If you could enter my mind right now, you would want to run away as fast as you can...it's quite the jumbled mess. I imagine something similar to the images you've all been watching play over and over on the news. Like that, but less wet.
Between the hospital and the Fisher House, I walk these steps every morning and evening. Sometimes if I happen to leave for something during the day, I walk them again. There's a lot more to walk then what you see in the picture by the way! Last week following a difficult time with Cale, I was walking back to the Fisher House and although I may have looked perfectly fine on the outside, maybe a little odd because I tend to use facial expressions with whatever my thoughts are...and to some it's very random and doesn't fit the moment in the slightest. Anywho...I was pouting big time. I'm totally not against having a bad day or being ok with experiencing emotions like sadness and anger over things that happen in our life and I know I'm not perfect, so please don't think I'm saying anything like that, but I do believe there is a difference between throwing a big fat pity party and sulking in misery while whining to the world, verses experiencing an emotion that God has created you to feel. On my walk...unfortunately in my mind it was the first. Totally.
It only took seconds to snap me right out of what was forming into a funk like no other because as I was letting the brain injury, missing home, wanting a baby, and feeling left out of life simmer in my little mind, my eyes settled on an image that may never be forgotten. Those same steps that I have already walked up and down over a dozen times was now being walked up by a man that had lost both arms and legs while deployed. His therapist was behind him helping him up each step as he adjusted to using his new prosthetic legs. Every step took such focus and determination, much like what I have watched repeatedly from my own husband.
What do I have to whine about?
Some days I just get in these moods more than others. I'm not going to lie; lately it feels as though once again every single woman that I know is pregnant or just had a baby...well, maybe not every single one, but we're talking about my little brain remember?
And as happy as I am for every single one of them, I can't help but ache a little more each time. I would be lying if I said I was just happy and full of joy all the time for all my beautiful friends and family that have these little bundles of sweetness and not feel the pinch of pain.
I wish I could say I was stronger than that.
I wish that it didn't bother me to be away from home and that I was just completely loving the fact that my husband is in this amazing program.
I wish that I could say that when I see all the big great things friends are doing and the lives that I see others living...well, I wish I could say that I never long and lust after it.
And then I listen on the news about how there are homes and lives completely destroyed from one storm that many in the same country feel no effects from. Even though we felt a lot of rain and wind here, we continued on with life. About an hour ago they said there had already been 30 deaths and more to come.
I'm once again quickly snapped out of what could turn into a sad night because I'm safe and cozy. I spent the day at the hospital with my husband playing games and being silly...
I have very much been reminded that we take one step at a time and whether we have lost our arms and legs or our hearts are just feeling extra heavy; when we go to the feet of Jesus, He provides the perfect amount of strength and courage to keep going.
And He loves us in our weakness...
I'm so thankful I've never once had to be perfection; I've just had to be me-
...and He loves me so.
AND...I sometimes just need a slap on the head to get over myself. Just saying.