Monday, May 28, 2012

Daily I surrender...

Friends, I’ve always been honest with you. I may sometimes leave a few details out or wait to share a few things, but so far along this journey we’ve traveled together, I’ve always let you see my heart and all that goes on in my little mind.
Tonight I’m coming to you for prayer.

I was able to get out of the house with just Mama this afternoon which hasn’t happened in way too long. It was good. I needed fresh air. I needed Mama to make me laugh and be silly with.

It’s been a challenging season with Cale. I’m not sure that I can quite pin when it started, my guess is Aprilish. Times like this are always in and out and even day to day we go up and down so much if you were in a plane, you’d vomit for sure.

Cale has no control. When he knows that he’s hurt me, it hurts him, but in the moment, there’s no reasoning, no understanding. Nothing outside of his little bubble matters, including his wife.

My heart breaks.

Over and over again.

I tell myself it’s only for a season. Lord, please let it be only for a season.

I try every possible tactic I can think of to help free us from those ugly minutes.

After they pass, he’s completely amazing in every way. Making my heart melt and dream.

He doesn’t know.

Sometimes, it’s a fit like a child, a tantrum when his way isn’t met. Frustrating…annoying…hilarious; a mix of it all.

Sometimes, it’s anger.

Day after day.

I find myself not as patient with him lately.

I try. I know it’s not him and that he doesn’t understand.
My heart breaks.

Over and over again.

So many tears.
One huge area I miss in our marriage?

Cale leading me spiritually.
He no longer has the initiation to lead in prayer, to bring the Lord into his day, or to lead me.

Some days, his standards, morals, and thought pattern line up with the way it all was pre-brain injury.
Some days, I have no clue where his thoughts, words, or standards are coming from. Pre-Christ?

Each day is so hard for him.

Choose your battles.

I was told that several times before our wedding day.

I’ve continued to heed the advice.

What happens when the battles are over showering, brushing teeth, eating, and taking meds?

The only place to run to and escape the heavy burden, is at the feet of Jesus.

Surrendering.

All of it.

Daily.

There are so many more thoughts.

So many more things to share about the last week.

Later. For now, please pray for us.

All day I tried to think of something to post on my Facebook status for Memorial Day. Everything I started to type sounded so impersonal and repetitive. I was never able to think of anything that satisfied, except for saying thank you. I know the men and women that have given their lives for our freedom aren’t able to hear me, but maybe you are a family member of someone or you know someone that sacrificed and to you I also say thank you.

To think of all the families that have given so much to make it even possible for me to sit here so freely on my laptop and share my heart with you…

Thank you.

p.s. Cale just said, “You are so much better than…something. Blank.” I asked what blank was, but he said he couldn’t think of it! Oh how he makes me crazy! Haha! He’s so cute when his left frontal lobe is not kicked back on vacation!




6 comments:

  1. My dear I pray for your courage and strength, I pray for cale to heal and move out of this season. Remember all the arms that catch you when you are weak and the same arms that wrap you in a cyber hug to help you when you need it. <3 Casey

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  2. Kathleen, I love and admire you so very much. I am praying that God holds you in his arms as you move through this season in your life. I am also praying that he will, in His wisdom, heals Cale and returns to you the man that is hidden. Whatever happens, I know He will sustain you, as you continue to give him the glory in your life.


    "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
    though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
    though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
    yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

    The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights." Habakkuk 3:17-19

    Praying that He will enable you to tread on the heights.
    I love you,
    Aunt Karlene

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  3. Kathleen, often I've wondered how you do it. How you get through each day, and it seems it's so differently and so similarly to how I and every other follower of Jesus might--at His feet, as you said. I have no idea what it's like to fight with my husband over brushing his teeth or maintaining regular hygiene, but I am praying with you and seeking God's face on your behalf as you grow and learn through all of this! As always, thank you for being transparent and taking us along with you on this journey--allowing the body of Christ to encourage, support and function as God designed it to.

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  4. My Sweet Kathleen, I love you SOOOOO much. Father LOVES you even more. You are my hero. I don't understand why Father has you going through this. I do KNOW that Father is the one orchestrating each moment of your day, though. (Psalm 139:1-7 or 18) I am trusting Father to make clear to you JUST WHAT GIFTS He is giving you through this, AND I am trusting Him to give you an abundent supply of ALL needed for this time. May you have a special touch of His love and grace this very moment. Marion

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  5. I think it goes unsaid, but just so you know... We stand WITH you in prayer; for you in prayer; and against Satan and all his tactics! I pray right now for the Holy Spirit to overwhelm you with peace, patience and love for each moment. We trust that the Lord will carry you through the good times and the bad, and that the good times will become even more often as our Heavenly Father heals and touches both of you. Unceasing prayers...
    Terri

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  6. I love you sweet Kathleen....may the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit embrace you!
    Love you both, Kimberly

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