This was a "poor Cale" day. It started early this morning with him getting poked for an IV. The first one didn't work so the nurse had to poke again. Cale did awesome and the nurse he had today is really great, so the whole thing wasn't too terrible! It reminded me of when Cale was in the step down unit at Pitt and had reacted for the first time to the IV. There was 4 of us holding him down and the nurse trying to get the IV started. I think 3 different people had to try that time. I remember being so excited because he was reacting and so strong, even though he was so weak, but also that was the time I saw lots of blood and it was such a horrible feeling. Today there was a little blood, but I did ok too :)
When the IV was in place, we headed to another part of the hospital for a CT scan. They didn't say anything when they brought him to the waiting room, so I'm guessing he didn't move too much...
Shortly after we got back it was time for lunch and then right after we were done eating we drove to Stanford hospital. Ugg. After the doctors talked with us a little, they left the room to get a nose scope. Cale looked and me and said "Rescue me!" The scope part was so interesting to me though! I saw the last one that was done a few months ago, but they didn't get very far. This time I was able to see the tumor!
I knew it wasn't going to be the easiest visit, but I'm not sure I knew exactly what was waiting for me. The mass in Cale's nose is large (which I already knew) and has spread (which I already knew). We had talked a couple months ago about the different options but at that point surgery was the only option that was going to work for him. Now that he has progressed and can tolerate more, radiation is also an option. I still have more meetings to go to so nothing has been decided yet. Right now either way is hard and feels like I have to choose between bad option #1 and bad option #2. When we were walking out of the doctor's office, my heart was so heavy and I felt like I was going to start crying any minute...why this on top of TBI? Once we got in the car, Cale was talking and being silly, so I couldn't help but get out of my mood. Again, I know that God has brought him this far! There are a lot of details and it's going to be hard to make a decision. Please continue to pray for wisdom and the outcome. I think the next meeting is Tuesday?
Pool therapy was set up for 3pm today and we got back to the hospital at 2:55! Yeah! I'm so glad we made it back on time! First, because Cale didn't have any therapy yet, but also because he loves the pool! He had Pat and Puwan helping him again and he did so great! They had him doing a couple new things and I saw a smile the whole time :) He was doing great with balance too!
I've been thinking about something since yesterday afternoon that has been really heavy on my heart. I was asked to pray for a 17 year old girl that was in a car accident last Saturday. She's in a coma and from what I've been told it's pretty bad. A couple weeks ago, I had written about another young girl that was in a car accident and had passed away. I had a discussion about the girl in the coma, and part of it was about how it's hard for a believer, someone that has given their life fully to Christ, to look to God as our protector when things like this happened? There's a lot of his characteristics that we wonder where they went at a time like this-in a situation like this. The thought was that it must be easier for a person that doesn't believe because they don't have to continue to look to God in any way. They can just say things like this happen and that's part of life. All I could get out for an answer was that we (as believers) can trust that God is in control. We don't understand, but we know that each person is fearfully and wonderfully made, God created every detail and we (in the middle of the awfulness) believe that He is God and we trust Him.
I almost lost Cale. Almost 10 months ago, my husband was so close to dying...I would have never seen him again. Instead, his life was spared, but his life was lost to TBI. I don't understand and I don't like it, but, when I go to God's word, I find comfort and strength. There are a couple verses I wanted to share that might answer better than what I said...
But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God. Acts 20:24
This life is worth nothing if we aren't focused for the kingdom. Going through all of this with Cale, every tear that I've cried, every ounce of pain-is nothing if it's not for the glory of God. If lives are changed and eyes are pointed to Christ, then there is purpose for what we're facing.
We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in him. 1 John 4:16
As a believer, I know how much God loves me and that's what I've put my trust in. If I truly believe that He loves me, than I know that he didn't create this in our lives, this isn't His desire for us. He loves me-His arms are open to comfort me, to give me strength, to continue to give me purpose. There is no way to get a supernatural peace, joy, and strength if I didn't know Him.
Loving God means keeping his commandments, and his commandments are not burdensome. For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith. And who can win this battle against the world? Only those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God. 1 John:5:3-5
Even when something challenging is in our lives, loving God means keeping an intimate relationship with Him through following His commands. If we fall a part and turn away, if we shut out the Lord because things get tough, then do we really believe? I have to as a believer, understand that this world is full of sadness and pain, but when I overcome the disbelief and anger, I can trust that there is victory! Only those that know Him will win the battle against the world.
So much to say. So many thoughts and things on my heart...yikes!