So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. 2 Corinthians 4:16 (The Message)
It's been a hard emotional day. Challenging. I have been in tears throughout the day and I've felt overwhelmed. It's hard being here alone sometimes. It wasn't all bad, it's just draining.
It started yesterday a little, and today it was constant. Cale is mad. He's angry and sad. I can't imagine how he feels! My heart is breaking for him and at the same time, I have no idea what's the right thing for me to be doing. He has been throwing fits all day. He's keeps saying, "This sucks!" and throwing his arms. From a distance today, I could tell right away that he was mad again. Thankfully, it doesn't take much to get him to calm down (usually). Dr. Howe is back tomorrow so I know it's going to help talking to her about it. Even though it's really hard to see him like this, I know it's a good thing and a part of him healing. He's starting to realize even more that he can't do all that he could before. Things are different. He still doesn't understand his brain was hurt or even the reason why he's in the hospital. He can't remember (and it's a good thing!) how he was even a couple months ago. He's frustrated and keeps saying he's not getting better. He said today that he's mad at everyone. He's not being angry with me or at me, but it's still hard for me to see him so mad. He's not wanting to eat anything either, which is hard too. The thought of having to go grocery shopping and cook stuff sounds so overwhelming. I already don't have time to go to the store, except for quick trips...ugg. When I think of all the really quick things I could make in the microwave, he won't eat any of it! I said at one point this afternoon, "I don't know what I'm going to be able to make for your meals." C: "cookies." K: " You can't have only cookies for a meal!" C: "Pie" K: "You can't have only pie." C: "Then both!" Haha! That's an even better meal! Cookies and Pie...!
I'm whining. I know. Tonight I'm going to go to sleep and wake up to a new day. I'm going to rejoice and be glad in it! I know everything is going to be fine, and again I know that him going through this stage is a good thing. I know when I make myself go to the store tomorrow, I'll be able to find a few things that he will hopefully enjoy! I read this morning in my quiet time "One of the things I love about God is that He sees progress even in our small steps. He sees infinitely into the past and the future, so He knows when an inch we've taken is going to turn into a mile." My little view only can see what's happening right now, with Cale being angry, but God sees the whole picture (I have to keep reminding myself of this!) and knows what the next stage is, He knows the healing that's taking place in Cale, and He knows what role this stage is going to play in Cale's recovery. I have to break down this journey often rather than always look at the whole thing. Every step we take through this, God has equipped us-He's prepared us. Whatever is going on with Cale right now, God has already instilled in me how to be the best wife that I can be for him where he's at-if I allow God to work in my heart and keep my focus on Him.
This morning, I woke a little earlier so that I could have much needed time in prayer. I needed time that wasn't rushed, was away from the hospital, and just me and the Lord. It was such a wonderful time! Such a blessing that I had that time this morning because of all that I faced through out the day! I was able to claim scripture that I had read and studied, and was reminded of some of my prayer time this morning! When we allow God to take hold of our day, then we are able to face whatever comes at us, reflecting Christ.
I wrote something up this morning that was part of the bible study I'm doing. I spent some time thinking about it and working on it. There were specific directions, but I wanted to make it really personal for where I'm at in life. I wanted to share it with you...
I praise God who is my Protector! My Peace Giver! You have prepared every step of this painful path you have for me. I must be patient and trust in Your perfect plan! -kd
It's definitely not from a professional, but I wanted to share it because that's what was on my heart this morning, and then I had a day like today. I was able to hold on to what I had written from my heart and it encouraged me so much! How great is God?!
Another hard time today, that I thought was going to be really exciting was a trip to go bowling! Cale used to love to bowl and was really good at it too! I was so excited for him to go again and have a good time. I was thinking it was going to be great to help his not-so-great day. Well, it started off good. He was excited about bowling, put his shoes, on and got in position!
The only problem was that he had his hands ready, but when he brought the ball back, he didn't have enough strength and coordination to bring it forward to send it down the ally. He got so upset! He was saying it was dumb and he was mad. After a while, we were able to get him to join in again using the ramp.
At the end of the game, he said he was mad. I asked why and he said "my score. I suck now." :( Poor guy! It must be so hard for him to not be able to understand why everything is so hard now. Even with him being upset, he did keep a pretty good attitude and had some fun even if he doesn't want to admit it! He clapped a few times and cheered for himself and the other patient that was playing with us!
It's not acceptable to throw fits though, so we're going to be working on this...
Tonight we ended the hard day with a really sweet time together. After reading our devotional, I talked to him about his day. After he told me how he's mad and sad that we're in a hospital, I said to him, " God gave you and me a job to be in this hospital right now. What do we need to do if God gives us a job?" C: "accept the job." K: "Do we accept it and be miserable?" C: "No" K: "We have to do our best and work our hardest right?" by the end of the conversation, he was doing a lot better. When we prayed, he prayed that he would have a better day tomorrow :) I'm praying for that too!!