The flood gates have opened. Since Friday I seem to be on the edge of tears every moment. There are so many things that are going on right now and so many thoughts that all I seem to be able to do is to let the tears come. I find so much comfort in knowing that the Bible says that Jesus wept (John 11:35). He understands the emotion that comes along with the flow of tears. It doesn't show lack of faith or that I don't believe He's in control, rather that I can bring myself to a deeper place of intimacy with Jesus. I can bring myself to think about the pain he felt, the anguish He experienced. I know that I will never completely understand, but in these raw moments when my heart is fully open, I can allow myself to surrender to Jesus with out guilt from tears-because He completely understands me.
With everything that's going on, I feel the Holy Spirit continually pressing on my heart "Do not worry" through scripture, devotions, prayer, and so many more things! Of course my first reaction is "But God..." I was in a meeting today that made everything seem to spiral out of control, followed by a phone call that made me a very frustrated Kathleen. I wanted to sneak away to have some time on my knees about all that's going on. I was reminded that I have to not only trust that God knows what's best, but also that He knows what's ahead. It's so easy to get wrapped up in a conversation and forget everything that I know about God and Who He is!
That night God appeared to Solomon and said to him, "Ask for whatever you want me to give you." Solomon answered God, "You have shown great kindness to David my father and have made me king in his place. Now, LORD God, let your promise to my father David be confirmed, for you have made me king over a people who are as numerous as the dust of the earth. Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours?" 2 Chronicles 1: 7-10
As I went before the Lord feeling like there were so many things that I could ask for in Cale's healing, details about what's next for us, the future; all I am able to ask for is wisdom and knowledge to understand and fight for the very best for Cale. As my husband, he is unable to step up in his role as leader of the family, which means that for this season, and maybe always, I will have to lead our family. I told Cale last week that I don't know all the right answers and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, I can only do my best. I of course want a full recovery, I want Cale to get better, I want to be in the best facility we can be in, I want his brain to heal, I want to see continued progress, I want a future and wonderful life with him, but aside from all my "wants" that may not all line up with God's plan, I want to have the wisdom and knowledge as I face every step that we come to, whether it's what I want or not. This isn't the first time through this journey that I've had to come before the Lord and completely surrender everything, trusting that His ways are higher than mine and His thoughts than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:9) and I know it will not be the last.
I felt a deep need to surrender-like when you take a deep breath and try to picture getting rid of everything. Surrender is not always a good thing; like at war-but with the Lord, like I've written before, you can find freedom in surrender. I'm so thankful that I can give it all away and not have to hold on. I'm so thankful that it's ok that I don't know all the right answers, but He does. He's on our side rooting for us! Downfall of the day...puffy eyes.
Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame. Isaiah 50:7