Sorry I’ve been MIA in the whole blog scene lately. With traveling to NY, still trying to get caught up around here, saying yes to taking over the showers part of the women’s ministry at church, and the normal business with Cale, I’ve been busy! I’ve also been giving Cale my full attention at night (that could sound a bit…um…that’s not what I meant!) and by the time he’s ready for sleep…so am I! I also have a ton that I’ve wanted to share, but then the thoughts pile up and well, giving a broad overview of what we’ve been up to is the easier route! :)
The last that I had really written on here was while I was struggling. Goodness, I know during those moments that it will pass, but actually being able to grasp that reality can be a whole different story. First, thank you for praying me through it. I know there were lots of prayers because I felt them! Thank you for all the encouragement that you passed my way and for those of you that posted on your blogs asking for your followers to pray for us…thank you. I know I don’t know each of you personally, but I feel like I do. I feel like some of you are the dearest friends…and a sweet part of what’s come out of this journey we’ve been on for almost two years.
Before I get started, if you have sent me an email, letter, card, Facebook message, left a voice mail, or a text since February 10, 2010 and have not heard back from me, I am honestly deeply sorry. At first it was impossible. The emails and messages stacked up, but there was no way to even touch the mound. As things begin to slow a bit and I had time sitting in a hospital room, I made the best attempt at making a dent, and slowly since then I respond when I can. If I don’t get the chance to respond right when I read it, even if it’s a quick reply, it gets lost in the pile. I don’t mean for it to be that way and I am truly thankful for each time that you’ve reached out to me. It’s been a rich blessing and sweet treat through the months. I can’t fully explain the way all of your notes have lifted me up and strengthened me. I know that all of you (or at least I hope!) understand that I don’t write or call back, but I don’t want to let it go unsaid that I’m thankful for you…each of you.
Now to update….
For the most part since I’ve been home from NY, I’ve seen a dramatic change in Cale’s attitude and mood. I might just have to say that me away was a good thing for him! There are still his outbursts and normal tantrums, but the constant negative and anger seems to have settled and I am praising God He saw us through it! Yikes!
It’s not all sunshine and birds chirping, but we’re loving each other the best that we can and know how. Isn’t that about how it goes, TBI or not? I keep praying that I would love Him like the Lord does and that I would see Him through God’s eyes…
I always think about how before brain injury, Cale and I had something so extraordinary that many people never get a chance to even see. With brain injury, I can still say that! We still have a love that is precious and powerful that again, there are so many in this world that will never get to have let alone witness. Movies try to copy and mimic this kind of love between characters, yet, will never be able to match its depths. Yesterday I was once again reminded of the love I see in my husband’s eyes when he looks at me- amazing. Not every woman gets to experience this kind of heart pumping joy that comes from having a man, her husband; look at her in this way.
He even loves me with all of my craziness! ;)
Yes, days get hard sometimes, but the Lord has designed and created something that is so far from being a part of this world, my eyes have nowhere to turn except to Him.
Cale did great through both trials of being home alone. When I came home on Tuesday, he was really upset I thought I was going to see steam coming out of his ears! It was only at his Xbox game, but to him it was a serious moment. I thought of a couple “what if’s” that I wanted to talk with his therapist about, and I’m not sure what the next step is, but I’m on board. I have noticed every time we get back from a trip or from something that has been a push for Cale to do, that he’s changed…that’s what I’m praying comes through this. I asked him Tuesday afternoon how it was being home by himself and if he was scared. He didn’t remember that he had been, but he said if he was he would do fine. It’s gonna be ok, right?! ;)
A couple funny stories from the last couple days…
Cale was watching the Wing’s play the other night. They weren’t doing so great and as the game kept going, his anger kept rising. By the time the game was over and we had lost, Cale was mad! This time I think there really was steam coming out of his ears! He stomped back to the bedroom and I heard him slamming his cane. I just let him be for a bit. After a while had gone by, I went to check on him. “I’m mad. Really mad.” He said with his arms crossed over his chest. He was lying on the bed with a grimace expression. When I talked with him about why he was upset, he said that I had been mean to him. This came from the lack of sympathy after the game. The great part is that he was really holding onto the emotional side of the situation and it was sticking! I talked with him about how I love him and wouldn’t intentionally be mean to him. I let him know that I was sorry about the game and for how I made him feel. His response was, “Good to know.” Haha! Uh…love you too babe!
I’ve been really trying to include him in decisions that have to be made or things that are on my heart. He may not always get it or understand, but I know it must feel good for him to at least have an input on whatever he does process. Yesterday I came to him with something I had been thinking really strongly about and after explaining it to him and asked what he thought all he said was, “Uh, I have to pee really bad.” Haha!!! Oh man! I couldn’t hold back the laughter even if I would have tried! It was such a serious moment. He had more important things on his mind…
We were talking about a friend that we have that we weren’t able to see last week because she’s pregnant and dealing with the exciting pregnancy symptoms. Cale didn’t understand my first attempt at explaining why we didn’t see her, so I told him she was throwing up and that’s what happens sometimes with pregnancy. Cale looked at me worried and said, “Will I do that?” I reassured him that he won’t be pregnant…ever. Nope, it will be me enjoying the goodness of it! Heehee!
I was reading my Bible this morning and using my devotional. I don’t use it every morning, but when I do, it’s great. This morning I kind of took things in a different direction then I was expecting. I love how the Holy Spirit (when we’re allowing) leads us to a place that gets straight to heart issues. Wowza!
Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” God’s word which is alive and active says that God works for the good of those who love Him. This means it’s not a lie, but a real deal. What do we do with that? How do I explain this to someone hurting and going through a hard time? The struggles, problems, hardships, trials and whatever other name we want to give the things in our lives that we don’t tend to enjoy, can be used for good when we’re in a place to trust our sweet Jesus. If we don’t choose to trust, we’re not going to mentally or spiritually be able to see the “good” in whatever situation we’re in. If we are so focused on the situation and the pain it’ll become the very thing that leads us to the pit of sorrow and be a stumbling block to keep us from the very blessing that the Lord is so ready to saturate us with.
When we recognize our loss and place every thought and emotion at the feet of Jesus, it doesn’t mean that He will take it all away from us, but then we will be able to lavish in the gifts of being drawn into the presence of the Lord, be held by His mighty strength and be wrapped in His loving arms.
I believe to get to a place that we can genuinely understand this place during a trial; we need to be thankful for whatever it is that we’re facing. This desire to leave nothing in the way of being as close to the Lord as I can get, I begin to write each struggle I’ve been having lately. I wrote TBI as a whole, but also wrote the individual trials that come along with it. Once I recognized my list, I began to write next to each thing why I’m thankful and the blessing that it has been or what I hope for it to be…oh boy. Let me tell you, this was not easy for me! Partly because I didn’t want to admit how some of what I’ve had to walk through and sometimes literally be carried through has been a blessing.
Just as peace has been everywhere that I’m looking lately, the song Word of God Speak by Mercy Me has been on everywhere! It’s not like it’s a new song but it seems even places I wouldn’t expect it to be, it’s been playing! I took the time to really listen to the words wondering what I need to be hearing from it and was captivated by the opening line…
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is its okay
Lately in the mornings when I’m sitting with the Lord, I feel at a loss for words. Sometimes because I feel like there is so much He’s teaching me and so much information, and then sometimes it’s out of peer awe for who He is.
Sorry for the long post…it didn’t get done last night, so all was piled on tonight!
Yesterday we saw the first snow of the season! It didn’t stick and after just a short time turned into rain, but it was still fun to walk outside the store and see it! I’m not exactly ready for the little white flurries, but when it’s time, it’ll be time and I’ll be ok! :) Can you see it on his sweater?
This was from one night about a month ago while Mike and Rachel were over…attack!
Cale gave Basil this blanket the night I came home from NYC. Every night Basil sleeps like this and now he carries the blanket around the house…
Here’s Cale in PT last night working hard! It was a great session!