Days are extra-long here. I don’t necessarily want to pray for our time here to go quickly or the days to pass by because I hate wishing for time to fly…doesn’t it already do that enough?!
But…it does seem as though time drags on here. My walks to the hospital are filled with a dark sky hardly any movement around and when I leave at night it’s once again dark and quiet. I am getting out of the room some but at this point it’s still important for me to be around as much as possible.
I decided to make posting again today a priority because I need to open up a little more about our struggles and where we’re at. I’m not going to go into details with some of it because I need to protect Cale and myself…but I do need want to share some so you might know more specifically how to pray for us and share more about why we’re inpatient in this program.
Yesterday when I posted I kept it light because I wanted to focus on being so thankful for your prayers and how awesome it was that we were each gifted something special. There weren’t any explosions yesterday but Cale still has a lot of anger and gets upset often. At least every 20 minutes, normally even more often, he’ll ask why we’re here. He just isn’t able to remember why we’re here or to grasp and understand. Every time he asks, it’s followed by him becoming really angry. Sometimes, he just yells and hits the bed or himself. Recently (within the last couple months) he’s been threatening to hurt himself (with words) when his anger rises. I’ve written before about his anger maturing. Yesterday every time he would become angry, we were able to keep it somewhat controlled and redirect him.
Sometimes, we’re not so fortunate and his anger escalates until he’s uncontrollable. Along with him threatening to hurt himself, he has reached a point that he has tried acting on it. As well as hurting himself, he’s begun hurting me. Up until San Diego, it wasn’t to a point that I felt like he would actually hurt me. Over the last month it’s progressed to a point that I no longer have a choice. I’m not safe and neither is he. I need help.
After returning from Ecuador I was told of this program that helps with medication management. We had already started the process of weaning him off of one med curious if that was contributing to his mood swings. We weren’t really sure where to go and because his neurologist is in Seattle it was left to me to weed through the changes on the med switches and figuring out what was going to be the best next step. Cale was in a coma and unresponsive when he was put on his meds so we have no idea how the side effects affect him. His mood swings could be from medication, brain injury, or a level in his body off. Possibly from something else or all of the above!
At this point because both of our lives have been at risk, even if we weren’t in this program, I wouldn’t be able to have him home. I hate that we’re here in this stage and I hate that he’s having to go through this and I really hate that I have to watch him be so miserable, but I rest in being confident in the knowledge that we are not alone and that the Lord has already qualified me for this moment in our marriage to love Cale the best that I can even if that means watching him hurt.
I also once again can declare how amazing it is to see God’s hand through each step we have to take. Cale’s anger has been progressing since winter of 2010, but at this point right now, I had no idea it was going to get so intense, but of course God did! Over a year ago He brought a super wonderful awesome woman into my life that has helped multiple times since and then again this last August was able to recommend the idea and possibility of Cale going inpatient again to figure out his meds and to see if we can get him leveled. I was very unsure about him going inpatient again and I knew he was not going to like it one bit. I knew it was going to be hard but I knew it was a direction we needed to go. Now, I’m even more thankful knowing that he’s in this incredible (no other word describes it well enough!) program for his meds rather than us being at home with no hands on support!
I’ve been thinking the last few days about how I walked with Christ and sought Him before ever dating a guy. I prayed for my future husband consistently since I was 13 and chose a man who I knew loved the Lord. I could never have imagined or even thought about how one day a time would come that I would fear him and be hurt emotionally and physically by him. Even as I type this and as I’ve talked with Mama, I can’t even fully understand.
I know that he loves and adores me and aside from his explosions he is the sweetest husband to me.
We ask that you pray specifically for-
* Wisdom for the doctors and staff here as they learn him and begin to come up with a care plan. I have been told that we could be here a long while…
* Peace, joy and comfort that only God can provide to pour over him.
* That Cale’s heart would be open to this program and that he would gain understanding. Also that he would be willing and open for treatment.
* I’m also praying that everyone we come into contact with here, we would be a blessing to and that we would let Jesus fill and overflow so that they will see Him in us and that all glory would go to Him.
* Patience for staff, myself, and Cale. For Cale’s safety he has been assigned someone to be with him at all times. Even if I’m around, a staff has Cale in their line of vision. He’s also being observed as they watch how he reacts to different things, what triggers cause him to be angry, and why he does some of the things he does. It’s a long slow process and just takes time.
* We would be able to leave knowing which med if any Cale needs to be on and that we'd have tools to further his recovery and provide a better life for him.
* Weekends are quiet and very laid back here. There's no schedule and lots of down time. As I've already said, the down time is when Cale struggles the most. Oh goody...!
This afternoon Cale had another explosion. It was his second for the day. This time he was hanging out by the double doors yelling that he wanted to go home. It’s a locked unit so he can’t just walk off. I was trying to redirect and calm him down but a couple cleaning ladies put the code in to come through the doors. As soon as they opened, Cale bolted. I stayed behind and let a couple of the strong Navy guys follow. He ended up locking himself in a room down the hall and wouldn’t let anyone in or come out. He kept asking for me so one of the guys came and led me to my man behind the door. He did let me in and so it wouldn’t just be the two of us, one of the doctors slipped his foot so he couldn’t close it. We were finally able to get him out of the room only by talking about his brother Ty and how he should call him. Once out of the room he would only stand in the hall but we couldn’t get him to budge and head back to the unit. Finally I was able to get a smile and talked him into going back to his room but he would only with one condition…he wanted me to prance down the hall. So pranced I did! Yep, I sure did. Right in front of the two doctors and the navy guys.
While he’s here they are giving him therapy. It’s a couple days out of the week and helps break up the days. Right now he’s locked on the unit and we’re switching from card game to card game along with the iPad games and Xbox to keep him entertained. One of the goals Cale has for PT is to pick up and carry our (someday) baby by himself safely. So, the PT went on a thinking hunt and today she brought in an 8 pound ball weight for him to work with.
Here’s are little family! Isn’t our baby so sweet?! Cale said it’s a girl because it has purple…
Again I want to thank you for all your prayers. I have been loaded with such sweet and encouraging words from so many of you. I can’t imagine walking this journey and not having all of you apart of our lives!
If you want to send an encouraging card to Cale send to:
8901 Wisconsin Ave
TBI-7East Bldg 10, 7th floor
Bethesda, MD 20889
His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. -2 Peter 1:3