My head is aching and my eyes are swollen. Today was a hard day. It started out this morning with finding out that one of the girls in the unit started talking. It was so exciting! As I heard the therapist telling her dad the story I felt like I was going to jump out of my body! Instead I ran (with my body!) to give him a hug and the tears started...after hearing the rest of the story I went to Cale's room and all of a sudden I'm standing there sobbing because right after the excitement was a flood of jealousy. I want that to be Cale! I fell to my knees and immediately started to repent and then with my hand on Cale's I started to pray so desperately that God would choose to bless us that way. I want it so bad.
For the most part Cale was the same today. He for some reason is still not making noise other then a few groans on Friday. When speech was in with him, for the first time he started to punch her! It was really great! There wasn't much power behind the punch but he was definitely very purposeful.
Shawna and I left for lunch and then headed to the court house for the hearing. I actually felt really confident and not too worried about it. We were running a tiny bit late, well, I think we would have been on time except when we got to the elevators, there was none available. All of them were heading up and then had to head back down, we were waiting on the 1st floor and needed to get to the 12th. It seemed like we were going to be waiting for way too long so we started with stairs. After getting to the 4th floor and realizing that neither of us are in very good shape right now (breathing really heavy with legs that wouldn't move...), we decided to wait for the elevators. The first part of the hearing was a breeze. I thought at that point all I needed to do was sign a few papers and we'd be out of there.
I'm naive. There's nothing "breezy like" when I'm signing papers to take all rights from my husband, the man I married, and turning things into what more feels like I'm a business person instead of his wife. I could go on and on about the hearing and the dreadful couple hours it was but it would do no good. It was just absolutely awful. I was wondering why I put it off for so long and now I know. Yuck.
After I was back at the hotel and puffy eyed, I had to go through all the stuff that was in the Toyota that my brother had brought back to me. One of the bags had the book I was reading in the car the day of the accident. A friend had given me the book "What to Expect Before You're Expecting" that is now covered in dried blood. More tears...I also looked at the clothes that both of us were wearing that day. I had asked my brother not to throw them away until I could see them. Why not look tonight since I'm already a stream of tears? I know it might sound gross, but I needed to see them (Juan, they are now in the trash!) and then be done with it.
I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. Psalm 69:2
I'm choosing to trust Him, everyday. He is in control. My heart is sad today but tomorrow is a new day!
Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.