Sunday, August 25, 2019

Calloused

I awaken to the beeping of my alarm. I roll over and as quickly as possible I hit STOP before he wakes up. I hear his soft snore which means I was successful shutting the alarm off in time. I wrestle with knowing I need to get up but with the room dark and cozy, the early morning isn't enticing enough to lure me from beneath the blankets. Stay. Get up. It's an every morning battle. 

I finally pull myself up as quietly as possible and sneak myself to the bathroom. I need my time with Jesus or I won't make it through the day. It's early, yes, but this is nonnegotiable. 

After getting ready, I once again move through the room trying to not make a noise. I need him sleeping. 

I turn my closet light on, shut the door and there I sit with my Bible on the floor surrounded by clothes and shoes. 

I take a deep breath.

His mercies are new every morning. Every morning. Every minute.

The last week was catching up with me. Lots of emotions bouncing every which way and the late nights and early mornings weren't helping. 

Jesus. 

Jesus, you are my restart. 

I am thankful to serve a God who is all about restarts. I was just talking with a friend about how sometimes with Nora, when I feel like all we've done is battled all day, I will make her close her eyes and I'll have her spin 3 times. With giggles and counting, she'll open her eyes and we declare it's a restart.

Many times in God's word, there are restarts for His people... He gives multiple opportunities for another chance. Jesus was the ultimate restart and as much as I can, I try to grasp this truth every morning.

Yesterday was hard. Today is most likely going to be hard- but right now, this time I was spending with Him; the conversation I was having with Him- my tank was being filled. 

He is enough.

Our home has hard days. Like, the not typical hard days every family has. In fact, almost every day there's a hard moment that is harder than our normal hard. We expect those moments. We experience them and we move on. I've said many times, if we stay there, we'll miss the sweet joyful moments that come. We have to keep rolling. Cale lives in the moment and as his family, we need to try our best to be there with him. 

This is how our family works. The kiddos are already learning this rhythm in our family. 

A family counselor years ago had sat with me in a garden outside of the hospital while Cale was still inpatient. She explained to me that Cale will have a rollercoaster of emotions and that if we're going to make it, I would have to learn to let him ride alone and I be the one waiting; grounded on land. 

This has stuck with me since that day. Normally, I can do this. There are many moments that have happened where I have had to remain calm and collected, allowing him to ride the rollercoaster. It hasn't been easy- but it's brain injury.

Sometimes though, I jump on with him. I know it's not best, I know it's not going to end well...but I can't quite help it. I'm human.

And sometimes...I ride my own ride. And I do think this is healthy and good. I feel the hurt in the moment and I experience the pain from the wound. 
When we're having a sweet time, I feel that too. I'm all in. I don't want to miss a happy moment by being held back from the hurt. 

Something really hard happened almost 3 weeks ago. Prayerfully we're moving on knowing this is a new week and we can begin to heal. I won't go into details on here but it felt loaded and heavy and I would say the after effects were actually much harder. 

I was in church last week and during worship, I just started to cry. The tears came and I couldn't stop them. I was overwhelmed by emotion, overwhelmed by worship, overwhelmed by Jesus. 

At one point I was thinking, "Girl, get it together!" What was my problem? Why am I so emotional about this? The week went on and the hard kept coming, much like these summer storms in NC.

The struggle of emotions is so real and the last couple of weeks I have felt so many different emotions. The up and down is exhausting all on its own. 

I thought of something this last week, it was something our Pastor said in his sermon about being calloused. I honestly can't even remember the context but it stuck out to me during this last week as I sat there in my closet with Jesus that I never want to become calloused to life with brain injury- this life that He has called me to. 

These emotions that come, they were created by the Creator. 

When I experience the pain and hurt, the disappointment, the anger- these are emotions that open my heart up to the reality of the need I have for Jesus. The reminder that He is sovereign over all things and that I can hold so tight to all of His promises for the future of eternity. This will all be gone and I will not have the burden any longer. 

The emotions of joy and peace and the laughter that comes- these are my reminders of the lightness that comes when I surrender the burden of life. These are gifts and a way that I feel His presence and the thankfulness of beauty from ashes. 

If I allow myself to get to a point when the hard doesn't cause my heart to react, I will also stop being able to react to the joy that He has given me. 

I don't ever want to become calloused to the way sin destroys.
I don't ever want to become calloused to the way His presence in worship makes me weep. 
I don't ever want to become calloused to the way a baby being born makes me leap with pure joy.
I don't ever want to be calloused to the way seeing someone hurt makes me hurt.

This life is hard guys. We live in a broken world and we can't be so aloof and outwardly tough that we miss out on living out the hard with someone next to us as they help to hold us up. We can't miss out on moments of explosive laughter because we're holding onto so much bitterness we can't experience joy.

One of the things Cale does right, is live in the moment.

May we be a little more like him in this way...





These pictures were all taken in the last couple weeks when in the midst of the hard, we experienced true joy because of our good God. :)










4 comments:

  1. Dear One, What a JOY to "read from you again!"

    Father has been teaching me about being calloused, too. I remember thinking I could put up a shell so as to not be hurt, BUT (as you so well put it) I would miss all the blessings along the way. Thank you for the reminder to be soft before Him.

    About the crying and not know why, sometimes I've found the tears wash away the crude so He can fill me with His love.

    Having Nora spin around and saying it's a restart in brilliant. I will try that with my Lily. I remember one Pastor saying we had to be masters of hitting the restart button. :)

    Thank you for saying how hard it is for you to get out of bed for your morning time with Jesus. I wake up, look at the clock and often go back to sleep for an hour. Your words are the second time today Father has said something about that to me. First time was in my Shepherd's sermon. When Father repeats Himself, especially from completely different sources, He's trying to get a message across.

    You are a treasured gift from Father. I am grateful He's given you to me. He only gives the very best. I love you,

    Marion

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Marion!
      I just realized I haven't been back on here to check comments! Have you tried the restart idea with Lily yet?
      Love you!

      Delete
  2. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

    Sending all my love to you, Kathleen!
    Lorri C

    ReplyDelete

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