Saturday, June 12, 2010

Healing-For Both of Us :)

Last night it was late when I wrote, so I didn't get to take the time and share a very special praise. I've mentioned in a previous post that I was having a hard time when I saw baby stuff or a pregnant woman. Well, it was more then just a hard time. For as long as I can remember, babies were an extremely joyful thing for me. I've wanted my own for so long, but Cale and I had decided when we first got married that we were going to wait until he was done with the Army so he wouldn't have to miss anything. In 2006 when Cale was deployed, God opened the doors for me to go to Malawi and hold babies for 6 months! It was amazing. Even then I was missing Cale like crazy, a baby always made me smile.

After the accident, when I would see a baby, pregnant women, or even parents with their children, my heart would feel so angry and it would feel like someone kicked me in the gut. I know, it's horrible...but it's the ugliness that's been eating inside me. I've been praying that God would soften my heart again, that he would give me that love for new life, instead of bitterness that I might never be able to have a baby.

Last night, Shawna and I went to dinner and on our way out, there was a couple walking towards us with a newborn. As soon as I saw the baby, my reaction was "Awe!". There was no bitterness, anger, jealousy, or pain. It was beautiful!

As Cale is going through this healing process, so am I. There are things that God is daily having to confront me with and I'm having to get on my knees and surrender. This heart issue that may not seem like a big thing was huge. The Lord is so good.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

3 comments:

  1. hey sweety i know how hard it is.i too went through those emotions but god worked on my heart as well.hang in there good things will happen.i love you love deb

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  2. Kathleen, you are such a tender shoot in His hands. He is doing wonderful things in and through you two. Keep your chin up. I was just reminded of a song I just love. I'm sure you know it. One line goes, "When you can't see His plan, trust His heart." He is watching and so are many other people. Cale is coming along and every new step it one step closer!!! God bless you for your example of faith. Love, Julie H.

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  3. Kathleen, I don't know if I've already commented or not. (I keep meaning to.) I am one of Adam's cousins. Since Amy shared her story of meeting you, my sister and I have been following your blog. We want you to know that we've been praying for you and Cale. You are a faithful child of God, and I admire your heart to love and serve Him. Thanks for your openness and sincerity in the midst of it all, too. I look forward to ongoing reports, and, more importantly, discovering all of the ways that God is transforming you so that you become more like Christ.

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