail. For the most part, I like things organized. My brain at this point is not. I don't think it ever has been which is why at age 16 I was having to carry around a notebook in my purse to keep notes of everything, when at the same time, my mom was having to do that too. I just started a lot younger...anyways, I haven't been able to sleep in a week and I figured out last night around 2am that it's because of the chaos in my brain. I have so many thoughts stored up that the warning light is flashing brightly, so I thought I better just take the time and sort it out. So I'm using this nifty blog :) Hopefully, I get it out and for some it's a little encouragement and not a cause of a nap.
Yesterday I was reading Mark 9. A man came to Jesus and was asking healing for his son. After explaining what was happening with the boy, the man asks Jesus to do something if He can. In verse 23 is the reply "What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." Later, in Mark 10, a blind man yells out to Jesus, and when Jesus asks the man what he wanted him to do, the blind man says "I want to see" and Jesus says "Go your way, Your faith has healed you." I just continue to be so amazed my all the miracles! I grew up reading these stories over and over but now when my heart feels so desperate for a miracle, I can really put myself in the places of these people that lived so long ago. There are so many questions with Cale's condition. There has been since day one. At first it was whether he was going to live, and then every little step is unknown. Now, my thoughts are consumed with the future and how our life will forever be different. I can't hold on to the past and think it will be like that again. This has changed our whole life. It doesn't mean that it will be bad. It's just all unknown. I feel the constant challenge, to just believe and have faith. Because of that I've been able to see Cale go from laying in ICU not able to move to now making noises and holding his head up! Every day I have to come to the Lord and be like one of those people from the stories, and know that HE IS ENOUGH. He will hold me and sustain me. He gives the amount of strength I need, and He's healing Cale more and more everyday. If I choose to believe and have faith, we will see the other side.
This morning I went for a walk with Basil. The alarm went off and with another night of no sleep, I turned it off and had every intention of rolling over and going back to sleep. That was until I realized there was a body next to mine. As I opened my eyes and they adjusted to the dark room, I saw this little face starring at me and then a light whimper...he needs to go potty. If I don't get up now it will happen, and it won't be fun to clean. When we got outside and Basil did his business, I decided a walk with the Lord would be a good refreshment. I did this just a couple weeks ago and I just really enjoy being able to walk and pour my heart out to the only one that can really understand ALL that's on my heart. If you haven't tried taking a walk, just you and the Lord (and a dog if you happen to have one!) and really talking to Him before, I encourage you. It's delightful :) and time spent with the King, is necessary for trials like this. I know that if my life, before the accident, didn't include genuine times with Him then I would be a pile of gunk stuck to the floor, soaked in unstoppable tears.
I'm in the early stages of the agitation, and Cale is not wanting anything to do with anybody, including me. It's in and out, but for the most part, if I get near him and talk he's quick to raise his arm and push me away. This idea of him not wanting me, frightened me when I first heard about it a couple weeks after the accident. I couldn't imagine him not being better hearing my voice or feeling my touch. I know I'm only in the early stages of it, but it's nothing like what I thought it was going to be like. I find myself laughing so much and becoming excited just to see responses! there will be times that it gets hard, but what a blessing to see him be so purposeful!
One last thing before I end, On Thursday, April 22nd, I would like to invite everyone to take the day to pray and fast for Cale's recovery. I'll post about it when it get's closer, but for now, if you would like to join me, mark your calenders!
and...once again the address on the blog is getting fixed. I'm not getting the mail that's coming until way after it arrives because I'm not a patient here so they can't find me!:)