Monday, October 24, 2011

Really tough.

It’s been a tough day. Really tough. The second half of my dinner was eaten with tears streaming down my cheeks. Some days are just hard.

I often think of a video game that I had played with Cale a long time ago. I remember my life tank was always flashing red and almost empty. He would tell me to hide and let my life grow again…well, there’s nowhere to hide from life and brain injury, but every time I submerge myself in the Word and in the presence of Jesus, I feel my life tank refill. With Him, it will never go empty.

Cale had OT and time with his RS today. OT didn’t go so well…his therapies haven’t been going great again. It’s hard when I see him getting so frustrated and not wanting to do anything when I know he needs it.

He also had a vision appointment and that went about as good as OT went. You know those machine things that they put in front of you and look in your eye? Cale shoved one of them out of the way with no hesitation. He was done.

It’s been really hard the last 6 days with Cale in almost a constant bad mood. The smallest things are setting him off, for instance, I sneezed three times earlier and that made him mad.

I’m not saying this to speak against my husband or badly of him, but to let you see even a sliver into how our days have been going and where we’re at. The anger and frustration start to wear me down when it’s so constant, but that’s why me being in constant prayer is so vital! My heart hurts for him because he just isn’t able to process, filter, and work through all of his emotions. His eyes bothering him could be the simple thing that triggers his negative emotions. It could be more…we just don’t know and he doesn’t know how to tell us. He was asleep by 7:15 tonight, so him being tired may have been a big deal for today.

Speaking of him being tired, he hasn’t taken a nap during the day since we were in NY! He has laid down with me asking, but never falls asleep. This took a little of “time I need” away, but it’s great if he’s moved out of that.

Praying us through each minute…I know we’ll get through this. We have an appointment with his doctor next Monday to look at Meds and what changes have been made and maybe still need to be made. I’ve also talked with his therapist and we’re going to try praying before every therapy session and when he starts getting upset, having them pray with him. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this before…!

My getaway today was making applesauce and then canning it while he was gone with the RS. My home smelled so good and I must say that my sauce turned out so tasty! I only had time to do 6 jars before needing to leave to his eye appointment, so I think there will be a little more tomorrow!

Funny time...

Cale said last night, "Eh, I think I should get money." I asked for what and he said, "for reading your texts to you. Can I?" I gave a funny look and started laughing and then he added, "kisses?" Haha!

8 comments:

  1. I read this on Amy's blog today (and in case you don't get time to seee it), I wanted to repeat it to you. I know it spoke to my heart because of a lot of stuff we're going through, so thought I'd share and hope that it ministers to you too!
    Eph. 3:16 I pray that out of His glorious riches Hey may strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being.

    Praying for you...
    Terri

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  2. Oh, my sweet Kathleen, I love you and am so grateful for you in my life. Thank you for telling us of your tough day...days. I wish I could give you a hug and help in some way. Yes, I CAN PRAY. It's not so trite a thing when we realize what a powerful weapon that is. Father has given us great authority, and that is the way to unleash it. I am saying this NOT because you don't know this, BUT BECAUSE I need to remember it. I have a difficult situation at my house. My granddaughter is going through some very difficult times at school. Not being mom, I can't "DEAL" with it as "I think they should be dealt with". My biggest part is TO PRAY and unleash the power of God in the situation, and to ask Father to keep my mouth shut. :) You are my treasure and I put you in the hands of a loving and all capable Father. Marion

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  3. Girl... that completely stinks. And I know you weren't writing that to garner pity or to complain, but I appreciate you giving us an honest glimpse into what you're going through. It's so difficult to deal with someone's grumpy moods, but with Cale, of course it's even harder since you can't say, "Um, do you see what you're doing here?" One thing I absolutely know is true, and that is that not ONLY has God placed you as THE greatest gift in Cale's life (2nd only to salvation, of course) but that God has placed this as a gift in your life to do an amazing work in you. James 1 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance (or 'patience' or 'endurance'). Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Kathleen, you are going to emerge from this more perfect and complete than you would have otherwise... and honestly, more than most of us. Keep the faith, stay strong, and keep on pressing forward. I am praying for you that God gives you a refilled tank today. I will also be praying that God renews Cale's joy and determination. You are such a mighty encouragement to me - and I am sure that when we are in Heaven, you will be blown away by the lives you have touched just by being faithful. I love you!

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  4. Amazing Love.

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  5. Oh my sweet darling daughter of the King...I know that sometimes life just seems so unfair..I love that song that goes " He sees each tear that falls, he sees me when I fall and hears me when I call." In some way or another Jesus has been through every emotion we frail humans have experienced or ever will..And I wish that I could give you more than that but this is my inspiration and you are mine..You keep hanging in there sweetheart and know that we are praying for you..For your strength and for your rest...And for Cale too..That Jesus would minister to his soul and calm him and give him a peace that surpasses all that even you dreamed. We love you!!!!

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  6. You know what? You manage to inspire me, even in your tough days. I posted earlier today about having my "breakdown", pretty much hitting the Recovery Wall, if you will. I felt somewhat guilty for sharing it, but I always want to be authentic and let people know how I really feel too.

    And then what happens? I come here and read about how you shine even in the storm. Like I said, you inspire me. And I love the idea of praying before therapies. I don't know why I'd never thought of it but I'm totally stealing it! :-D

    Bless you!

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  7. I am praying tonight that God wraps his arms around Cale and helps to calm him. I am also praying for your continued strength. You are only human. Don't ever feel guilty for your emotions. Shed your tears and allow God to wipe them away.
    You have an amazing support system. Lean on your friends and family when you need to. Wish I could be there to help you through all of this :)
    Mandy Anderson

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  8. I ditto what Shari said. You just shine girl even through the tears:) I wish I could be there to wrap my arms around you and cry with you. I am not there so I'm asking Jesus to hold you for me:) Love you. Julie H.

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