Last night ended up being full of tears and more tears. I was just really missing Cale. It's been a challenging week for him, but also, I just miss my husband. When I could feel myself start to get sad, I thought maybe if I went back to the hospital and hold him, it'll make me feel better. When I got to the hospital, Cale was already asleep and looked so peaceful. I didn't want to disturb him, but at the same time I was desperate to wrap my arms around him.
I was laying there, and I felt so unsatisfied. I started searching my memory of any scripture that I could cling to, in Philipians it says, do not be anxious, throughout the gosples it says, do not worry, in several places in the bible it says do not be afraid, and again it says, do not be discouraged. I wasn't feeling any of these things, and the tears had started...then I remembered that God is my comforter.
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of ALL comfort. 2 Corthians 1:3
I can hold onto all the truths that God has given me to hold onto through this journey, but it doesn't make missing Cale easier. My heart aches to have Cale back, healthy and whole, my stomach turns every time I see him unhappy, I so badly want to hear his voice, and hear him say "I love you". The feeling doesn't go away, but how amazing that I can let it all out, and He's there to comfort me like no one else can.
As for today, it was so great to get back to the hospital this morning and see Cale. I didn't feel all happy and refreshed, but I'm so thankful that God, time after time, picks me up and pours on me peace, love, joy, comfort, strength, wisdom, and grace.
The doctor decided to have a CT scan done on Cale just to make sure they aren't missing anything. It's been a really off week, Cale has almost slept through every day and every night. The times that he's awake are short and he's extremely agitated. I'm so grateful that instead of just passing it off as just another stage, they want to check it out. I'm praying it is only a new stage.
The speech therapist came in this afternoon and decided to try chocolate pudding instead of ice. Let's just say, Cale wasn't to pleased with either of us being in his room or her trying to put something in his mouth...pudding on him, her, me, and the bed :) Maybe another time.
Here is a new Cale game...I'm not sure what he was doing but it was really funny! If anyone talked to him, he would pull the sheet over his head and hide!