Sunday, June 5, 2011

Another prayer request...

Yesterday…

The weekends are when we have our counseling session. Last week, I had asked for prayer because I was troubled by the thought of having to talk about some of my struggles in front of Cale. He just doesn’t understand yet, and I had a really hard time with the idea of adding more confusion. I decided I was going to give it to the Lord and just know that He wasn’t going to ask me to do anything that wasn’t in line with His glory and plan. When the therapist came, she first talked about how because our time here is so short, she wasn’t going to get into all the deep stuff because then we would just be leaving. Then I was able to talk with her about what I think our needs are and we talked about possibilities for Cale. It was so great and even though we’re here for such a short time, she has been awesome and really supportive.

After all the talking, we did some art! The therapist was saying that with Cale’s barriers for communication, it might be nice to try other ways to get things to come out. We first started out doing separate pictures of words that she had given us, and then we ended with two different ones working together. Both of us really enjoyed working together! On one of my pictures, we were able to discuss, and it actually brought emotion out of Cale…very neat and interesting. I had more to say about it, but I have a lot to write…and I’m tired!



So…

After our session, we finished getting ready for the day and then both of us ventured out. It was SUCH a nice day! The sun was shining and the sky was blue! Yay! :) First I thought maybe we could attempt the Space Needle with just the two of us. We conquered the baseball game right? Well, with it being a Saturday and so nice out, the line was out the door! Never mind about that! We drove around looking for something fun to do outside and then ended up at the Waterfront Park. There were tons of shops and places to see, but Cale was losing energy, so instead we found a table in the sun and relaxed with multiple games of Crazy 8’s! I offered to take one for the team and join him for ice cream, but he refused! I was trying to be the sweet wife (or just really wanted ice cream!) and talk him into it, but he was perfectly content. Darn. ;)



Last night…

Was so hard. After finding out the news, all I wanted to do was check out. Turn off my system and let myself process and work through the emotions building up. I needed to help Cale though. We prayed together for our friend, but my mind wouldn’t shake the image of her and her smile…and the family. We played one game of Trouble that I had promised Cale, but as soon as it was over, I started sobbing. Cale experienced a moment of confusion…move the game, or hug the wife? Uh?

I love in these hard moments that have come, like when Dan passed away in April that the Lord shows up so powerfully through Cale. Most of the time it’s me comforting him and taking care of him, but those times when my heart is breaking, have become such tender times for us, I know that they’re a gift from God. Last night was one of those times. Cale just held me and kept saying, “I’m sad. I’m so sad for them. I’m sorry for them.” It took me so long to fall asleep, lost in my thoughts, fully knowing that people survive cancer every day. Fully knowing that God works miracles every day! Finally I was able to drift to sleep.

Today…

My alarm went off and with puffy tired eyes; I found my way to the bathroom and quickly showered and got ready for the day. Cale was also really sleepy, but he was able to get himself up and going with some encouragement from the wife.

We were so blessed to be able to join a family here for church. We haven’t gone since we left home, so it was a special treat to worship with believers again! We talked and prayed on the way to church that, us being sleepy wouldn’t be a distraction and that it would be a time full of blessings getting to visit with this family and be a part of church.

Afterwards we went out for Chinese which was…yummy!! It was a great time of visiting and stories. What stood out to me was how well Cale did with all the talking! This is one of the big stumbling blocks with hanging out with people and even going to church because there is so much talking and Cale isn’t able to process all the information coming in. It was so neat to see that he didn’t shut down while we talked and ate. One of the key helpers was that he was eating so that was able to keep him focused on something, but sometimes not even that helps. It was another blessing!

By the time we were back at the hotel after lunch, we were exhausted! The weekend fun and late nights caught up with us. I asked Cale if he wanted to take a nap with me and he said no! He wanted to play games. I didn’t think I was going to make it, and I knew he was tired, so I asked if we could at least lay down for 15 minutes. Well, not even 5 minutes after lying down, I was out! I know Cale followed along pretty quickly! Haha!

We didn’t sleep too long because we were having dinner with our friends Eric and Linn. Honestly, when my alarm went off to wake me up to get us ready to go, I wanted to call and cancel because my body just wanted sleep, but I also really wanted to see them! I nudged Cale for a bit and got him up and going. When I walked into the bathroom, I had pillow lines all over my face…nice.

Not a problem though! We freshened up and headed out the door. We ended up having a great time and the nap helped us be able to carry on a conversation! After dinner we went down to a little cupcake shop…that was SO tasty and had a treat! I loved every bite.



Tonight…

On our way back from the cupcake shop, I found out that one of the couples that we went to church with and was a part of our small group in NY has had some really hard news come today. The husband was deployed to Afghanistan and isn’t going to be coming home.

Oh man.

I sat there for a minute starring at the phone…can my heart take anymore?! We were still with our friends, so before we said good night, all four of us took turns praying for the family. When we left and were driving home, I just kept saying over and over, “Jesus, I trust You.” Once again, my heart is so sad.

I have this (probably bad habit) thing that happens whenever I hear of or see someone struggling and going through something really hard. I don’t know why I do it, or how to not do it, but so often when I think about them, and all that they must be thinking or feeling or emotions they may be experiencing, I must think about them too much, because I hurt so deeply and very often break down for them. Its small and big things; I can be in a grocery store and over hear a parent telling their child they can’t have those certain crackers because they don’t have enough money. I once started crying in the middle of Walmart because something like that happened. Cale was so confused when he came back from grabbing chips and finds his wife in the cereal aisle, holding a box of Fruit Loops in tears!

I just hate when people are sad and it always seems like I know how they must feel, even when I have no clue!

I’m kind of babbling now…sorry.

All that to say that when we got back to the hotel, I had no energy left in me. That’s when I have to rely only on the Lord to give me rest…and know that He is rest not just for me, but for all of those that are hurting that I can’t help.

Again, I ask for prayers for another family. A battle to cancer and a loss of a husband makes what I’m living through; seem like such a small thing…

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. –Psalm 62:1

4 comments:

  1. Leena Bean my prayers are with you & your friends in their time of need. Your heart is so full of love for others that you cry to release the burden. Have faith that all will be seen to for those in need. XOXOXOXOXO Big Sis Carla

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  2. I also feel so strongly for others... it is a gift to be able to feel so much. It allows us to pray in earnest, and to know how to just be there for them. ((Hugs))

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  3. I remember feeling so strongly too. I had thought about asking Father to make me tougher against the tears. I was reminded, if I became tougher against the tears, I would not be so sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I am glad you get to do so many neat things in Seattle. The Space Needle will be done at the right time. You will marvel at what Father has wrought for that trip. I will trust Father to hold that other family close to His heart in a special way. I love you, Marion

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  4. I too have been going through hearing of one person after another hurting in recent days. To the point I really didn't want to answer my phone or open another email because I felt my heart couldn't take it. The tears just kept coming. I began to feel really depressed and just wanted to sit there and have God answer my why's. All day I was struggling with hurting for them. I asked Him to speak to my heart because I was hurting so bad for them all and I felt I couldn’t take anymore on top of what I have already been going through. He spoke to my heart and reminded me that it wasn't meant for me to carry. That I needed to let go and give it all to Him, and just lean on Him. To trust Him. To love and pray but not hold onto the grief. Then the beautiful words of the David Crowder song Shine just started ringing through my head, “He has overcome, He has overcome.” I smile as I think about those words. Jesus has already overcome. How amazing.

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