Yes, you’re reading right…this is my second blog post of the day! I have to write when the thoughts come though, so here goes…
Being home has been great. It’s been amazing! At the same time, it’s been hard. It’s hard being here and not being able to do anything! I am with Cale 24/7 and as much as I love him…that’s a lot of time together. During that time, I’m the loving wife; I’m the therapist trying to get him to do things during the day that he doesn’t want to do, and I’m the nurse that fights with him to take his medication. I’m the person that is cleaning the house and doing the laundry; I’m the person who is trying to come up with meal ideas daily that Cale will actually eat, and I’m the entertainment in whatever way I can be. I’m the encourager when Cale is struggling. I’m the Psych who talks with Cale and works out his feelings when he doesn’t understand what’s going on. I’m the spiritual leader who reminds Cale constantly that of scripture and how much the Lord loves us. I’m the person dealing with all the finances and all the Army/VA stuff.
I’m not trying to complain, just to show (process for myself), that I wear so many hats in one day! I have to do it all. Our friends and family have jobs and other commitments and there’s not someone else to just be there to help with Cale.
I made the choice. I made the choice to bring Cale home, even though I knew he was going to need 24/7 care and not be able to be left alone. I knew it was going to be a lot of work and I knew it would be a full task.
When there is someone willing to sit with Cale, I have to make the choice to get stuff done that actually needs to be done, or relax. Mama and I got out for about an hour today, and even then, it wasn’t the girl stuff that I was hoping-we took care of things that needed to be done.
Again, I know I made the choice.
I realized I had been feeling frustrated without knowing it when I found out about Seattle. There were thoughts in my heart that I didn’t recognize until this morning and as soon as I did, I confessed to Jesus what had been going on in my heart.
I was thinking that everyone can say it’s ok that we have to go back to Seattle because it’s only a short time, but no one else has to do it. It’s me. It’s me that’s going to have to leave home and go back to the hospital. It’s me that’s going to have to take care of Cale every day after a radiation treatment makes him feel awful. It’s me that’s going to be alone and missing everyone…again. It’s me that’s going to be with him in a hotel room every day, wishing for something different. It’s me putting everything on hold again. It’s me trying to be upbeat for him, so that he will be lifted up.
With all of that coming out as I spoke the words, I knew immediately what was happening. I’m typing now, and at the same time speaking against discouragement. I’m speaking against lies of the enemy. I’m speaking against failure and loneliness. I’m speaking against anything wiggling its way into the sweet precious love that Cale and I share. I’m speaking against despair. I’m speaking against all of these things in Jesus name!
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
Thank you for letting me pour this out. I guess I don’t give much of an option when I post it, because then it’s there out in the open, but I needed to get it out! I’ve been so honest on here this whole journey, so I can’t stop now!
I hope that you do not take this post wrong. Just know that I feel so much peace and joy now, that was being smothered with a heart issue. Thank you again for being a part of this journey we’re on and for all of your faithful prayers and encouragement! Love you all!!
Now that it’s all out, I’m going to enjoy the rest of the evening with my super wonderful husband. :) We played Crazy 8’s for a while this afternoon, and we’re about to jump back into the game! We might even have some ice cream along with it!!! Mmm!
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies -Psalm 36:5
How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings -Psalm 36:7
Within your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love -Psalm 48:9
But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever -Psalm 52:8
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness -Psalm 86:15
Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever -Psalm 136:26
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" -Jeremiah 29:11
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" -Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" -Zephaniah 3:17