The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Psalm 23:1-3
This morning started out great! Cale was awake when I got to the hospital at 6:30am. They had just gotten him freshened for the day and into a chair near his bed. I helped get his teeth brushed and hair combed (something very important in ICU!), and then I helped him eat some breakfast. He ended up eating the most that he had been able to, so that was a good start to the day. We had time to play cards and hang out before things started to get busy. About 11:30am we were moved out of ICU and in to a step down unit.
In this picture, Cale was saying, "Good bye ICU!" :)
The whole ICU stay was very draining. It was so loud and busy the whole time! It was very different then our first visit, that's for sure. I was hoping that getting moved out, things would calm down for Cale. No such luck. He's in a room with three other patients so he can be closely monitored still. Hopefully it's just for tonight! There was a special Soup and Bread lunch for Martin Luther King Day, so I went downstairs to get us some yummy soup. Everything up until that point had been going pretty well...
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4
Cale had a horrible afternoon/evening. It's the worst I've seen him and it was really bad. My heart hurt for him in a way that caused me so much pain, it felt like I was being stabbed. I'm not trying to be dramatic, just honest. He had gotten himself so worked up that he almost hit the nurse, pulled out his IV, and kept hitting himself. At first I just wrapped my arms around him and started praying. I wasn't quite sure what else I could do. Then he began to say that he was mad, angry, sad, hurt, scared and that he quit. He even said that he wanted to die.
I know I've said it before, but I just can't imagine what he's feeling. He still doesn't understand that he has brain injury and he's hurt. He doesn't remember he had surgery, so to him, he feels like he's being held here. He asked me to run away with him...Oh how I would love to and make everything go away! The look on his face and the emotion I felt from him made everything else we've gone through so small. He's so tired of being poked and messed with.
There's no way to reason with him because at this point he still doesn't understand reasoning. I prayed with him and had him tell God whatever he was feeling, but that lasted a minute and we were right back to the beginning. He had scared the nurse so she had the nursing assistant step in, but he got just as mad at her. He said he never wanted them to touch him again.
Part of this I know is from him being really tired and he's over stimulated. I also know that this is an expected step in his recovery and something very normal. Wasn't it last week we were going through this? It has just gotten worse. I thought since he'd been fine the last week, that we had gotten past the rough stuff. Nope. Even with knowing all about what's going on and not to take anything he's saying personally, it doesn't make it easy for me-it's so hard.
I had finally gotten him to calm down for a couple minutes and what came to mind was Psalm 23. I'm not going to fear this valley. The Lord is with me! I felt like I needed someone, someone to help me, but there was no one around...until I reminded myself that I'm never alone. God is with Cale and myself every step of the way. Not too long after, Cale got really upset again. It lasted until about 3pm and at that point, I wrapped my arm around him and we fell asleep. When we woke up an hour later, I had pillow lines pressed on the side of my face, and Cale had a smile. The rest of the evening was still rough and I'm emotionally drained, but we had another really good prayer time. Cale is questioning a lot and in those moments, me saying that people are praying for him and that God is with him,seems to only make him more frustrated because he can't see it.
Tonight as I fall asleep, I'm thanking God that my husband has emotion. That he's at a point that he can experience anger and frustration. Praise God that he's not laying in bed anymore not able to express anything! I got sweet and spicy today!
On top of it all...I accidentally knocked a whole cup of water into my shoe. Ha.
I still have not been able to show him all the comments because I don't have internet in the main hospital like I thought I was going to have. I haven't had any time to try to print some off, so, that will come hopefully this week!
I'm thanking everybody in advance for praying. You are all amazing and have blessed us so much.