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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My husband.

Yesterday was a pretty busy day, but a really good one too! Part of Cale’s command from Ft. Lewis came to hang out, and see where we live. I loved getting to have them here! It felt so much less…formal? I’m not usually worked up when I go to Ft. Lewis (and I maybe should be a little more…), but it’s still so formal, so having them here was so nice and relaxing! We went to lunch with them at Olive Garden and can I just say, darn those warm seasoned soft breadsticks?! Man, those things get me every time! I can never just have one…so I have several. Oops. Haha!

Right after lunch, I was daring and asked Cale to go grocery shopping with me. I figured with our tummies full, it may be the best time we could go and stick to the list, when does that ever happen? I was thinking he might be tired, but I decided to be optimistic! He pushed the cart around the whole time, we only bought what was on the list, and it was a success! He was tired by the end and let me know that we needed to leave right then. There wasn’t too much on the list, so I was able to give him the answer he wanted! His mom told me yesterday that when he was over on Saturday, she was telling him that she needed to go grocery shopping, but didn’t want to. He asked her why and she told him she didn’t like going just like he didn’t like going. He said that shopping was ok. When she said that, no he didn’t like shopping he said, “I do when I get what I want!” Haha! So, if I let him make the grocery list, it would be his favorite shopping trip! ;)

Once we were back to the car, my digging for keys while walking had come to a stop-I was now pulling things out of my purse. I couldn’t find them anywhere! I searched the bags and just to be sure, I asked Cale if he had taken them out because he gets a kick out of doing that. No where. I left Cale by the car because his legs were so tired of walking he didn’t want to leave. I told him not to talk to anyone and not to move a muscle! We prayed together that God would help us find the keys and then, I headed back in the store to retrace the path we had taken…nothing. I asked the customer service and at that time, no one had turned keys in. I was trying not to be frantic and had called Mama to see if she could bring the spare key. When I got back to Cale, he was being a good sport, but also letting me know that it was windy (he hates the wind on his skin now) and he was tired. I couldn’t help but start digging again…and guess what? I found them! I have a little zip pouch in my purse that I keep the important stuff like, lip gloss and hand sanitizer. I never NEVER put my keys in there, but I must have yesterday! Quick call to Mama to let her know we had the keys! Another adventure! ;)

During the morning while we waited for his command and after returning home from the store, we played crazy 8’s. It’s been a while that I set everything aside and just played with him for such a long time. He didn’t lay down and rest, so we had a lot of time to play. It was so much fun! Alot of times I play the cards (or don’t play) in a way that will let him win. Occasionally I’ll still win a couple, but for the most part I let him win. I played so many games yesterday that even when I was playing normally, like I would with anyone around me, he STILL won! It was game after game after game! When it was almost 9pm, I kept saying, “Just one more game!” because I wanted to beat him! He of course loved the fact that he had his wife beat! We had a blast together!! We laughed a ton and he was even picking on me again!

Before the accident I would have never gotten away with naming our dog Basil. Cale would have never let that happen! Nothing has been said about it since he’s become more aware and had learned our dogs name. I’ve kind of been waiting, as daily Cale will ask me what our dogs name is. While we were playing cards yesterday morning, he informed me that the name I picked was dumb! Haha! It’s funny because our friends that gave Basil to us had named him Rocky and then I changed it. Robby made fun of me and said, “Why couldn’t you name him something manly like, Crushed Red Peppers?” We laughed so hard about it, but I’m pretty sure Cale was thinking the same thing yesterday! I happen to love the name!

I’m still seeing little bits of memory improving!!! It’s so incredible to see! A couple days after Cale had fallen; he was showing me the scrape on his arm. I asked if he remembered where that came from and he said that he had fallen over a little kid. I asked him where and he said down stairs. I kept pushing for more info because I was so amazed that he remembered that! I asked where it was at and he said outside! He didn’t remember it being here, but he did remember specifics about the fall! Carly had been in front of him, and he tripped over her and fell off the stairs.

Then, yesterday (again as we’re playing cards) he asked me a question and in Spanish I replied with “I don’t know.” I think yes and no are the only other two things I know how to say! After I said that, Cale tried to reply in Spanish but didn’t know how. I couldn’t help him with my super limited knowledge of the language, so we were stuck. Cale then says, “Mark knows how!” My mouth dropped open-I had to force it to form, “Mark?” “Yeah! Your cousin.” He very quickly replied. “My nephew?” I’m asking still in shock. “Yeah, He knows!” I’ve written about how Mark has been coming over every day the last week to help me out around here. Well, he’s also been speaking Spanish to Cale! Of course he has no idea what Mark is saying, but it’s fun and Cale seems to enjoy it. Cale even wanted to call Mark to ask because he wasn’t going to be coming over yesterday. He remembered the person and the fact that Spanish was being used! He connected so much in one little situation!

It was another moment that I just couldn’t help but feel like bursting! It’s so far from Cale not remembering something from 2 minutes previous! His memory is still very much in and out, but oh my stinkin’ goodness!!!! Can you believe it?! I’m just so crazy happy about that. Goodness!

I wasn’t able to post last night because we had a really hard night. It’s the hardest and most painful we’ve had yet. I’m pretty sure I failed at having complete control of my emotions. I keep being told all the time to not take it personal, to not get on the roller coaster with him, to know that it’s not words or actions that he means, but the sting of every bite-still stings. The venom seems to head straight for my heart and last night I ended on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out wondering how I could make this all go away. I was so desperate for my husband-the man that I married to come wrap his arms around me. I have never felt as lonely as I did last night. I cried out to God; screaming in my thoughts. I know He’s there-He is always there. I needed my husband there too. When I talk about it or think it through I know that he does not mean what he said. I know that in that moment, his brain and all the crazy connections are acting out, I know that it’s a blessing for him to act out, but can I tell you something? It was all over me trying to get him to take his night time meds. Then suddenly I’m being called a liar, being told that he doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t want to be my husband, and that I’m stupid. Water went everywhere, words were spoken, and I cried. It hurt so bad. So bad. Even now as I sit here and type, the tears race right back to ride on a waterfall down my pillow printed cheeks. Finally, I had to pull myself off the floor, walk to my husband who was sitting on the bed soaked and confused, and help him get into dry clothes. I went and got a blanket to cover the wet sheet on his side of the bed, and helped him get tucked in. The tears were still flowing and I wasn’t able to speak, but he needed to be taken care of. The pain was so raw and all I wanted to do was be mad at this man, but he needed me. As I walked around the bed, and pulled the covers over me, Cale lifted his arm around me and pulled me into his chest-and I wept. Cale held me without any words. I then began with the big bubble in my throat and through the sobs to tell him that I was so sorry we were in the accident and I was so sorry that this all happened. I just wish I could take it all away. Right after the words all managed to come out, Cale squeezed me and said, “Its ok. I love you.”

He didn’t remember what had just happened as far as details, and what was said. He knew that I was hurting and that everything was ok because he loves me and I love him.

After such a sweet tender moment that I will never forget, we went to bed cuddled up and he held me. My husband was there for me.

My husband is an amazing man that I love so deeply. Words can never describe the way the Lord has bonded us together and gave new meaning to “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” I’m so extremely thankful that I’m his wife.

I'm reminded of how so much changed over his first year and how far he has come. I'm reminded of how progress is still being made and how hard we worked for it...!


  1. OH girl, that is so rough. I am so, so sorry you have to go through this. I'm so sorry it was a struggle to get his to take his meds. Such a small thing. I will be praying for Caleb to take his pills easily, and for God to give you grace through these tough times. Thank you for writing so honestly. You are so very strong in Christ.

  2. Love you and praying. Will be praying for you through out the day today.

  3. Sweetie!! I have heard the same words from my husband. While he does know what he said,and can't seem to say the words "I'm sorry", I too know he is, sorry I mean. It's OKAY to not be able to control your emotions, as long as Father does. I remember at one point, telling Father I didn't think He would ever change my situation, much less my attitudes. Further more, I didn't care if He did or not. If He wanted anything changed He'd have to do it without me. All this was said in tears, at the top of my voice, and shaking my finger at Him. You know what!?!?!! He dildn't mind a bit. He just let me get it all out and gave me the incredible gift of peace that passes all understanding. I know the situation is different from yours, BUT the emotions are/were raw like yours. I love you and rejoice that Father has you in the palm of His hand. I just remembered a picture Father gave during one of those times. What makes the best fertilizer for a garden...manure. Our lives/marriages are a garden, the rough things are manure. Sometimes manure is needed to help our garden grow. Yup, sometimes it stinks too. With a smile, Marion

  4. Kathleen, so sorry, so very sorry , I can't even imagine what this has been like for you - BUT I do know Jesus can....He cried when he lost his friend John the Baptist, and he cried over Isreal not understanding WHO he was..... He felt the sting of the words when they were unjust and said by those he loved.He was abused and did nothing to deserve it - I know that the words did not just roll off HIS back, he used them to fule him to complete his LOVE JOURNEY ..... YOU know the heart of Caleb,and that is where the listening must always take you - to his heart - and to the Father's heart as well. Jesus is interceeding for YOU Kathleen, and Caleb. He is praying for you, in those very moments he has not left you alone but he is asking the Father for things that you need - that girl, YOU don't even know, but He loves you so much - and he is doing the same for Caleb!!! I loved that even though Caleb didn't remember his words he could tell you were hurt and HE wanted to make it better - He has compassion for you, He has come so far and will continue to move forward! I am believing for a miracle in the med department : That God would put HIS peace that passes ALL understanding on Caleb when it is time for him to take his meds - he will be de-fused and not have any reason not to take them - happily ;) Going to start praying that ASAP!!!!! ((())) hugs to you - I am praying for you and Caleb daily that God will go before you and keep you both in his perfect peace, even as you face these difficulties that His Grace would go before you !!!!! Grace sweet Grace enables us to do Hard things ! LOVE you !!!!!

  5. Dear Kathleen,
    Just a short note to let you know I am still here, reading your posts. I still pray nightly for Cale and you.
    Just remember, you have sooooo many of us who do care and follow your posts!
    YOU are never alone, Kathleen!
    Lorri C.

  6. Hun all I can offer is prayers and cyber hugs.

    Casey Q

  7. Oh Katleen....Not sure if this will help ....but I heard this the other day & wanted to send it to you after I read this post. The song is s powerful....but so is her story (which is my 2nd post). Love being sent out to you! Judy




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