Wednesday, March 6, 2013

emotions. gut. ugh.


"Living life with a brain injury doesn't define us; it's just an added adventure as we walk towards Jesus." -kd

The other day I could feel my heart having a bit more trouble than usual. It was extra heavy and I was almost in tears for most of the morning. My desire for a baby was so intense and the hurt I felt over not having a baby was so thick. A couple times it felt like I needed to force myself to take a breath, like I had to help myself breathe by making the effort. 

I know that God has His perfect timing. I know that He knows the desires of my heart. I know that what I think having a baby looks like for us may be something completely different in the plans that God has for us. Scripture was being spoken as well as prayers for peace...but this time was so unlike other moments I've had and the emotions I've experienced. 

I felt overwhelmed as the minutes passed and my gut stayed twisted and my heart desperate. I didn't want to blab about it to anyone around me...and I didn't even plan to write about it here. My comfort came when I was able to send out texts to some of my prayer warriors and really know they were covering me in prayer. 

I don't even have an amazing ending to the story...just that Sunday was a big struggle and I'm thankful for so many of you that continue to lift us up and encourage even after we've been on this journey for so long. Thank you. 

Along with that, I find myself more often sitting and pondering how thankful I am. I'm thankful for how far Cale has come. I'm thankful we're blessed with a treatment center that is able to help with his anger. I'm thankful I have two arms and hands...that work. I'm thankful for the other patients that  we're surrounded by right now and the ones we've met while here. I'm thankful for the awesome staff here. I'm thankful we have a beautiful home to return to. I'm thankful for the friends in my life that actually are friends. I'm thankful for the packages and sweet cards so many of you send. I'm thankful. I'm thankful. I'm thankful. 

...and sometimes that's the only two words that form in my thoughts.

I'm thankful. 

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing that with us. I know it must feel so deeply personal but it helps me to know how to pray. I'm glad you are thankful. I am also so happy that the Lord is always with you and even though we fallible humans can "try" to help and comfort only the Lord's comfort will strengthen and comfort DEEP WITHIN you where your gut is twisted and your heart is desperate. That is where your prayer warriors came in and interceded for you. I know you know all this but it is good reminders for all of us. I was just telling my husband tonight that I don't know how people make it in this life without the Lord.
    I am so thankful I know Him.
    Praying for you--
    Emily J.

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  2. My Sweet, Sweet Kathleen, My heart cries with you. Yet, I rejoice with you in that you have more of Father than you started with. Baby has the RIGHT TIME to come. My son Benjamin was born at just the right time. Dave and I thought we should tell his mother what we were going to name our boy. (My mother knew...I didn't) Anyway, we named him Benjamin, after Dave's natural father. His middle name is Edward, after my dad, and of course Hansen, Dave's stepfather's name. Hwe would have all three grandfather's names. At first she thought that was pretty cool. As time went on......well.....it wasn't so cool. The thing was that Benjamin was due on my Dave's natural father's birthday, November 18th. Dave's mom wasn't, did I say wasn't happy. Well, Father in His mercy had Ben born 5 (His number for grace)early because He knew Dave's mom couldn't deal with a birthday on her ex-husband's birthday. My point is Father has the appointed time for your little one to be born. There are many lives that will be touched by the "Little Darling". Maybe his/her birthday will be a monumental blessing to someone, and that time isn't ready yet. I love you adn am honored to be a part of your journey. Marion

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  3. I always think of this struggle for you as I work in reproductive medicine and have for almost 10 years. I have been following you for a couple years and never comment but you are one of the most inspiring people I have ever "known". You have been so brave and so faithful and I pray that God will fulfill the desires of your heart in some way, although I don't know what that might be. Bless you both.
    -erin

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