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Saturday, May 7, 2011

a real live battle.

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:57

It seems a little weird when I say, “I miss Cale” now. He’s so much here, just different. Tonight seems to be one of these nights when that’s full reign in my thoughts. It sometimes gets to a point that I feel like I’m grasping for any way to get a touch of him before the accident. I listen to his voicemail, I search for emails, look at pictures…anything that gives me just a sweet taste of who he was before.

At the same time, it’s so weird to me because Cale is sleeping with his head on my arm-

But it’s not the same…

…and I’m reminded of that so often. There’s still a burning ache in my gut that misses him so much that sometimes I think it’s going to take my breath away.

Death is the time that comes when suddenly, there is no leftover…the person is no longer there to talk to, laugh with, cuddle with, or dream with. I am blessed with all these things, yet, I’m not satisfied in my heart.

I’m not sure that the wound I have from all of this will ever completely heal this side of heaven-and that’s ok. I can soak in and devour scripture that is not just words on a page, rather described as being alive and active-sharper than any double-edged sword! Praise God!

I can mourn for the loss that has happened, but daily I need to strive to continually be investing and loving so deep, the man that God has so graciously blessed me with today.

I sing songs of praise to God for all of the many moments that scream so loudly the Lord’s goodness and provision in our life. As the Creator of the universe knit me together, he breathed into my heart desires and dreams. Those were not crushed and trampled on the day of the accident. They are woven into my heart strings!

As every day comes to a close and the night washes over the sky, I can be so thankful for another day of miracles and look into my husband’s eyes and know that the desires and dreams God gave, are being slowly gift wrapped for me to open.

My heart some days is so torn between being content and thankful for Cale and for missing him and longing to have him back…

And the Lord says to that,

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30


  1. Kathy Beckett5/8/11, 4:27 AM

    Kathleen, Certainly God knows your heart - your thoughts, fears, desires, etc. Thank you for being willing to share with us so that we may join in your conversations with Him. Praying for you to continue to see God's healing in Cale's mind & body and to experience God's healing in your heart as you cling to Him and His Word. Love to you both! (Praying, also, for the radiation treatment to come.)

  2. My Sweet Kathleen, I can't stress enough, you are right where Father wants you. That means all your thoughts, emotions, and feelings. You are committed to Father and he IS guiding you in all things. I can't imagine how you feel. Father KNOWS exactly how you feel. As you know, He's right there with you in it all. I don't know what He has for yu this side of heaven, BUT I DO KNOW you will be amazed at what He has for you in your mansion. (I've heard He's crackerjack at decorating!!) You are Father's delight, Marion

  3. I posted earlier but it didn't take it :( - Was reminded of Pslams 23 " He restores my soul, and guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." I think that as you walk this out God is going to restore you in more ways than you can even imagine~ AND Caleb as well.... As Marion pointed out He is guiding you in ALL things - onto and through paths of righteousness! Why because it brings Good things to you and Glory to HIM !!!!! I am praying for you girl - believing for total restoration !!!!! What an amazing God we serve!!! It pleases him to do great and awesome deeds on our behalf - and I think that it makes him Smile when he sees his children excited by his awesome acts - things that were done just for us!!! I had Caleb's name in my Bible - from way back when we were praying for him in the service and this is the verse that his name was above Psalms 71:7 " I have become like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge, my mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long." ~ Your lives declare the slendor of the Lord!!!! Hope you are having a great day - love ya ((()))) Reenie

  4. PS Portent means - an indication of something about to happen - to that I say Amen and Amen !!!!!!!!

  5. PSS or Amazing Marvel - I'm thinking both appy here !!!

  6. I can relate so much with that feeling. There are days that I also look for things of the past and I mourn and grief. Those days are sorrowful and I even feel I am selfish because he is here but just absent from who he was. Kathleen I know how it feels and you couldn't describe it better. I also feel an overwhelming strength that God gives me and that is how I get through all. With warm wishes!!!


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