Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Heavy Heart

My head is aching and my eyes are swollen. Today was a hard day. It started out this morning with finding out that one of the girls in the unit started talking. It was so exciting! As I heard the therapist telling her dad the story I felt like I was going to jump out of my body! Instead I ran (with my body!) to give him a hug and the tears started...after hearing the rest of the story I went to Cale's room and all of a sudden I'm standing there sobbing because right after the excitement was a flood of jealousy. I want that to be Cale! I fell to my knees and immediately started to repent and then with my hand on Cale's I started to pray so desperately that God would choose to bless us that way. I want it so bad.

For the most part Cale was the same today. He for some reason is still not making noise other then a few groans on Friday. When speech was in with him, for the first time he started to punch her! It was really great! There wasn't much power behind the punch but he was definitely very purposeful.

Shawna and I left for lunch and then headed to the court house for the hearing. I actually felt really confident and not too worried about it. We were running a tiny bit late, well, I think we would have been on time except when we got to the elevators, there was none available. All of them were heading up and then had to head back down, we were waiting on the 1st floor and needed to get to the 12th. It seemed like we were going to be waiting for way too long so we started with stairs. After getting to the 4th floor and realizing that neither of us are in very good shape right now (breathing really heavy with legs that wouldn't move...), we decided to wait for the elevators. The first part of the hearing was a breeze. I thought at that point all I needed to do was sign a few papers and we'd be out of there.

I'm naive. There's nothing "breezy like" when I'm signing papers to take all rights from my husband, the man I married, and turning things into what more feels like I'm a business person instead of his wife. I could go on and on about the hearing and the dreadful couple hours it was but it would do no good. It was just absolutely awful. I was wondering why I put it off for so long and now I know. Yuck.

After I was back at the hotel and puffy eyed, I had to go through all the stuff that was in the Toyota that my brother had brought back to me. One of the bags had the book I was reading in the car the day of the accident. A friend had given me the book "What to Expect Before You're Expecting" that is now covered in dried blood. More tears...I also looked at the clothes that both of us were wearing that day. I had asked my brother not to throw them away until I could see them. Why not look tonight since I'm already a stream of tears? I know it might sound gross, but I needed to see them (Juan, they are now in the trash!) and then be done with it.

I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. Psalm 69:2

I'm choosing to trust Him, everyday. He is in control. My heart is sad today but tomorrow is a new day!

Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
Psalm 86:4

8 comments:

  1. Christian and Kath Fahey5/18/10, 4:40 PM

    Oh Kathleen,

    So very sorry that you are going through all of this. I just want to give you a 'Mom hug" right now! And just let you cry. So sorry Baby girl. Keep your chin up in the direction of Jesus.....he is strong, He can carry you and Cale!
    Praying...Love you,

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  2. The Bensons5/18/10, 4:45 PM

    My sweet friend,
    I am crying torrents of tears for you. I am so sorry that you have to go through this right now. I am so grateful you had someone to go with you to the courthouse. I really don't want to say more right now as per my message on facebook except to say HE is able and I love you and I am praying for you every moment that I am able. We love you both so much,
    Charlie and Jean

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  3. Wednesdays are pray evenings around here. That's a good thing I found out. Colonial Baptist (a mega church), Calvary chapel, Apex baptist, Salem and a bunch of prayer warriors in Chicago are with you tonight.(Weds.} And every night.

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  4. Kathleen, I'm one of the people you don't know who is following your posts everyday. I wish I could do something, anything to lessen your pain. I know you must know you are not alone and I am just one more who is with you in spirit. Stay strong Kathleen. You and Cale are in my heart and in my prayers everyday.

    Lisa B.

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  5. I'm hurting for you. You are such an amazing wife. I pray for you daily but I will be praying a little harder tonight:) I'm still praying that our God will heal Cale completely. I really hope I can come see you sometime soon. Love you.

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  6. Kathleen,
    This verse from Allen Asbury's song is to let you know, that there are MANY "somebody's" out here praying you through....

    "Somebody's praying you through
    Somebody's praying you through
    Through your tears, through the rain
    Through your sorrow, through your pain....
    So when your drowning in a sea of hurt
    And it feels like life couldn't get any worse
    There's a blessing waiting to push back the curse,
    'Cause somebody's praying you through....
    Someone got down on their knees & prayed for you
    Somebody's, somebody's praying you through!"

    Much love from a friend "praying you through",
    Judy Jay (Dryden, NY)

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  7. Oh my sweet friend! There are no words to say how I feel for you right now! I mean what do you say at a moment like this? I just wish I was there to pick you up and hold you and let you cry! May all our tears bring on the healing rain! Love you!
    ~Tigger~

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  8. As I was reading your post I was saying to myself that today was such a big day for you. You faced so many of your fears today. This is part of your healing process. Just as Cale needs to heal, so do you. I am so sorry you are having to face all of these challenges. You have people all over the world praying for you. God is good. He will continue to help you get through this.

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