That’s a word used often to describe what Cale is experiencing, and today I’m claiming the word for myself.
I don’t want this to end up being a heavy post, but the last couple days have been…heavy. On Friday morning I had the last conference call with his therapy team. We’ve already said good bye to one of his therapist and as you’ve read many a times before, it’s always a bit emotional for me! Cale usually has absolutely no problem! Haha! This time is very different because I’ve had to take advantage of all of his therapy time so I could have time to get away, which in result my bond with the therapist hasn’t been as a deep, but I love each of them! The other side of it is not knowing what’s next and the time is already upon us! Cale is still not at a place that he’s going to be able to tolerate outpatient therapy, but with the VA that’s looking to be our only option. We are trying to continue the speech therapy he’s getting right now, and will know more later this week.
The reason for the therapy change comes from us finally discharging from the Army. Cale is about to officially be a veteran. This is scary waters for me and the picture of what getting out of the Army looked like a couple years ago is quite a bit different than what we’re facing now. As the day quickly approaches, there are a lot of things that are changing and things I’m sorting through. No need to drag it on…it’s just not an easy place to be.
Along with the changes taking place, my last post I wrote about how Cale was doing so great mood wise and how I was embracing it not knowing when that too would change. On Saturday morning things seemed a little off, but I had to hurry off to church for our ladies breakfast. At that point we were still on a high, but as the day progressed, Cale seemed to go downhill. His emotions were all over the place and the familiar anger spouts had returned. Everyone has bad days so I wasn’t going to let it ruin the last two weeks and all the joy that had come from it. We made a trip to get some groceries which ended up to be a really bad idea.
The thing about living with Cale’s brain injury and all that comes with it, doesn’t mean we don’t have fun or that he isn’t fun to be around. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be around him or that I’m constantly having a bad day because of it. It’s just simply draining.
Everyday almost we’re facing a new battle or situation that we’re both trying to figure out. Even with all the books and resources that has come about to help understand brain injury, there’s not a manual to walk you through it; much like becoming a parent. Each case of brain injury is so different and complex in many cases there’s not a right or wrong to how you choose to go about parts of it.
Cale is full force into the “I can do it!” stage. I’m constantly having to decide how much independence I allow and where I have to force my help, whether it’s wanted or not. With a child, it’s clear that you’re the boss. You’re the parent and you make the rules. What about when you’re a grown man and you know that you should be in charge of yourself?
I have to say, it was a bit easier during our two weeks of bliss, but now with the negativity back so strong, it’s breaking me. It leaves me questioning the Lord through tears, “will I get to be just his wife again?” I hate having to feel like I’m always telling him what he needs to do.
I could go into all the details, but that’s not gonna do anyone any good. I was thinking about love and how it’s been said so many times before about how love is a choice. Every marriage goes through difficult times and along with demands that are made, you have to continue to make the choice to love your spouse because not every day is going to be easy. The same applies in our life right now. Daily I have to surrender our life to the Lord and ask him to help me be the very best wife I can be for Cale. I constantly ask the Lord to help me to love Cale the way that he does and to see him through God’s eyes.
Like many many times before, the Lord is always ALWAYS faithful to give me the hugs and kisses that are much needed. With puffy eyes wearing my sweats and hoodie, I started making dinner for bible study tonight. I was really looking forward to our group gathering in my living room talking about each of our lives and sharing about the ways the Lord has been challenging us. I had already realized that in the midst of this challenging weekend, I didn’t take the time to spend at the feet of Jesus and began to confess this, when I heard the bedroom door. Cale had taken a nap and when he came to the kitchen, he said hi and I said it right back. This time, he walked closer and said, “are you not ok?” I asked why and then he told me I didn’t seem ok. Nothing had really happened and it was within seconds, but he knew. He read me. He came closer and gave me a hug.
I can’t even explain how much I needed that. He then proceeded to help me in the kitchen preparing dinner. The rest of the night was a bit…well, not the greatest. Cale was tired and frustrated and went to the room. He didn’t eat lunch and wouldn’t eat much of dinner either.
Every phase we get to, I know the Lord meets us there. He’s already paved the way and He's ready to lead us through the ways we do not know.
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. –Isaiah 42:16
A couple randoms…
My grandpa died Saturday. He’s been really sick lately and it isn’t totally out of the blue, but it’s always hard to hear.
On Friday in ST, Doreen was trying to get Cale to sort through categories. As I listened to the session, it played out like this…
D: Which one does not fit in the category? Apples, carrots, broccoli, or cabbage?
C: (without hesitation) broccoli!
D: Why do you say that?
C: It’s gross.
D: So out of apples, carrots, broccoli, or cabbage you say broccoli doesn’t fit?
C: and cabbage. It’s gross too!
I laughed so hard! He made his own category up! :o)
I had posted this on Facebook and had a ton of fun reading the responses I thought I’d post it on here too…
After watching a Jane Austin movie I gain a British accent, after watching American Idol, I can’t help but sing (and I’m not one to keep a tune!), after watching (or during!) Food Network, I can’t resist eating, and when I watch any show with dancing, I find myself dancing around the house thinking I have the same groove they do (except I'm far from it!)…anyone else like me?