I was up and going at 5:30 this morning. I started off with getting the animals situated and then sat down with my Bible. As my fingers flipped through the pages, I sat in awe of the power that is so real and alive even in that moment. Even now as I’m typing I’m getting goose bumps! You know those movies that have a scene and the pages light up when opened? It was like that without the lights. That made me realize how busy I’ve gotten myself with buying, making, and thinking about Christmas gifts and all the other “stuff” that goes along with the holidays and have been missing out on the why of the day that all of this preparation is for. I know I’m not completely missing the reason, but letting everything fill up my time in the mornings the last week rather than enjoying the Lords presence is just about missing it.
My whole time this morning was so intimate with Jesus. It felt so much like He was right next to me in person, giving me His full attention. There were such sweet words spoken between me and Him. The Bible isn’t completely all lovey dovey sweet stuff, but it is there…and warms my heart to the core.
When I was finished I did a few more things and then hopped on the elliptical. I’ve been trying to exercise, but I’m not very consistent yet! Anyways, part way through with my focus on the show I was watching and the fact that the time seemed to be going slow, all these words filled my thoughts. It was so random and thoughts that I don’t ignore, but also don’t dwell on. The show had nothing to do with my swirling thoughts so I knew it must be from the Lord. I ended my time early so that I could start typing everything before forgetting. While I was typing I had tears streaming down my cheeks and knew that this wasn’t just “Kathleen.”
After typing it all up I prayed over it asking the Lord to use it however He saw fit and for whatever hearts that needed to hear my personal put-away-in-a-closet thoughts.
I don’t normally do this, but before you continue reading would you pray? Would you just take a moment and pray that the Lord would soften your heart and that you would be open to how He might be trying to speak to you through what was written? It may not be anything for you, but maybe even pray for someone else that will read it?
Sometimes my mind jumps on a motorcycle and takes a ride of its own. It heads for the hills and the scenery that is so much resembles a pretty picture on a calendar. It’s not long before the ride hits a point of bumps and rock that cover the path…it becomes a time that I get so lost in all that I miss; all that has happened. It becomes like a wrong turn in the journey, a very lonely place where the hurt of all that has been taken away brings me to a dark place of reality in all that I’m living in. Cale doesn’t know every tear that has been shed. He has no idea the hurt; the wrenching pain that has so easily threatened to envelope me in its depths of despair. He has no idea the many things that I’ve had to sacrifice and the sleep that I’ve gone without or the hours spent surrendering every breath before the Lord because it was the only thing I could do. I think about the many families that I’ve met or heard about that also has a loved one with a brain injury and although I know they understand my daily battles on a level, I also think to myself there’s NO WAY they understand what I'M going through because they have no idea the marriage that WE had, the love that WE shared, or every memory that is so deeply etched and engraved in my mind and heart, but as every day passes, I feel as though I’m forgetting little by little the way things were, and the husband I had. The motorcycle ride at this point has become scary and I know my mind has gone too far and I long for the breeze. The sunset. The horizon.
No, Cale doesn’t know. He may never and I’m not sure that I’d want him to know. No, maybe there is no one that I will ever meet that can fully understand the waters that I tread through, but there IS someone that DOES know. His name is Jesus.
The sadness I experience when Cale doesn’t remember so many sweet, funny, precious moments that we’ve had together I’m reminded that although they’re no longer in his grasp to enjoy and cherish, the Lord knows EVERY single one. There’s not a moment that has passed that is not counted for in my Father’s memory. Not a moment that he forgets. Not a need or a longing that I’ve ever had that has gone forgotten. Not a spilt second of a time that God has not held me; carried me.
This morning I was graciously reminded of his love for me. How He delights in me. How the things of this world will pass away, but He is everlasting.
The last worship song that played this morning was Mended by Watermark. The words were beautiful and hit the mark. It was another added part of the amazingness.
You repair all that we have torn apart and
You unveil a new beginning in our hearts and
We stand grateful for all that has been left behind and
All that goes before us
You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to you
(to you, oh Lord, to you)
We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years and
You will sing over all our coming fears and
We'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us
Lord, you mend the breech
And you break every fetter
You give us your best, but what we thought was better
And you are to be praised
You are to be praised (4x)
(to you, oh Lord, mender of the broken)