Monday, December 13, 2010
We can do this-Yes we can!
All evening I have felt like a mopey puppy. I'm sad. It's been an emotional day, but the sad part for me is how I'm walking around alone. I know I have Cale here, but it's during little things that I really notice it. Usually after dinner, I take a little time and run to my room to put on comfy pants (which are perfect for cuddle time!). Tonight, rather than two girls coming along with me, it was just me. Dinner tonight was sad too! It was just the two of us sitting at our normal table. I realize I once again sound pathetic, but...what can I say? I'm an emotional girl! ;)
After some sadness, I tackled some of my to do list of things that I completely set aside the last week! I feel productive and exhausted, so I'll hopefully sleep great and wake up ready to take on the next two busy days before I leave on my trip! Woot!
Starting with the morning when emotions first started to jump on the roller coaster was a meeting with the ENT. Rachel came with me and I'm so thankful! First, I was expecting to go to the meeting, listen to all that the doctor had to say, and then make the decision-radiation or surgery. Both seemed scary and made me sick to my stomach, but I have been praying over and over telling the Lord that He has brought Cale this far and He already knows the outcome. With the same breath I was asking how was I supposed to make such a big decision?!
When the meeting first started, a female doctor walked in. I had never met her, she had never met Cale, and that made me uneasy right away. I think mostly because the ENT doctor that is handling Cale's case is amazing, and seeing his face would bring a little comfort. She asked questions about Cale and what I was thinking so far about radiation as a possibility. As we were talking, in walks his ENT doc! He dove right in with examining Cale and explaining what surgery was going to look like. Rachel asked after a couple minutes passed if he was saying that radiation wasn't going to be an option like we had thought. He then told us that he had already discussed with the doctor at Stanford that we had met with and surgery is Cale's only option. Now, it's not necessarily the easier option, but what a blessing that I don't even have to choose! My heart was so heavy with how in the world was I going to do it, and the whole time the Lord had already answered!
As the doctor went through what everything is going to look like, I attempted to take notes, but not too far into the discussion, I felt as though everything I had eaten so far that morning was going to end up all over the floor. Rachel was kind and pointed to the sink :) Thankfully, I was able to hold everything together, Rachel took the notes for me, all of my questions were answered, and his surgery is scheduled for January. It's going to be scary, but I know that Cale is in the best hands-not only the doctors that will be doing the surgery, but also, the hands of the Creator.
Another huge praise in the meeting...after several scans and MRI's, showing that the mass is large and in charge, he looked at it with the scope this morning and said, it actually looks way better than he had been thinking! He said it seems to be contained enough that it's possible that they won't have to do any cutting to get it out! Praise God! The tumor has grown around his carotid artery so they may not be able to get it all out, but that is a goal! Also, the doctor did say that even though the car accident is bad, it's a huge deal that the tumor was found. It has started growing up to his brain so who knows what would have happened if we wouldn't have found it!
The tears started towards the end of the meeting and came a little later during good byes. I'm not exactly sure how to explain, but there are times that I feel so sad for Cale that I can feel the pain in me so deep. During the meeting was the first today because I just hate that he has to go through this. Then again when he was having to say good bye to Joe Rachel and Beth. He was so sad. I hurt for him because he wants to go home, he wants to be around friends, and he wants to be done with hospitals. It's hard to see him say he misses his family and friends so much and them not be able to be here. I know he has me, but I just can't fill all the roles, even if I try. On the way to the airport we picked up Basil too. He flew back with them and Joe is going to take care of him for us until we can get to WA and get settled. I'm going to miss Basil being here. I don't get to see him a lot, but when I do it makes me so happy. Joe will be taking good care of him and he'll be waiting for us, so it's ok!
Cuddle time was wonderful tonight! We haven't had hardly any in almost a week. We had little moments to get us through though! ;) We are both so tired that we fell asleep a little after 6pm! It was a short snooze and then I headed back to my room early. We were both sharing how we're sad and miss home, but I'm trying to continually remind Cale of God's perfect timing and we need to keep trusting Him.
K: "I'm sad." C: "Why?" K: "I miss Rachel, Joe, and Beth!" C: "I miss Joe! Yeah Joe! I miss him."
Trouble is something no one can escape,
Everyone has it in some form or shape-
And the wise man accepts whatever God sends,
Willing to yield like a
storm-tossed tree bends,
Knowing that God never makes a mistake,
So whatever He sends
they are willing to take-
For trouble is part and parcel of life
And no man can grow
without trouble or strife,
And the steep hills ahead
and high mountain peaks
Afford man at last the peace that he seeks-
So blest are the people who learn to accept
The trouble men try to escape and reject,
For in our acceptance
we're given great grace
And courage and faith
and the strength to face
the daily troubles that come to us all
So we may learn to stand
"straight and tall"-
For the grandeur of life is born of defeat
For in overcoming we make life complete. -HR
I'm not sure what to say about this picture...
Posted by Kathleen at 8:30 PM