Saturday, May 7, 2011
a real live battle.
But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:57
It seems a little weird when I say, “I miss Cale” now. He’s so much here, just different. Tonight seems to be one of these nights when that’s full reign in my thoughts. It sometimes gets to a point that I feel like I’m grasping for any way to get a touch of him before the accident. I listen to his voicemail, I search for emails, look at pictures…anything that gives me just a sweet taste of who he was before.
At the same time, it’s so weird to me because Cale is sleeping with his head on my arm-
But it’s not the same…
…and I’m reminded of that so often. There’s still a burning ache in my gut that misses him so much that sometimes I think it’s going to take my breath away.
Death is the time that comes when suddenly, there is no leftover…the person is no longer there to talk to, laugh with, cuddle with, or dream with. I am blessed with all these things, yet, I’m not satisfied in my heart.
I’m not sure that the wound I have from all of this will ever completely heal this side of heaven-and that’s ok. I can soak in and devour scripture that is not just words on a page, rather described as being alive and active-sharper than any double-edged sword! Praise God!
I can mourn for the loss that has happened, but daily I need to strive to continually be investing and loving so deep, the man that God has so graciously blessed me with today.
I sing songs of praise to God for all of the many moments that scream so loudly the Lord’s goodness and provision in our life. As the Creator of the universe knit me together, he breathed into my heart desires and dreams. Those were not crushed and trampled on the day of the accident. They are woven into my heart strings!
As every day comes to a close and the night washes over the sky, I can be so thankful for another day of miracles and look into my husband’s eyes and know that the desires and dreams God gave, are being slowly gift wrapped for me to open.
My heart some days is so torn between being content and thankful for Cale and for missing him and longing to have him back…
And the Lord says to that,
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Posted by Kathleen at 11:27 PM