Word.

Hello Friends.

It's once again been awhile since I've posted. I know I've started so many posts like this. Thank you to those of you that have been patient as you've continued to check this blog, encourage us with your kind words and for the way you continue to let me know you're there. You're a gift. 

Have any of you chosen a word for the year? I chose the word intentional the year Nora was born. I didn't spend too much time thinking about that word or how it played out through the year but I do remember thinking about how I wanted to work on being more intentional with my relationships and my time. I have no idea if I was. Haha. 

Going into 2018, I had decided to pick a word again. This time I spent time praying about it and after much thought, I chose the word love. It seemed kind of basic...not a cool word but I believed I had some growing to do in it. Whatever that was going to look like. 

That year my heart went through some twists and tugs that I can't say I've ever known. Spiritually I struggled more than I can say I ever have. I had to work through if I was going to show love when it seemed like an impossible task. I spent hours in prayer and wept tears with passion and asked God

 so. many. questions. My marriage felt like something I wasn't qualified for. Yet, I had a choice to extend a love that is not glossy...not that most love is. 

Was I willing to love knowing change was maybe out of reach? 

I ended 2018 knowing that I had grown so much as a woman confident in what God was asking me to walk in. Knowing so much more intimately the love from the cross. 

As I was walking into 2019 with much prayer, I felt led with choosing the word remember. It may as well have been a flashing billboard the way it was pressed on my heart. 

I imagined that it would be a year the Lord would help me to remember all the things in this life I've walked through...which has been part of it. Most of this last year though? It's been so much about remembering who God is. His character. His holiness. His kindness. His grace. His compassion. His goodness. His faithfulness. His patience. His heart.

I have a husband with brain injury, life is going to always have the hard moments with that. The aches and the pain. I know that and I've experienced it. I also know that my eyes are fixed past this life, praising a God who despite my ugly heart, loves me. Chose me. Uses me. 

It's beautiful. It's beyond any words I could put together. 

I have also spent time sitting with memories from when I was little. Memories with family and friends. I've spent time remembering events that impacted me and my thoughts about God as a little girl. I've remembered key women who God placed in my life who were examples to me and maybe didn't even realize it. I've spent time looking back on meeting Cale and being friends with him. I've spent time thinking about times I've gotten my priorities mixed up. I've spent time remembering things I was passionate about and people who I've met over the years.

Maybe your word isn't going to be remember but I do encourage you to spend some time sitting with memories. It can be wonderful and terrible all at the same time but so good. Looking back at the things God has made himself known over and over through situations is humbling for sure.

With all of that said, 2020 is approaching. A friend recently asked if I had read this one book and if I've ever chosen a word for the year. I had never heard about the book...I don't even remember the name of it now but I did talk with her about how I actually had chosen a word in the past. I was probably just about as wordy as this post when I was telling her-ha! 

Over that weekend after she asked me about a word for this next year, I once again prayed and thought about it. And for 2020 my word is shine. 

Many things have happened in the last couple months and I have felt this overwhelming stirring. I don't know what it will look like or what God will ask me to walk in but I do know that He is calling me to shine for Him. For His glory and for His character to be displayed. 

I think I've mentioned a little before about my wrestle with posting on this blog or maybe I've just told people in person. Either way- it seems like a silly thing to struggle with. I have many things that I can say but one of the things I wrestle with is, there are SO many voices that we here ALL of the time. It's like blaring white noise with all of the information, opinions, blogs, social media, books, movies...aaaaaall of the things. And there are some solid godly women who write things way better than I ever could and they're amazing. 

Why would I add to it? 

There have been several things that I feel very much the Holy Spirit is leading me to write, but I make up all of these excuses and I don't. 

I can feel my disobedience. Yet, its easier to fill up my time with other things and avoid what I'm being asked to do. 

It's true, there is a LOT of added noise in this world and so much darkness. He's asking me- out of His kindness, He wants to use me to be a light for Him. Maybe I can't write perfectly. Maybe we have lots of things happen in our home that make it seem like we're not good enough to be used. Maybe doubts try to take over and excuses march in but He's not asking for a perfect me who has it all together. He's asking me to share whether on this blog, in conversations or however- to share His character. His holiness. His kindness. His grace. His compassion. His goodness. His faithfulness. His patience. His heart.

He's calling me to shine for Him. 

He's calling me to be a light in the darkness. 

Just like that song I remember singing when I was young:

"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine..."

I just need to obey, and take the next step and then the next.