Saturday, April 9, 2011

fearless at the cliff.

BBQ last night and party today! All of Cale's family came together and gave him a very special welcome home party. It was great for him (and me!) to get to see everyone and hopefully spark some memories and connections in that brain of his!

Here are a few snap shots from the day... :)







God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him. We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom (sometimes the way this journey feels), courageous in seastorm and earthquake (the ups and downs and twist and turns everyday), Before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains. Jacob-wrestling God fights for us (he fights for Caleb and Kathleen!), God-of-Angel-Armies protects us (He protects us from collapsing!). -Psalm 46:1-2(The Message)

I need prayer. After the picture above, I'm sure you can only imagine...but, it's for real. We've been home a week now, and it's been great-amazing-an incredible blessing! Things are still hard though. The journey that we're on is still going. Cale is still facing a lot of obstacles, and I'm still trying to be the best wife I possibly can for him-but, it gets hard. Along with things being so good, they've also been challenging. Tonight we had another one of those moments.

I knew that coming home wasn't going to make it all better, but I had hoped that it kind of would...you know? I was thinking that with Cale out of the hospital and home, that he would be so completely over joyed to be home, that things would become a little bit more easier going then before. Well, that might have been the case if Cale thought of this as home! I think I've written before (I might have just talked with people about it), Cale is still asking for his home home. Not only is he asking for home he had before, but when he's asking, he says that this is my home and he wants to go to his home. He pictures us as living in two different homes...

This could be from many things and be a thought process of several things, but knowing all the reasons doesn't help the pain that my heart hears every time he says it. When I question him of who we are, he does say we're married, but I think he still thinks of the time that he lived with his mom when we were first dating. I want so badly for this to be his home home with me, and yet, we almost daily now have the talk about him asking to go to his home, his other home.

This evening I didn't even know how to respond. For him it's the first conversation about this, but for me, I've repeated and gone over it a dozen and two times already! He's sad and I try so hard not to lose sight of how he feels and where he's coming from.

I thought to myself, will I make this Lord? Will I be able to continue on this rocky road with so much stamina and passion? Will he ever understand our life again? Will he ever fully be my man again?

I love the verse above because as I face this cliff of doom, I can look at it fearless. I was so encouraged by the wording of this version! I felt as though I was being pumped up as I read it, like a boxer before going into the ring to fight. Tonight is tonight and every time I get discouraged, hear words that are hard to digest, face mountains that seem impossible, or feel as though my tank is on empty, I can remember to face it fearlessly and know that we are being fought for and protected! They just seemed like the perfect words I needed to hear!

Please continue to pray for us and the daily life of being home. Again, it's such a blessing and a bazillion times better than the hospital, but, it's still a long road for the Darling's.

Thank you!

7 comments:

  1. I can only imagine the torment that you feel as Cale expresses that he wants "home"... my heart aches and breaks for you. However, I know that the Lord has brought Cale through a terrible "eye of the storm", and now he's walking the two of you out of the path of devastation. In this walk, things look different, feel different (especially Cale) and it's because things have changed. Yet, God is still there, the two of you are still there, and God will continue to walk by your sides until you reach the the safe zone... that home again. As Cale settles into life (since he does not see the before and after), I truly believe God will bring him to a point of acceptance of his new life, his new home, and it will be one of the grandest feelings you've not yet felt. Yes, you've made it past the critical care, a major portion of the rehabilitation, but remember that God is still walking you into that new life! You may arrive at this new life a little ahead of Cale, but God will not leave His work unfinished. God is amazing, He will not leave us or forsake us, and He will not disappoint! May God give you peace and comfort as you continue on this path.

    Terri W

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  2. Kathleen,
    I know this is so very difficult for you. You both have come a long way, and you are an incredible wife and a trooper. I pray that you will have someone come along side you that can help with advice, respite, and anything you need. Know we continue to pray. Vicky

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  3. Oh, honey, I just can't imagine what you are going through. Yet, Father knows exactly what you are feeling. He's there to hold you up and give you EXACTLY what you need. You said this. While not being in the hospital is good, it was a bit of security, too. My heart is so full. I love you so very much and wish I could help you, and take you out of all this. Yet, if I could, it would be like the story of the butterfly. A small boy was watching a butterfly emerge from its chrysalis. It was strugling. The boy watched awhile, then thought to help with the strugle. He broke the chrysalis, freeing the wing. What he didn't realize at first, but then saw, was the wing needed the strugle to make it strong. Because of the "help", the wing is was forever crippled, and never could fly. Another, story...my husband has a habit of sawing enough logs for a fort every night. Most times I wouldn't wake him up. Once in awhile he would wake me up, saying I was snoring and he couldn't sleep. That made me cry, and get angry. I was growling to Father, if I woke him up every time he snored, HE WOULD NEVER sleep!!! For me, my attitude sure became sour(lack of sleep didn't help). One time while grumbling to Father, He managed to get through with "I can change you". What that told me was instead of asking for my hubby not to snore, was to ask Father to have me not hear it. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. It took awhile for it to come to pass, but I truly don't mind the snoring anymore. I know this isn't exactly like what you are going through, BUT I also know, while Cale may never change, Father can change your responce to it. I don't know what that change might be, but at the very least, I would think it would be to take away the pain you feel. Many of the things in my life I've prayed about weren't alway changed, but how I responded/reacted to them was. I love you my friend. I am truly grateful to Father, He has your mom with you...say, I just thought, could that be part of the confusion in Cale's mind. Did he come to see you when you were living with your mom? This said, I am glad she is there. There is something about being able to talk with our mother's that make things much better. Hugs to all three of you. I continue to trust Father for all of you, Marion

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  4. Dear Kathleen,
    You know I also hope and pray that coming home, being with Family and friends will wake Cale's brain. I still think it will happen, but I guess I want it yesterday. We have to be patient. I will continue to pray for both of you every night, Kathleen. It's only been a short time that you have been home, so hopefully it will become "HOME" to Cale as more memories are created, and time passes.
    It has to be so hard, and I wonder how you manage to carry yourself from day to day, but then I realize it is your strong faith that has gotten you this far, and it will continue to carry you!
    As I close, please know I think of you often, I still read your blog, and I still pray for you and Cale.
    All My Love,
    Lorri C.

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  5. So sorry Kathleen I am sure this is hard on both of you. I also know that God has provided the Grace for you to walk this out and I have seen you embrace it! With that being said I am also moved by the pain you must feel, knowing that Caleb just isn't at a place of understanding all that is happening or all that has happen. There is a verse in the Bible about God recalling to our rememberance things....I can't think of the refrence right now I will try to find it- but I am going to begin praying for total recall on the things that Caleb can't bring back and also continue to pray God's restoration of Caleb's mind. Love to you and Caleb!!! Believing that God will show you how to rise above this present storm and fly with the wings of an eagle !!!! Love you ((())) Reenie !


    "Take courage my love ...I've already one the battle " (Hannah Hayner's song :) )

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  6. Kathy Beckett4/10/11, 8:19 PM

    Kathleen,
    Thank you for sharing so honestly with us. I will be praying very specifically for Cale to begin to accept your new home as his own home. I am so sorry this is a part of your journey, but I trust that one day soon we will be rejoicing in Cale's improvement in this area... as we have so many, many times before! Your home is beautiful & a testimony to the love of so many friends and family. Love to you both!

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  7. Kathleen,
    Until Cale can fully be your man again, let God be your man. He is the Man anyway, right? Let him be your shelter and your strong tower. I am sure this is bringing up wounds you have in your heart already. This a chance to let God heal those. Praying for you, gal.

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