Monday, December 13, 2010

We can do this-Yes we can!


All evening I have felt like a mopey puppy. I'm sad. It's been an emotional day, but the sad part for me is how I'm walking around alone. I know I have Cale here, but it's during little things that I really notice it. Usually after dinner, I take a little time and run to my room to put on comfy pants (which are perfect for cuddle time!). Tonight, rather than two girls coming along with me, it was just me. Dinner tonight was sad too! It was just the two of us sitting at our normal table. I realize I once again sound pathetic, but...what can I say? I'm an emotional girl! ;)
After some sadness, I tackled some of my to do list of things that I completely set aside the last week! I feel productive and exhausted, so I'll hopefully sleep great and wake up ready to take on the next two busy days before I leave on my trip! Woot!

Starting with the morning when emotions first started to jump on the roller coaster was a meeting with the ENT. Rachel came with me and I'm so thankful! First, I was expecting to go to the meeting, listen to all that the doctor had to say, and then make the decision-radiation or surgery. Both seemed scary and made me sick to my stomach, but I have been praying over and over telling the Lord that He has brought Cale this far and He already knows the outcome. With the same breath I was asking how was I supposed to make such a big decision?!

When the meeting first started, a female doctor walked in. I had never met her, she had never met Cale, and that made me uneasy right away. I think mostly because the ENT doctor that is handling Cale's case is amazing, and seeing his face would bring a little comfort. She asked questions about Cale and what I was thinking so far about radiation as a possibility. As we were talking, in walks his ENT doc! He dove right in with examining Cale and explaining what surgery was going to look like. Rachel asked after a couple minutes passed if he was saying that radiation wasn't going to be an option like we had thought. He then told us that he had already discussed with the doctor at Stanford that we had met with and surgery is Cale's only option. Now, it's not necessarily the easier option, but what a blessing that I don't even have to choose! My heart was so heavy with how in the world was I going to do it, and the whole time the Lord had already answered!

As the doctor went through what everything is going to look like, I attempted to take notes, but not too far into the discussion, I felt as though everything I had eaten so far that morning was going to end up all over the floor. Rachel was kind and pointed to the sink :) Thankfully, I was able to hold everything together, Rachel took the notes for me, all of my questions were answered, and his surgery is scheduled for January. It's going to be scary, but I know that Cale is in the best hands-not only the doctors that will be doing the surgery, but also, the hands of the Creator.

Another huge praise in the meeting...after several scans and MRI's, showing that the mass is large and in charge, he looked at it with the scope this morning and said, it actually looks way better than he had been thinking! He said it seems to be contained enough that it's possible that they won't have to do any cutting to get it out! Praise God! The tumor has grown around his carotid artery so they may not be able to get it all out, but that is a goal! Also, the doctor did say that even though the car accident is bad, it's a huge deal that the tumor was found. It has started growing up to his brain so who knows what would have happened if we wouldn't have found it!

The tears started towards the end of the meeting and came a little later during good byes. I'm not exactly sure how to explain, but there are times that I feel so sad for Cale that I can feel the pain in me so deep. During the meeting was the first today because I just hate that he has to go through this. Then again when he was having to say good bye to Joe Rachel and Beth. He was so sad. I hurt for him because he wants to go home, he wants to be around friends, and he wants to be done with hospitals. It's hard to see him say he misses his family and friends so much and them not be able to be here. I know he has me, but I just can't fill all the roles, even if I try. On the way to the airport we picked up Basil too. He flew back with them and Joe is going to take care of him for us until we can get to WA and get settled. I'm going to miss Basil being here. I don't get to see him a lot, but when I do it makes me so happy. Joe will be taking good care of him and he'll be waiting for us, so it's ok!

Cuddle time was wonderful tonight! We haven't had hardly any in almost a week. We had little moments to get us through though! ;) We are both so tired that we fell asleep a little after 6pm! It was a short snooze and then I headed back to my room early. We were both sharing how we're sad and miss home, but I'm trying to continually remind Cale of God's perfect timing and we need to keep trusting Him.

K: "I'm sad." C: "Why?" K: "I miss Rachel, Joe, and Beth!" C: "I miss Joe! Yeah Joe! I miss him."


Trouble is something no one can escape,
Everyone has it in some form or shape-
And the wise man accepts whatever God sends,
Willing to yield like a
storm-tossed tree bends,
Knowing that God never makes a mistake,
So whatever He sends
they are willing to take-
For trouble is part and parcel of life
And no man can grow
without trouble or strife,
And the steep hills ahead
and high mountain peaks
Afford man at last the peace that he seeks-
So blest are the people who learn to accept
The trouble men try to escape and reject,
For in our acceptance
we're given great grace
And courage and faith
and the strength to face
the daily troubles that come to us all
So we may learn to stand
"straight and tall"-
For the grandeur of life is born of defeat
For in overcoming we make life complete. -HR


I'm not sure what to say about this picture...

7 comments:

  1. Oh my little love bug. I cry for you. I wish I knew the words to bring you the comfort you need. I can tell you that my brain tumor was wrapped around my carotid artery and the surgery was long but very successful. And God is watching over that Cale. We know this, We trust this.We praise this. I can't wait to hug you and tell you some of these things face to face in 3 more days. And I will be in fasting and never ceasing prayer in the days leading up to our guys surgery. You both are so loved.
    We love and miss you,
    Charlie and Jean

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  2. OH, MY!! That last picture kind of reminds of the saying "A face only a mother could love" :) The picture just above it, of you and Cale is sweet. You know, Kathleen, Jesus got emotional. If He got emotional, I KNOW you can too. Praise God you found the tumor, and are able to have it dealt with. Father, as you know, has already been in the time of Cale's surgery. He's just waiting for you to get there. I love you guys, Marion Hansen

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  3. Heather Favret12/13/10, 10:46 PM

    OK, whatever that last picture is is really weird, but umm yeah.... You know, maybe one of the good things G-d will bring from the accident is that the tumor was found much earlier than if no accident... It may have saved his life. G-d has also used you both to encourage so many people... you will see blessings start to flow from this, I am sure. Praying for you both as always, and I know Cale will bounce right back after surgery.
    ~ H

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  4. Heavenly Father,

    I pray you would comfort Kathleen during these lonely days. I pray you would give her that peace that only You can provide! I pray you would go before her to help make decisions easy right now for her and Cale. I thank you for ALL that you HAVE done in her and Cales life so far. Please help Kathleen to continue to trust that You've got this and You are the one holding Cale and her. Help her to focus on the good, even though it's so hard at times. Be with her Lord, fill those gaps in her life that are empty from Cale not being able to fill them. Be her rock, her strength and comfort. I know she loves you very much and only wants to please You. Bless her faithfulness!
    In your Name Dear Jesus, Amen!

    I hurt to badly for you. I read your posts almost everyday, and many of the things you say I can relate to and I just wish I could give you a hug and cry with you for a while. I know you are so lonely, and many of your emotional, physical and spiritual needs are not being met by your husband.

    When my husband was first hurt and even still, my family would just grab me and pray over him and with me and it always made me feel SO much better. Everything still comes in waves and I understand that you can't always be the happy and encouraged person who completely trusts the Lord all the time. Please know that it's ok to feel all of those things as long as you're not living in them constantly, which I know you're not doing.

    Thank you so much for your card you sent me. It was perfect timing and I appreciated it so much. thank you for thinking of me when you have so much going on in your own life right now!

    CANNOT wait to hear of the day that Cale gets to go home. You will see so much improvement when that happens!

    Sincerely,
    Randi Stump

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  5. Kathleen! I haven't read your blog for almost a month. And so much has happened. good and bad. Thinking about you and Cale right now.

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  6. Love you girl.
    See you soon, I have hugs waiting.
    Julie H.

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  7. Love to you ! PRAYING for you both, everytime we get up in the morning and throughout the day we pray for Caleb's continued healing, for your knees to be strenghtend and your arms to be lifted - Love ya Reenie B

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