Tuesday, October 30, 2012

One step at a time...

 
 
If you could enter my mind right now, you would want to run away as fast as you can...it's quite the jumbled mess. I imagine something similar to the images you've all been watching play over and over on the news. Like that, but less wet.
 
Between the hospital and the Fisher House, I walk these steps every morning and evening. Sometimes if I happen to leave for something during the day, I walk them again. There's a lot more to walk then what you see in the picture by the way! Last week following a difficult time with Cale, I was walking back to the Fisher House and although I may have looked perfectly fine on the outside, maybe a little odd because I tend to use facial expressions with whatever my thoughts are...and to some it's very random and doesn't fit the moment in the slightest. Anywho...I was pouting big time. I'm totally not against having a bad day or being ok with experiencing emotions like sadness and anger over things that happen in our life and I know I'm not perfect, so please don't think I'm saying anything like that, but I do believe there is a difference between throwing a big fat pity party and sulking in misery while whining to the world, verses experiencing an emotion that God has created you to feel. On my walk...unfortunately in my mind it was the first. Totally.
 
It only took seconds to snap me right out of what was forming into a funk like no other because as I was letting the brain injury, missing home, wanting a baby, and feeling left out of life simmer in my little mind, my eyes settled on an image that may never be forgotten. Those same steps that I have already walked up and down over a dozen times was  now being walked up by a man that had lost both arms and legs while deployed. His therapist was behind him helping him up each step as he adjusted to using his new prosthetic legs. Every step took such focus and determination, much like what I have watched repeatedly from my own husband.
 
What do I have to whine about?
 
Some days I just get in these moods more than others. I'm not going to lie; lately it feels as though once again every single woman that I know is pregnant or just had a baby...well, maybe not every single one, but we're talking about my little brain remember?
 
And as happy as I am for every single one of them, I can't help but ache a little more each time. I would be lying if I said I was just happy and full of joy all the time for all my beautiful friends and family that have these little bundles of sweetness and not feel the pinch of pain.
 
I wish I could say I was stronger than that.
 
I wish that it didn't bother me to be away from home and that I was just completely loving the fact that my husband is in this amazing program.
 
I wish that I could say that when I see all the big great things friends are doing and the lives that I see others living...well, I wish I could say that I never long and lust after it.
 
But...I do.
 
And then I listen on the news about how there are homes and lives completely destroyed from one storm that many in the same country feel no effects from. Even though we felt a lot of rain and wind here, we continued on with life. About an hour ago they said there had already been 30 deaths and more to come.
 
I'm once again quickly snapped out of what could turn into a sad night because I'm safe and cozy. I spent the day at the hospital with my husband playing games and being silly...
 
 
I have very much been reminded that we take one step at a time and whether we have lost our arms and legs or our hearts are just feeling extra heavy; when we go to the feet of Jesus, He provides the perfect amount of strength and courage to keep going.
 
And He loves us in our weakness...
 
 
 
I'm so thankful I've never once had to be perfection; I've just had to be me-
...and He loves me so. 
 
AND...I sometimes just need a slap on the head to get over myself. Just saying.


13 comments:

  1. Kathleen, you are so very sweet. Here you are talking on and on about your emotions and situation and you talk yourself right out of it!!! God does love you and you are very right, he never expected you to be perfect. AND WE love you just the way you are:) Hang in there, there's a lot of people standing with you:) God, be near this dear couple and let them feel the warmth of the light of your love shining on them tonight as they prepare for bed. Love you guys. Julie H

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  2. Oh m girl just know that we are standing in the gap with you every step of the way..Praying for you..And loving you...!!!

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  3. Praying for you.
    Emily J.

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  4. Wondering if the soldier you spoke of was Staff Sargeant Travis Mills? I follow their blog and pray for he and his wife Kelsey. I don't know if they know the Lord but my prayer is if they don't, that they would!!! :o)
    Emily J
    Maybe the Lord will send someone very special into their lives "for such a time as this" to share the love of Christ with them! ;o) Who knows?

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  5. WELL!! I must say, I think this is the first time I have heard (seen) one in a younger generation use the word "funk". Though, I must say, I usually say "Blue Funk". It does a commendable job describing the way we feel. My Dear Kathleen, I love you so much. Father loves you even more. He even has a BIGGER understanding of your "funk" than I do. Know that Jesus is this very moment interceeding for you. He's putting you in His Father's heart and hands as no other can. You are my treasure, Marion

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  6. Kathleen, You are very special to me and dear to my heart. Thanks for your post and for being transparent and believable. I appreciate your analogy between Sandy and the storm of post-combat life on the home front. Some are experiencing devastating results of that "storm" while so many people in other parts of the country just see blips of it on their TV screens and go on unaffected. And, yes, it's difficult not to "lust" for the lives that others live, seemingly unscathed by the past ten years of war. But you nailed it. Jesus sees. Jesus knows. Jesus is there, here with us and is transforming for good minute by minute what the enemy meant for our ruin and despair. You, sweet Darling, are a member of the next "greatest generation." God has great plans for YOU and is preparing your heart (and Caleb's) for something you can't presently even ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20). Yours will be a happy ending. I KNOW it. Much love.

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  7. Kathleen, everyone who has read your blog has marveled at the emotional strength God has given you to go through this. Cale's anger is just another huge hurdle- like re-learning how to walk and talk, etc. that he has to overcome. Your hurdle is submitting your desire for a normal home and a baby to God's will and timing. Mine is trusting Him for the salvation of my children. We have to trust that He knows best in His will and timing for what is so dear to our hears.

    Kathleen H

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  8. Girl, just read your blog today, and the Lord is ever faithful to remind us we can only walk one step at a time, if we try to take too many we will fall and face plant, not a suggested senerio- btw...... Trust and faith are often toutching each step as we climb knowing that he WILL provide the strength to endure and the grace to press in as we do so. Faith isn't standing at the top of the steps and saying let me fly Lord, and jumping off believing God will not allow any pain to come to us - that is silly... he provided all those steps, must be we should USE then.I am not saying that it doesn't take LEAPS of FAITH to walk on each one of them ...it does. More to the point God can use each step of faith to reveal himself to you - there are alot of steps you have already seen his faithfulness revealed, glorified and magnified ~ sometimes to the point of turning that tiny step into party central lol..... I see you waiting, and allowing God the glory in your waiting, but also being real, understanding HOW HARD it is to wait, and see others be blessed......Let me tell you something, the things you are waiting for the blessings the you desire, he hasn't forgotten, nor does he insist that you forget them either. There was a woman who often spoke in FL her name is Kathy Letchner. She would talk about her littlest boy (they have a VERY big family....) when it was someones birthday~ her youngest son would say " For me uh" meaning is it my birthday yet???? No his mother would tell him, as each month passed someone had a birthday, someone was blessed and her youngest son would each time say " for me uh??" No,my sweet this is for your sister, no my darling this is for your brother, no my love this is for your brother, was always the refrain. With tears in his eye her youngest would reach out his hands spread them wide and ask again ..."For Me UH??"........finaily one day while talking to the Lord, He told her: Kathy you are like that. She knew he was right there were blessings she saw others recieve that she so desired, and had been waiting for...God told her , I am going to give you a For me Uh ... it's not the blessing you are waiting for , but it will be something just from me for you while you wait........ and he did. She also passed that special "for me uh" blessing on to her youngest, when it was her daughters birthday she gently and quietly gave him a small present to open ~ just for him. But the biggest thing , she said, wasn't in the present it was in the moment WHEN it really was HIS BIRTHDAY..... he recieved gifts from all over the united states from people he didn't even know, it was his biggest birthday (to date)....and he got the thing he was waiting for and then some. That's how God is ~ even as we wait and we cry out for me uh daddy????He says not yet , it's coming BUT here let me give you something special while you wait.....and I see him doing that for you blessing you, and kissing your forhead, and saying not yet honey,it's coming hang in there , trust me , and here this is for you while you wait. I always think of that story whenever I am in the midst of waiting on God to move, or waiting for a blessing (sometimes it is the same thing ) ....and I wanted to share it with you , because I knew you would get it and the blessing he has for you ~ it too is more than you can even think or possibly imagine~~~ love you girly ~~~ so much (((())))! Always on your side Reenie !!!!!

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  9. Hey There, Reenie, I am glad you got reception, or whatever it is, for your computer. Just as you are to Kathleen, you are a gift to me. Marion

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    1. aww thanks Marion I always read what you write and am so encouraged as I know Kathleen is too! Thanks :)

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  10. Reenie,
    What you shared with Kathleen so hit my heart. Thanks for sharing.

    Kathleen,
    Thx for being so real. The waiting is hard. It's usually a daily battle for me to surrender my hearts desire to be 'normal' to God and wait for His perfect timing. It's a constant battle with my flesh and the Spirit. He is so gracious to fill me when I do let go. I'm coming up on my 5 year anniversary of fighting and my 30th bday. I wait in anticipation to see if this is it. God has promised me healing and it is a walk of faith at this point not sight. But you know the funny thing??!?. I'm going to miss my time in the wilderness. The way He softly touched me and whispered His love to me. The way He would pick me up an d carry me when I couldn't or didn't want to go on. The way He worked so mightly in my life. I know I will look back with tears of joy and gratitude, but there will be a piece of me that will long for the comfort in the fire of affliction. There are things and ways God speaks and works, in us, as you know, that only come from His consuming fire. So once again I surrender today my desire to leave the furnace and look forward to the way He will show up so amazingly today. Girly your day of rejoicing will come, and we will rejoice with you!! I love you, you amazing woman of God. May your day be blessed abundantly today:)

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    1. Krystle, thanks ~ What you just wrote did the same for me NO kidding because God has been showing me that very thing that HE is the Fire and He is the water that we pass through ( Isa. 43.) He has confirmed it in so many ways and in that understanding there is something that is gained that NOONE can take from us .I always thought the trial was the fire and the water but the trial is just the fodder for the fire and the waves in the ocean - the fire is HIM the Water is HIM and I love that because he is in it to the point of becoming the very thing I am walking through. So I am safe and protected EVEN when it doesn't feel like it - I really appreciated that post...thanks

      Kathleen : Agree you are an amazing woman of God!

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  11. From Isaiah 43:1b-2, "Fear not, for I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you."

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