Super tired tonight!
It's been a long and busy day. Mama and Janis (her best friend), are flying here to get the Honda in a couple days, which means that I have to get all of our stuff packed now! Yikes! Since the Honda has been in the shop, I kind of had it in my head that I couldn't start packing until it was back. Last night it was dropped off to me, so...I've been busy!
I loaded all of Cale's room into the car today. It's so sad! His room is so empty now-no more prayer chain or pictures! I left the verses on the walls for now. :) I worked in my room a tiny bit, but tomorrow is the day that I have to buckle down and get busy!
The social worker worked out getting me a rental, because we won't have our car here. Since I'm packing it up, he set everything up for me to pick it up today. When I first got there, the guy pointed to a red car he had in the lot. I thought it was a terrible car, but it's free so I wasn't going to argue! I think maybe he caught what I was thinking (I've always been told I'm horrible at hiding my feelings!), so he added, " I also have a pick up if you'd rather take that." I don't think he was expecting me to jump on that idea! Haha! Of course I'll take a pick up! The other guy took the key and left to get it. When it pulled up in front, I think my eyes were beaming! Oh yeeeaah! It's a very huge Dodge and I feel like a monster driving it! Heehee! Here I come road! :) I know it's not going to be fun when I have to put gas in it, but I figured that I don't drive a ton, and it'll be a blast for a bit!
This morning before the day started, I was cuddled up next to Cale enjoying just getting to be with him. Sometimes things get so busy during the day, that I forget about how much of a blessing it is to just "be" with Cale. Every moment is amazing. I had the song, Love Me by JJ Heller stuck in my head. I was singing the words "Who will love me for me?", and then Cale grabbed me and said, "Me! Cale! I will!" It was so sweet! I'm so very blessed that I have a husband who I know, with out a doubt, will always love me for who I really am!
We also spent some time talking about what things he should spend the next two weeks working on. His list was: walking, talking, reading, listening, and then writing. I was hoping that if he had a hard time during the day, that this might help for me to remind him, but of course...that darn memory. It's so crazy to me when I watch Cale in those moments of anger. There is no reasoning, or understanding from him. It's like, everything switches and a furious tornado passes through. Today he grabbed my arm really hard. I even let him know it hurt, but in that moment it didn't matter to him. Again, I know it's not that he's meaning to hurt me, but I also have to make sure it doesn't continue and get worse. This is the first time that he didn't just stop. I talked with him about it later, and the look on his face when I said he hurt me, broke my heart into a million pieces. I thought he was going to start crying! Poor guy. He had no idea, and his reaction confirms that he really doesn't want to act like that. This whole brain healing and going through this phase...well, it's tough! He's going to make it through though. I know it!
When we prayed together, he prayed first. I have no idea what he said at the beginning, and of course I don't want to interrupt, "Uh, excuse me? Could you please talk big and slow? Thanks!" haha! God knows what he's saying! He paused for a little while, I thought he was done and was about to start praying, but then he started again, "And God, please take the pain away. All of it. And give it to someone else." Uh...did he just pray that?! Oh goodness. First, my man is hurting. He's in pain and doesn't know how to express it. Also, uh...I'm sure that he's not really wanting for someone else to hurt, but, I wouldn't make him angry if I were you! ;)
When I'm in the middle of these times with Cale being so sad and angry, I think, will it ever end? I know that it will and I know that this is a season he's going through, but in my little world, it's hard to see anything more than what he's going through right now. To be honest, even with his speech, his walking, his control over muscles...and so on, it's hard for me to think at points that it will ever be different. Horrible? Maybe. But, it's real. It's what my heart has to weed through every day. Of course, I hope for more, but with everything that has happened, what will more look like? I know when you read the blog, you're able to be separate and look in from the outside, so it may seem so much easier to say, "Look how far he's come! Of course he's going to keep getting better!" For me, I see Cale go through the emotions of everyday, I see all the times he struggles, or gets tired.
I constantly have to fight against the thought that because we're leaving here, the fight is over. Thankfully, God is for us and not against us, and is ready and willing to take those thoughts captive. I have to press into Him and claim that He is the Healer! Things have been going up for a while now, and they're just going to keep going! Yeh! It's exciting!
When thoughts try to weasel their way in, I can go to the Word and begin to refocus my vision on Christ alone. Nothing is impossible for Him and His ways are above and beyond anything we can wrap our minds around! Hallelujah! We serve a God that is outside of the little box that we try to make Him fit in- and yet, He loves us so.
“For with God nothing will be impossible.” (Luke 1:37)
But He said, “The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” (Luke 18:27)
“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” (Ephesians 3:20)