Last night it was late when I wrote, so I didn't get to take the time and share a very special praise. I've mentioned in a previous post that I was having a hard time when I saw baby stuff or a pregnant woman. Well, it was more then just a hard time. For as long as I can remember, babies were an extremely joyful thing for me. I've wanted my own for so long, but Cale and I had decided when we first got married that we were going to wait until he was done with the Army so he wouldn't have to miss anything. In 2006 when Cale was deployed, God opened the doors for me to go to Malawi and hold babies for 6 months! It was amazing. Even then I was missing Cale like crazy, a baby always made me smile.
After the accident, when I would see a baby, pregnant women, or even parents with their children, my heart would feel so angry and it would feel like someone kicked me in the gut. I know, it's horrible...but it's the ugliness that's been eating inside me. I've been praying that God would soften my heart again, that he would give me that love for new life, instead of bitterness that I might never be able to have a baby.
Last night, Shawna and I went to dinner and on our way out, there was a couple walking towards us with a newborn. As soon as I saw the baby, my reaction was "Awe!". There was no bitterness, anger, jealousy, or pain. It was beautiful!
As Cale is going through this healing process, so am I. There are things that God is daily having to confront me with and I'm having to get on my knees and surrender. This heart issue that may not seem like a big thing was huge. The Lord is so good.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.