His hands.

Three days and three posts. 

That hasn't happened in awhile! Haha! 

I actually have been struggling with something and at one point today decided I would share and hopefully you would be praying for us.

Within the last two weeks I had received some hard news about a program that Cale is involved in here. At this point I'm going to be vague-sorry. I asked to meet again with the Lady I had spoken with and then fretted. Like, really fretted as it led up to the day I was going to meet with her. Last week as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, I began to feel my breathing quicken. I was thinking about the meeting the next day and all the different outcomes that were possible. I started to pray asking God to still my heart and help me not to be anxious. I didn't want to stress about it! 

At about that time, God gave me this picture of me standing on a balance beam. My left foot was on it and my right leg and arm were out to the side. On the left side was God's hand. I was trying to balance but kind of wobbly and afraid. God said, "Kathleen, that's how you're praying. You're praying as if the result and me providing for you is by chance." I then pictured His other hand come to the right side of the beam. Not weak hands or wrinkled. Not small or fragile. They were strong thick hands. And then God said, "This is how you need to be praying and coming to me. I've got you no matter which way the meeting goes. I have you and always have and always will."

I still see the picture so clear. I feel as though I'm walking on this balance beam waiting to know how different things in life are going to go...but the difference with Jesus in my life is that I don't have to be scared walking across. I can be confident knowing that He has me. He has me. He has my husband. He has my daughter. He has my family. I can trust Him-no matter the outcome. 

As I laid there I was taken back and reminded to a few years ago when God had given me a different picture with His hands. Maybe you'll remember?

I was holding on to this tree branch and felt scared and was saying that I couldn't hold on any longer-I was going to fall. God said to let go and when I did, I was standing in His hands. He was holding me and I didn't need to fear or worry. 

One of you had drawn me pictures of it after I had shared about it. I tried to look back on the blog and couldn't find it so I'll have to do some more looking...

Anyways, as I laid there thinking about the picture He had given me and the one I was reminded of, I felt so encouraged and ready to have this meeting. 

The next morning I woke early and sat with my Bible open pondering what God had shown me and the confidence in Him that I needed to claim. A friend had shared a few verses with me which was exactly what I needed to read.

Later that day was the meeting and I honestly thought it was perfect. I was able to share my heart and I thought we were on the same page. I was thankful and able to relax. 

Well....

the afternoon of the 10th I received an email. Yuck.

It was hard. SO hard. In fact, it was shortly after posting on here when I read the email. It felt like a punch in the gut. 

Wait. What? What about the meeting? Didn't it go so well? Didn't we come up with a plan? 

I was so confused. Still am. 

I cried. 

We were having company over for dinner to celebrate Cale. I was trying to help Mama make tortillas and all I could do was sob. 

Lord, why did you move us here? Isn't this the opposite of what we were expecting??

I sucked up my tears long enough to enjoy our friends, celebrate Cale and even have fun playing Bingo...

BUT, I was still SO frustrated. I whined. I complained. I let myself feel discouraged and defeated. 

Honestly, just from me to you...

I know I've been overreacting. I have another meeting Tuesday and I'm sure it will all be just fine but I still don't understand. I'm still confused. I'm still discouraged...and well, frustrated and a little bit of me wanted to just be angry and not care about how I was actually supposed to be reacting.

Like, I didn't want to think about the picture God had given me just a week prior. 

Ask Mama. 

I haven't been handling this change very well. Part of it is timing and there's a few things all happening at once-which is still enough to make me get all fired up as I type...

But I won't. Instead, I'm choosing to surrender. I'm choosing to have full confidence that God's strong unwavering hands are right alongside me. I'm choosing (or at least trying) to not let doubt & discouragement overtake me. 

I'm writing about all of this so that I'm held accountable but also so that you can be praying. Also, what things in your life are you praying about as if life is all by chance rather than allowing God to give you confidence in His plan and His timing?  

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We had a little family morning at one of the malls in the area. We rode the "yeehaws" as Nora calls the carousel and the "choo choo" which is the little train that goes around. She also very much enjoyed a lollypop :)

thanks for letting me be real y'all.

(Now that we live in NC...I should be able to say y'all right?!)

ha.