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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Back Home (or at least what feels like home!)!

You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done. Psalm 92:4

My alarm went off at 4am and almost instantly I had worked myself into a frenzy. I had decided that Cale needed to be back on 7D, and I was going to make it the mission of my day. During my shower, I realized what I had done, and started to pray that God would help my flesh to simmer down, and that I would be led by the Spirit. There is a balance between needing to fight for what's best for Cale with my flesh, and allowing the Lord to lead the way for what's best for Cale's needs. My walk over was refreshing and I felt as though I was ready for the day. There was a little incident that made the day a rocky start. I knew that I needed to talk to the doctors because the room we were in, just wasn't working for Cale. When I walked to his side of the bed, and he opened his eyes, he smiled, and then the first words out of his mouth was, "this place sucks!" :(

On my walk over, I had prayed that wherever Cale needed to be, that God would pave the way. He has been so faithful to go before me and this was another time I trusted He would. Cale was upset again all morning, but was able to sleep for a little while as I laid next to him. Pretty soon it was time for breakfast and time to get things started for the day. The ENT Residents came, instead of the unit doctor like I had thought, which was perfect because they were the ones that I really needed to talk to! I didn't have to mess with going through anyone else like I had thought was going to happen. Then when I asked about what the plan was for Cale, they said if his labs came through and everything was good, we'd be able to go back to 7D today! Yay! All I could say was, "Thank you Father!" Not too long after, the nurse came and said that there was an order for us to go back. So awesome! He paved the way! I didn't have to fight, I didn't have to be worked up, and I didn't have to make a fuss about it! God went before me (again!) and paved the way in His perfect timing.

This was us right after the nurse said we were getting out of there!

Cale was so excited to leave that room! I was describing his room on 7D and he had the biggest smile! Some of the therapists had come to say hi before we had found out we were going back today, and Cale's face lit up! He loved seeing them! This seemed good to me that he was so excited to get back!

When we walked in his room, we had a special message on his white board waiting for us!

It felt so good to be back! Even though it's still a hospital, it feels like home. I know he loved getting to see every one's faces, but so did I! The staff have become such an important (and very special!) part of our journey! It's going to be so hard to say good bye when we leave for good!

One of the staff walked in and said to Cale, "You're back in your room with your pretty view!" Cale pointed to me and said, "She's my pretty view!" Oh my goodness. He melts my heart and turns it into Fondue!

At that point in the day, all was seeming to be happy and a piece of cake. Cale was smiling, we were back, and things were going to get normal again.

But, it didn't last too long. I think Cale realized that this still isn't home. He's angry and miserable and he's doing a great job with not bottling it up. I know that this isn't going to last, and there will be an ending, but it's so hard. I also know that it's not at me and that he's not trying to be mean to me, but I can't turn my emotions off.

I have been so blessed with the man that I married. Cale and I started dating May 2004 and the whole time that we've been together, he has never raised his voice at me-not once. I've never seen him angry! I know that he gets angry and has had some pretty hard days at work, but when he walked in the door at home, he had already let it go. Many times at night when we would talk about our days, he would tell me about how frustrating work was or something that happened that had made him so mad. I asked him once why he hadn't told me earlier. He had said that he didn't want to bring his anger from work home with him. He made sure before he opened the door that it was gone. This is a whole new emotion that I'm having to learn with him, except that it's very different then it would have been! This time, he doesn't realize. He knows that he's angry and mad. He knows that he doesn't want to be at the hospital anymore!

As I helped get him showered tonight, tears found a quick stream down my cheeks. I love this man so much and I know he's hurting. I hate that there's nothing I can do to make it all better for him. His frustration is taken out on me because I'm the only one there, but I'm also the only one that can calm him down. His emotions change so quickly, but for me it still hurts...

Dr. Howe will be seeing him tomorrow and I'll be talking with Dr. McKenna. It's a new day and hopefully both of us will get good rest! We're both so tired and emotionally exhausted. Tonight I had him pray again and reminded him to tell God exactly how he was feeling. Cale prayed, "Dear God, I'm mad at the world. Not Kathleen, she's good, but the world, yeah, I'm mad at all of them." Poor guy.

I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are discouraged take heart. Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness; let us exalt his name together. I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Psalm 34:1-4


  1. Kathleen, I found your blog on Sunday through another blog I stumbled upon. I have read quite a few posts from the very beginning of this journey you have been on the past year. You and Cale both are such extraordinary people that the rest of us truly need to learn a lesson from. Thank you for opening your lives to us. Your dedication and undying love is one of the more remarkable things I've seen. I greatly look forward to reading your updates on Cale's progress.

    Candace Arnold

  2. Praise God for delivering Cale back to his "home"! What an amazing answer to your prayers, as you catch yourself in your worldliness and then God immediately answers the true prayers... Even though this answer won't solve Cale's frustrations, hopefully it will help that he is in a quieter, friendlier, less invasive, and less negatively-stimulated environment.
    Because Cale doesn't fully understand the steps that are needed and the processes to work through, my prayer is that he will trust in the Lord and your wisdom through this. I pray the peace surrounds Cale and he can relax again!
    Here's to praying that you get to the next step (closer to home) soon!!!


  3. My Dear Kathleen, My heart is full for you. I love you and am grateful for you in my life. I continue to trust Father for you and KNOW He has you in the palm of His hand. He loves you and Cale as if you were the only ones. :) Marion

  4. Hi Kathleen,

    I cried during this post...which I do quite often when I read these....this one hit me hard though, b/c I know EVERYTHING you are saying and have felt and am still feeling some of the same hurt you are. I am praying so hard for you during this "frustration" stage that Cale is in....Coming through it with Graham, it was just awful. He told me he wanted a divorce, that I shouldn't have married him and said some really hurtful things on top of being mad, sad, happy and quiet all within minutes of each other. It would drain me so much, I'm STILL healing from it all. You have been on your journey much longer than I have with Graham, and have a much harder road to travel than I do. Graham is home with me and things are getting better and better each week. Please try to be encouraged though, that this is actually a REALLY good sign that he is so upset. I know you know this, and I know you are trusting God, but it's so different when he does something, or hits, or pulls at stuff, etc....etc....

    If you ever have any questions, or just want to talk I would love to...this will be one of the hardest stages that he goes through, he won't remember it either, but you will and that's what makes it SO hard. Don't be afraid to let others share your hurt, b/c Cale won't be able to comfort you yet and feel all the things you are.

    One thing I am realizing lately is how different Graham's road is from my own. Even though we're in this together, the trauma I've been through is completely different from his own. He's so hard on himself, gets frustrated still at his physical limitations, he can't see well, etc etc ... and my own hurt is not so much physical, but emotional and just the stress from it all.

    Please know you are prayed for and loved here! So many are praying for you. Take one moment at a time! Take one fit he throws at a time, one comment, or frustration at one time only. Know that if you are too tired to pray THAT IS OK! We are holding you up! Take heart in that! Jesus knows your heart!

    Randi 518-586-1885 (just in case:0)

  5. The emotional battles are so much harder than the physical ones. Praying that this stage in the healing process passes quickly. Praying for both of you to find peace and rest. Praying that you feel Yeshua's loving arms around you both.
    ~ Heather

  6. Kathleen & Cale, tomorrow is a new day and HIS mercies are new EVERYMORNING! Hang in there.

    Love, the Hoppels


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