Thursday, April 14, 2011

Here are all my thoughts...just warning you. ;)

Yes, you’re reading right…this is my second blog post of the day! I have to write when the thoughts come though, so here goes…

Being home has been great. It’s been amazing! At the same time, it’s been hard. It’s hard being here and not being able to do anything! I am with Cale 24/7 and as much as I love him…that’s a lot of time together. During that time, I’m the loving wife; I’m the therapist trying to get him to do things during the day that he doesn’t want to do, and I’m the nurse that fights with him to take his medication. I’m the person that is cleaning the house and doing the laundry; I’m the person who is trying to come up with meal ideas daily that Cale will actually eat, and I’m the entertainment in whatever way I can be. I’m the encourager when Cale is struggling. I’m the Psych who talks with Cale and works out his feelings when he doesn’t understand what’s going on. I’m the spiritual leader who reminds Cale constantly that of scripture and how much the Lord loves us. I’m the person dealing with all the finances and all the Army/VA stuff.

I’m not trying to complain, just to show (process for myself), that I wear so many hats in one day! I have to do it all. Our friends and family have jobs and other commitments and there’s not someone else to just be there to help with Cale.

I made the choice. I made the choice to bring Cale home, even though I knew he was going to need 24/7 care and not be able to be left alone. I knew it was going to be a lot of work and I knew it would be a full task.

When there is someone willing to sit with Cale, I have to make the choice to get stuff done that actually needs to be done, or relax. Mama and I got out for about an hour today, and even then, it wasn’t the girl stuff that I was hoping-we took care of things that needed to be done.

Again, I know I made the choice.

I realized I had been feeling frustrated without knowing it when I found out about Seattle. There were thoughts in my heart that I didn’t recognize until this morning and as soon as I did, I confessed to Jesus what had been going on in my heart.

I was thinking that everyone can say it’s ok that we have to go back to Seattle because it’s only a short time, but no one else has to do it. It’s me. It’s me that’s going to have to leave home and go back to the hospital. It’s me that’s going to have to take care of Cale every day after a radiation treatment makes him feel awful. It’s me that’s going to be alone and missing everyone…again. It’s me that’s going to be with him in a hotel room every day, wishing for something different. It’s me putting everything on hold again. It’s me trying to be upbeat for him, so that he will be lifted up.

It’s hard.

With all of that coming out as I spoke the words, I knew immediately what was happening. I’m typing now, and at the same time speaking against discouragement. I’m speaking against lies of the enemy. I’m speaking against failure and loneliness. I’m speaking against anything wiggling its way into the sweet precious love that Cale and I share. I’m speaking against despair. I’m speaking against all of these things in Jesus name!

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

Thank you for letting me pour this out. I guess I don’t give much of an option when I post it, because then it’s there out in the open, but I needed to get it out! I’ve been so honest on here this whole journey, so I can’t stop now!

I hope that you do not take this post wrong. Just know that I feel so much peace and joy now, that was being smothered with a heart issue. Thank you again for being a part of this journey we’re on and for all of your faithful prayers and encouragement! Love you all!!

Now that it’s all out, I’m going to enjoy the rest of the evening with my super wonderful husband. :) We played Crazy 8’s for a while this afternoon, and we’re about to jump back into the game! We might even have some ice cream along with it!!! Mmm!

Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies -Psalm 36:5

How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings -Psalm 36:7

Within your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love -Psalm 48:9

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever -Psalm 52:8

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness -Psalm 86:15

Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever -Psalm 136:26

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" -Jeremiah 29:11

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" -Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" -Zephaniah 3:17

9 comments:

  1. Kathy Beckett4/14/11, 8:05 PM

    Dear Kathleen, How I wish I could change the situation for Cale and you! Of course, if that were possible I'd be standing in a really long line of people attempting to make things better. I love you and am following the blog daily and praying for healing, wisdom, encouragement, strength, joy, rest, peace, girl time, Cale's contentment in your home, etc. Have a wonderful weekend!

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  2. Oh Kathleen I hear you and I feel so much for you, just because you chose to obey doesn't mean obeying is always easy( rarely is it) - there is a special joy that comes with it,that no one can steal, but it is a hard choice to put yourself on the alter day after day. What a beautiful sacrifice you have become, and the incense of your prayer is an auromatic fragrance for the Lord to breath in straight from your heart. Can't you just see Him leaning over the insence bowl and the fragrance lofting up to Him ...ahhhh how beautiful your life is ! You have become the dwelling place of the Most High and your walls are ever before HIM - He is in you - guiding you, teaching you, allowing you to cry and being there to hold you .... All that you do for Caleb you do through His strength, He is ever present always there in times of distress and suffering. You are not alone, and I believe he is even at this moment preparing someone to come and to lift up your hands (so to speak),because this battle is YOUR VICTORY. Caleb is the focus of your physical life - but girl you are fighting a spiritual battle that you have already won ( again Hannah's song - take courage my love you've already won - you've already won the battle - keeps popping in my mind!) I don't think you are complaining - Not one bit when faced with the Cross even Jesus prayed " Father take this cup from me , but not my will, yours be done." Why do we think we must run to embrace the pains of our personal death.... It is okay to know we are laying down our lives, we are dying - and to recoginze that it isn't our will but HIS that we want.I think it is okay to acknowledge this is hard, brutally hard stuff. Girl I look at you and I am so proud of who you are in Him, you have been honest about your hopes, your dreams, your faults and fears - You put it all out there and you are still STANDING - now when you have done all that you know to do Stand. Hold fast to the promises he has given to you ! You are walking out that verse: "For ME to to live is CHRIST and to die is Gain" - I see it here on your blog daily , I see it in your smile as you cherish your husband and friend, I see it as you consistently choose His Will over your own idea of what this should all look like . I love the example you are to many a young girl reading this blog and all us old girls too!!!!! :) love you ! Reenie

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  3. The Bensons4/14/11, 8:18 PM

    Yes what Reenie said ....what an example...I don't know the purpose but may His grace be enough to sustain you. For His glory. I often think to myself I cannot do this one more minute Kathleen and then I find myself just drawn here and then I read how much you have endured and I know His grace is sufficient enough for me...Praying it is enough for one more day, week , month year for you my darling..
    We love you..
    Charlie and Jean

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  4. Kathleen! I love you and love you and love you!! Yes, my situation is NOTHING like what Father has given you, but I HAVE had times when I've just wanted to go home...uh, yesterday Lord. I (not you) have whined and complained. I even told Father I didn't think He was going to change my situation, and if He wanted me to change my attitude, He was going to have to do it, because I didn't care if He did or not. You know what, He took it with a smile, gave me the peace that passes all understanding, and wasn't the slightest bit put-out that I told Him what I thought. I guess what I'm trying to tell you, let Father know exactly what you are thinking, He loves an honest, open heart. I am asking Father give you a SPECIAL touch of Himself when you are doing what's before you. I love, BUT Father loves youMORE!!! Hugs, Marion I think you are right, it's easy to say a few weeks isn't bad, when one isn't doing the ins and outs of a thing. Another thought, Yes the weeks are short, BUT the DAYS ARE LONG.

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  5. Kathleen,
    It is okay to put your feelings and thoughts into words for us to read. This helps us know how to pray for you and Cale. You are a very strong woman and God will continue to walk with you through this journey.

    Please continue to post your feelings and do not bottle them up inside. It is a way for you to release so you can continue to be the loving wife you are to Your husband.

    Thanks for keeping us posted!!! Have Super Day and A Great Weekend!

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  6. Just wanted to tell you I love you and will be praying specifically for you.

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  7. Thank you for your honest feelings Kathleen...I know you are so busy changing hats that you do not have time to breath deeply at times...you have to press on...the LORD will lead your path for you...one day at a time. Trust his faithfulness as you have been doing. We all admire your strength so much... What helps me focus when I am frazzeled, is to try to live in the ordinary everyday moments that others take for granted...when I hear Dennis come through the door after working all day...he hangs up his keys...then I hear the coffee kettle filling up and I know he is home to stay. Those little things mean the world to my days...
    You are both constantly in my thoughts and prayers...

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  8. Kathleen,
    I certainly don't know what you are going through, but I have have a *inkling* of how you feel with wearing all kinds of hats. I will pray for stamina for you, and that God will provide rest for you when you need it. I love Isaiah 41:10 that says *...I will uphold you with my righteous right hand..." When I am weary, I like to think of God's hand holding me up, literally. We are still following the updates and love hearing of the new things Cale can do.
    Much love,
    Christina

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  9. I love you Kathleen. I will continue to pray for you. It is ok to be honest. It is good for you to be honest with yourself and to share your emotions. Everyone feels your frustration.


    Mandy Anderson

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