In church today we sang Healer by Kari Jobe. Oh man. I thought even with the hard morning that it was, that I had it together enough to get through service. Not quite the case. Tears have been coming a lot more frequent the last couple weeks as we’ve entered into this new stage and it seems to take a lot more perseverance to keep my eyes on Jesus then on myself.
The tears came and fell and wouldn’t stop! I had Mama’s shoulder to cry on and is there any shoulder better than a mothers?
I’ve posted the song before and have talked about the couple times that it has been sung over Cale. When the music started, I was already on my way to another world. I began to sing, “You hold my every moment…you calm my raging sea…” God is God and He knew before I walked into church this morning that in the deepest parts of my being, there was a raging sea…
Tears. Lots of tears. As they found their way down my cheeks and matted my hair to my face, all I could do was listen to the words and let them take hold of my brokenness. I trust Him. I may not understand or like it, but I trust Him. He’s my healer. He’s not just Cale’s physical healer (which every time that I’ve sung that song, that’s what I’ve claimed those words for), He’s also the healer of my heart. And even with the hurt, pain, frustration, confusion, anger, and doubt, He IS my portion. He IS enough for me.
It’s so easy to get lost and wrapped up in the moments, the everyday moments that don’t go the way we plan and forget about the One who is writing our story. Nothing is impossible for Him. It’s so easy to quickly read and say, but not so easy to believe. Do I believe? I always immediately think of Cale’s full recovery not being impossible for Him, which is correct, it’s not. It’s also not impossible for me to live a joyful life no matter the circumstance and situation because of the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me!
I just got all jazzed up! Haha!
It was just one of those days…even as I walked out of the church building; tears were still rolling down my cheeks.
Right off the bat this morning Cale made me laugh so hard! I was sitting on the couch when he woke up and came out to the living room. We talked for a minute and then it was time to get showered and ready for church. I sat on the edge of the couch and asked Cale to carry me in a whiny voice. He said no and then I proceeded to really whine and beg. There was even a “Waaaaah!” Cale, not being affected in the slightest, turns around and says, “Anyways…” and then walked away! He left me there! Haha! It was hilarious!
Love is a choice you make moment by moment -BA
Love can make you do things that you never thought possible. –Phil Collins