Friday, February 25, 2011

Is this for real?!

I have been flooded with thoughts and memories this morning. Partly my fault…

First, I think we figured out a good routine in the morning. This morning was the first time trying it out, so we’ll see how the next few days go as we try it out? Once we were ready, I spent some time reading my Bible and working on a study I started last month. Between yesterday and today, there have been some things that have really stood out to me and either challenged or warmed my heart.

I was reading in Isaiah yesterday and in the previous chapter, I had written a note from when Cale was deployed in 09. The verse that I had marked was Isaiah 60:20 “For the Lord will be your everlasting light. Your days of mourning will come to an end.” I was thinking about how amazing it is that it says everlasting light. Not just for a while or for a season, but an everlasting light-it never runs out. In Revelation it says, “And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. The nations of the earth will walk in its light and the rulers of the world will come and bring their glory to it.” I think we can’t even begin to imagine how magnificent His light will be.

When I look at this last year (or even through our whole marriage), in such darkness, the Lord has (and continues) been my light.

In my study Beth Moore writes, “Sometimes life is so atrocious that surviving is its own great achievement and a strange proof of sorts that God must exist.”

Then she asks:

Based on your life or someone else’s (including any historical figure), can you think of an example when survival was in itself a crowning achievement?

How in the world have I made it this far and not fallen a part? I read in my journal from the first few days after the accident (this is where the hard part of the day started), and all I could think was how in the heck did I get through that? What was I thinking? Even in the midst of the pain and confusion that was occurring and even with the struggles of Cale fighting for his life, I have smiley faces and hearts written from a pen I was holding…uh…

Every time that Cale even moved slightly, I have exclamation marks right after writing about it. As I read through, I couldn’t help but feel the excitement from those early days of everything that we were clinging to and every moment that brought hope swimming with it. Since then, I still find myself in a state that is so foreign from anything that is created from my flesh.

The mere fact that I have survived this journey thus far, IS in itself a miracle and a true hand of God. Please do not be mistaken!

At this point, I am unable to fully grasp the light the Father offers and wants and desires to shed on His children. I can’t even fathom, but I do know that up until now (and I’m sure will be continued!), the tiniest sliver that has been so evident in my life, has given me the ability to walk daily with joyful steps and some Hallelujahs thrown in!

Maybe there are others that have faced way more extensive hardships then what I’ve ever had to face successfully without Yahweh, but I can boldly share with you, that Kathleen Darling would have failed miserably and fallen into a million pieces that would have never been able to be put back together, if it wouldn’t have been for God’s amazing grace.

Cale has been a little easier frustrated today. Shortly after me having a very sweet moment with the Lord this morning, Cale became upset about the mention of therapy. That seemed to cause a spiral of emotions that I can’t even name if I pulled them out of a hat. It wasn’t that he was upset that bothered me; it was the fact that I had just read about how I so longed for him to just “wake up” so that we could continue life where we left off. Hmm…that’s not exactly what happened. Cale never hit a point that he just woke up, and we for sure didn’t just pick back up where we had left off. In my journal I had written with much confusion, “Has our life changed forever because of this or only for a few months?” I was desperate for so many answers and as the first year post injury has unfolded, I have become very aware of what we’ve lost.

Thankfully, I can be reminded and let out tears, but I don’t need to let myself stay there. Cale gave me a really big hug when I told him I was having a hard time. Also, I am overwhelmed with the way that God is showing His precious love through people. I don’t even know what to say. As I’ve said before, the words "thank you" seem so small and simple compared to the way we have been so blessed. With a few texts I received today, some packages, and sweet cards…the Darling’s are so incredibly thankful for you.

Along with being reminded of the hard stuff, I’m also reminded of how far Cale has come. Like…crazy far! Last night we played cards, watched a movie, and had a nice time getting to cuddle before we both conked out. While we were watching How to Train a Dragon, it was fun getting to talk about the movie and listen to Cale’s laughter. This morning after breakfast, I was thinking about how things really are great. Again, I have to wonder, how is this possible? I love being with him and the new life that we’re starting as a married couple again. There are so many moments through the day that make me smile because I am blessed beyond belief. God’s painting of our life is way out of this world beautiful and we can only see a tiny bit! This whole living together thing…yep, I like it…!

So…that was a lot of thoughts that needed to come out :)

Cale played some hockey in pt, but wasn’t the fondest of it for some reason. He also walked Ivy another therapy dog. It’s always so great to watch these dogs stay at such a slow speed with Cale. When he walks with out his walker, it’s very slow going. He kind of steps and then stops right now. These dogs will step and stop with him! We’re hoping/working on trying to get his steps to become a more fluent movement, but that’s also a little slow going. It'll come though!

We decided to venture out and brave the cold this afternoon. I had brought up the idea to stay inside where it’s warm, cuddle up with a movie, and eat pasta, but Cale wanted to get out of the hospital so that’s just what we did. On the way back, it was dark out and I took the wrong turn on the highway. I had Amelia to help, but at that point all she could tell me was, “recalculating” Hmm…then, to get turned around we had to go on a scary side street. My trunk always pops open, so I pulled over to shut it so we could continue on. When I got back in the car, Cale said, “Let’s pray.” Wow. It was such a special moment. Does anyone remember me writing how I was praying for Cale to start having initiation with the Lord? He was the one that wanted to pray and ask God to get us back safely. A moment I’ll treasure!

He’s now looking at me and repeatedly asking to play cards, so I better get this posted!

By the way, if you’re reading this, I happen to think you’re great… :)

7 comments:

  1. Tamara L. Host2/26/11, 1:26 AM

    Kathleen,
    You're human...Tears are allowed...It is so great when I get to catch up on you and Cale. I am constantly amazed at how well he has progressed over the past year. It truly is nothing short of a Miracle from God. I wish you and Cale the best year ever this year. God knows you both deserve it. I would have fallen apart long before now. You both are very strong in many ways. I honestly believe that God is using you both to help make others believe in him and to have faith. Hugs to you both.

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  2. Kathleen,

    Oh dear one, I continue to read your blog every morning and rejoice over the great and mighty ways God is working in your lives.

    I came across this quote last week and it seems to mesh beautifully with what you've written.

    “Sometimes God allows us to see the miracle. Sometimes God allows us to BE the miracle.” - Pastor Steven Furtick.

    You are BOTH miracles!

    Praying God will continue to give you both the strength to persevere!

    Blessings and hugs,
    Cyndee in NC

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  3. Kathleen, His grace is so very evident to everyone who reads your posts. Everything you wrote today is so true. None of us would come out alive if it weren't for His wonderful pouring out of grace and some of us have a lot more to deal with than others. God Bless you both. I have another quote for you today. "A great many things in God's divine providences do not look, to the eye, like goodness. But faith sits down before mysteries such as these and says, "The Lord is good, therefore, all that He does must be good, no matter how it LOOKS. I can wait for His explanations."

    Love you girl,
    Julie H

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  4. Kathleen, I am honored to be a part of your journey. Father has given you the gift of sharing your thoughts. All I can think to say, is W O W !!!! You know, I think the reason you took a wrong, was to give Cale the opportunity to say "Let's pray". Father has shown me in my life, when I want a certain characteristic in myself...well, the only way I get it is with opportuinties to practice it. I love you, Marion By the way Ben has "How to Train Your Dragon". It is fun. :)

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  5. Kathleen !!!!!!! Amazing Grace how sweet to see in such as life lived as thee...... God's grace is what carries us and enables us to remain strong, not break or wither under the pressures and pains of life. Journaling is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself- because you can see where you were and what you were feeling, and also see what God did, who he is , and Where you are now. I call it recalling the goodness of the Lord. It should be done often. You are in a new season. You have so much divine in you it just spills out all over us who read your blog daily and get soaked - Thanks for the shower of God's goodness, his faithfulness and his love....BTW I KNOW you are pretty great yourself- Hugssss to you as you travel along singing HIS SONG side by side...........Blessings Reenie

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  6. Ahh, reflections! I believe reflections let us see where we've been, where we're going and yes, God uses those to show us if we need to "re-calculate"! See, we have a GPS in God, and he's the best at helping us to re-evaluate the situation, the crisis and even the triumphs to make sure we're headed where He wants us to go. You're on the right track if you're allowing God to help you re-calculate, because it means you're listening!
    Blessings to you and Cale, and praise God for Cale's initiation in prayer!!!!

    Love,
    Terri

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  7. It is OK to be sad for what you have lost, it is called grieving, and congratulations, You are Normal! You have amazed me in your strength every step of the way. I look at how poorly I have reacted to much less, and know that it is by G-d's amazing grace that you have survived! You are such a testimony! Don't feel like you have to be perfect or cheery all the time though.
    Awesome that Cale wanted to pray!

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