Monday, March 14, 2011
I will rejoice.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells. -Psalm 46:4
When in the depths, my soul longs to be free; it longs to see the light. I know it’s there, I can see the glimpse of the shining ray, but darkness always covers and consumes. When will be free again? When will there be restoration? My soul hopes; my soul hopes in the Lord.
In April 2006, just 2 months after Cale had deployed the first time, he came home for a 2 week R&R. The Wednesday night that he was home, we went to church together and enjoyed worshiping. That night, our friends Tony and Hannah led worship and sang, There is a River. The chorus of that song is so simple, but that night that I sang it, I was brought to my knees and let tears out that had been bottled up for too long.
I will rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad! I will rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad!
In that moment, I was crying for the weeks leading up to deployment, the 2 months that he had already been gone, and the next year that we would be separated. My heart could hardly stand it, but I knew that even then, I would rejoice.
On our drive home that night, I talked with Cale about everything that was pressing on my heart and that I wanted to rejoice in the Lord even when I had to take him back to the airport and say good bye…again. I wanted to rejoice because God was still God and He loved us. He knew when we would be back together, He knew the plans He had for us, and He knew all that He was going to do through us while Cale was gone. We just couldn’t see it. I remember Cale looking at me and saying, “Let’s rejoice then.”
I had to be reminded of this memory today as I found myself once again surrounded by the walls that were closing in.
I wasn’t feeling good yesterday, and I was awake all night with a runny nose, so I know that’s part of the problem with my wacky exhausted emotions, but, I’ve also been constantly watching Cale today, aching for all that he has lost.
I started packing today preparing for our big trip, the whole time trying to cheer Cale up. He’s been miserable and grumpy, just wanting to go home. I feel like a balloon that has just been untied at the bottom and all the air is coming out. We aren’t the most cheerful couple today…
I called Mama earlier this afternoon, starting with a whining mumble, I said, “I just want to complain.” She always handles it by letting me do- just that. Complain. At that moment I was feeling tired and worn out, then as the day progressed, I started feeling so terrible for Cale. Once again searching for the rewind button and being reminded there’s no way to go back. There’s no way to change how things happened that day. There’s no way to hold him one more time and pause time.
During the deployments and all the other times he was gone, I hated it, but I always knew it was going to end and he would be back with me again. This time, there is no end date. I miss him.
It means so much that on these hard days, I know that I can sit here with my laptop and get everything out and in the open. I don’t have to keep it bundled inside of me. I started praying and it started out something like this, “Father God, I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.” After getting some frustration out, I was able to rejoice. I rejoice in all that the Lord has done, is doing, and is still going to do. I rejoice in today. I rejoice in knowing that Cale is physically still here with me and that, in itself, has a melody of hope and sweetness that my ears can’t get enough of!
The smile today came from Leo. Cale walked him with a little bit of help. Leo was a big bulldog and wasn’t quite sure of how he felt with being walked by Cale. He pulled some, but for the most part it went smoothly. Later Cale said that he didn’t like it because it wasn’t Basil. The smile he had the whole walk said something different, but I’m not arguing. ;)
Please continue to pray for Cale’s mood and adjustment to going home. I talked with his psych about Depression meds again. Please pray for wisdom for me to know which way to go with that. Pray that he won’t even need them! Pray that as Cale becomes more aware, that he will continue to work harder. Right now his idea of home is that everything will be perfect and better. Today he was asked again, what was one of the first things he was going to do at home and he said, play hockey and ice skate. Just thinking about going home and him realizing things are still hard, breaks my heart.
Rivers help in sustaining life. God is our river and He never dries up. He’s full of grace and He heals us. He heals our brokenness. He is refreshing! He sustains us!
Posted by Kathleen at 7:27 PM