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Monday, April 11, 2011

a punch in the gut…

Ouch. That’s kind of what this afternoon felt like. I’m not going to lie. I didn’t take the news like a tough Football player, rather like a little kid screaming and kicking when my favorite toy was taken away from me.

The toy is my home.

We only thought we were done with Seattle and hospitals, but I found out today, that’s not the case. We had an appointment with the Radiation Oncologist at University of Washington about the tissue that was left after Cale’s surgery in January. I had been told that radiation might have to happen, but I was so, so, so hoping that it wouldn’t need to be done. In fact, when we had first looked at that option before surgery, I was told that cancer down the road might be a risk, so, we went for surgery.

We were told today that the tumor that was found in Cale (click here to read the post about it)is very rare. It is benign, but it acts as if it was cancerous in the way that it grows. The tissue that was left behind is still near the optic nerve and brain structures. They do feel it’s best to get this taken care of as soon as possible because it will continue to grow, and the fear is that neurological damage can take place.

This means, that in a couple-few weeks, we’ll be back in Seattle for another 4-5 weeks.

Hearing this is when I started the kicking and screaming. Please no! We just made it home and I’ve been loving it…ugg.

I sat there as the doctor was talking and tried to think of every possible verse that I could. Any reasoning that helped not make it all sound so terrible. I tried to come up with all the different lines that could bring some kind of comfort, yet nothing was helping. The tears started to come slow at first; one tear slid down my cheek and then another. As the doctor continued talking, the tears seemed to speed up until they were coming one right after the other.

Mascara all over the face.

Once the doctor left the room, I couldn’t stop the tears. I hate this. We finally just made it home and the thought of having to live out of a suitcase again, have everything interrupted, eat frozen meals, be with Cale 24/7 (he’s not the problem…lack of girl time is), sounds not-so-fun. Leaving home is the hardest part, and then all the side effects on top makes it...ugg. That's all I can say, "ugg."

Out of all the mess of the appointment, God knew it was going to be hard, He knew what my needs were going to be, and once again, He provided!
Rachel had joined us for the trip! She was also at the appointment that I had in Palo Alto with the ENT, which had been really challenging as we discussed the surgery. She was with me again today, helping to take notes and digest what was being said, when I wasn’t able to focus.

Also, today wasn’t me comforting Cale and taking care of him-he took care of me! He comforted me and was so sweet when I was so upset! It was so special and he continued that until right before I started typing all of this. So neat!

Rachel and I talked on the way home, and again, I tried to come up with all the reasons why it’s all going to work out and be ok, but, I’m still in a slight funk because I’m not loving this idea at all! Just the thought makes me so sad and frustrated.

Although, it’s super fantastic that it’s only 4-5 weeks instead of 6-7 weeks!

That was my attempt of thinking positive.

More to do with Cale and him taking care of me today; here’s a list of things that makes Kathleen smile… :)

I asked what the difference was between crocodiles and alligators. Cale said, “Their size.” He said that one of them was larger. I asked him if there was anything else and he said what they eat is different. When we questioned him on this, he said, “crocodiles eat meat and alligators eat trees and sand.” Uh, I think alligators were given the short end of the stick! Haha!

We were sitting in the doctor’s office waiting, trying to find different ways to entertain ourselves. Cale was doing a pretty good job of taking that job on. At one point we look over at him and he’s picking his nose. When we said it was gross and handed him a tissue, Cale said it was too late. When we asked why, he said, “I flick it on the floor!” I know this is really gross and may not be completely appropriate to share, but it was hilarious especially since we’re sitting in the scope room at the hospital!

When the doctor first came in, he was asking Cale what he used to do for work. The resident had already asked Cale earlier on, but this time he had a hard time getting it out. His first answer was, “EMT” I’m not quite sure where that came from, other than we were at a hospital. We were able to get Army out and then the doc asked Cale what he did in the Army. He again had a hard time getting it out, but I could tell he was really trying. Finally Cale blurts out, “Smart Guy!” It was really funny and cool all at the same time because he was an Intelligence Analyst for the Army…and that’s the only way he could get it out! Yes, my husband the smart guy! ;)

The appointment was a lot longer than we had all been thinking and we were tired. Not too long after getting on the road, Rachel asks Cale if he would teleport us home. Cale at first said it was impossible, but then about a minute later, I suddenly feel this hand grab the back of my head and start doing a tightening motion, while at the same time, Cale was in the backseat making crazy noises! Mission failed...but giggles were completed!

The best part of the whole day was tonight lying in bed with my sweet husband. I was talking about the first video I had made and then he asked to see it. After it finished, Cale said, “I’m sad.” I asked him why and he replied, “The video is sad.” He had never had that reaction before, so I asked why the video was so sad. For the first time, Cale responded with, “Because I got hurt.” He has never had that reaction! He has watched that video so many times, and never has he actually said that he has been hurt! After that, I talked with him for a couple minutes about everything. He was really sad and grabbing onto me; he was asking when he was going to be all better. I told him I had no idea, but that we should ask God.

Cale’s prayer started like this, ““Dear God, I was hurt in a car accident a long time ago. I want to be all better.” After telling God about how he was sad that he had been hurt and how he wanted to go home (…even though we are home), he ended his prayer with, “I love you though God.”

In that moment, Cale was feeling a lot of hurt and pain. For him, it was like the first time just finding out he was hurt. The hard thing is, it most likely (if it’s anything like it has been), won’t stick. What I really loved was that He expressed his emotions very clear and then after he was done, he made sure to let God know that even though this happened to him, he still loves Him.

We ended our prayer time with thanking the Lord with how far He has brought Cale and ALL the healing that had happened. It was such a precious time with him, and I hope the beginning of him becoming even more aware!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

I love this man-even though it means walking through the desert so that I can stay with him...

She really is one of those friends, that have been there for me through the thick and the thin!

I'm so blessed (and a little short looking next to these two...!)


  1. GAH Kathleen. What a bummer. Praying for you! We know God definitely has a plan, but sometimes the plan is a surprise! ...and kind of a bummer of a surprise at that. You made me smile with your 6-7 week rationalization. :) Love you girl. :)

  2. Ah Kathleen ... my heart breaks with yours and tears flowed as I read this. We will continue to pray not only for a complete healing of that tumor but for complete peace and joy for you. I was reminded of a verse that says God will not give us more than we can handle. Many times I have cried out and told God that I cannot handle any more. And every time God whispers "Child, I am here. Lean on me, trust me, I won't let you down." It was not easy and I have not gone through anything like you are going through but our God is a big God. Keep Smiling! =] You guys are a true inspiration and testimony of God's Amazing Grace.

    Love and Prayers,
    Watertown, NY

  3. BOY!! Kathleen!!!!! Father has some wonderous gifts for you. He is giving you some seemingly desperate times. He's chosen you for some rewards the rest of us will rejoice in your having. In the natural this looks SO HARD. I think this is where in the footprints in the sand, Jesus is carrying you. I love you, an' love you, an' love you more. Hugs, Marion

  4. Kathleen,
    I totally understand. I have to say, I smiled when I read the part of how you were going though all the various Scriptures because I can so relate. You are handling it well, and I am thankful that your friend is there with you. The Lord will continue to meet you, as you know. Praying for all of you.

  5. Kathleen, so sorry for your latest news on the tumor but also believe that God can take it out even before you get back to the hospital! Love that Caleb has started to have compassion for himself, that he sees that he wasn't always like this and that he wants to be all better - Mostly though I love that Caleb who is struggeling with this journey in ways we can not possibly imagine is able to say "I love you though God" ... We who have not been through 1/2 his struggels don't always get this !!!!!! God is good always - forget not his bennifits - Go CALEB what an awesome testimony !!!!!! The absoulute best God has for us is sometimes found in a journey we would have chosen to NOT take - but HE is faithful to show us his wonderous love as we travel along singing a song side by side......Still praying for complete healing which now includes no tumor! Love to you and Caleb praying for you !!!!Love you Reenie

  6. PS love that it says 11 AM - I just gained 3 hours if I stay on your

  7. You are both walking through the fire...but you will not be consumed by it. It will refine and strengthen you like the pure Holy love of God...
    I love how you love each other...when you are down, Cale holds you up...when you are both down, God carries you...

  8. OH Girl, God is always at work and He is always listening to our prayers!! Beth Moore said tonight in our Bible study on the Tabernacle: The only thing between your prayers and God is the very thin veil of this material world. He is right there listening and even acting on our requests......right now!!! He is faithful. He is always beside you. You keep your chin up and your vision lifted high. He's gonna bring you through to a glorious end in this trial!!! Love, Julie H.


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