Daily I surrender...

Friends, I’ve always been honest with you. I may sometimes leave a few details out or wait to share a few things, but so far along this journey we’ve traveled together, I’ve always let you see my heart and all that goes on in my little mind.
Tonight I’m coming to you for prayer.

I was able to get out of the house with just Mama this afternoon which hasn’t happened in way too long. It was good. I needed fresh air. I needed Mama to make me laugh and be silly with.

It’s been a challenging season with Cale. I’m not sure that I can quite pin when it started, my guess is Aprilish. Times like this are always in and out and even day to day we go up and down so much if you were in a plane, you’d vomit for sure.

Cale has no control. When he knows that he’s hurt me, it hurts him, but in the moment, there’s no reasoning, no understanding. Nothing outside of his little bubble matters, including his wife.

My heart breaks.

Over and over again.

I tell myself it’s only for a season. Lord, please let it be only for a season.

I try every possible tactic I can think of to help free us from those ugly minutes.

After they pass, he’s completely amazing in every way. Making my heart melt and dream.

He doesn’t know.

Sometimes, it’s a fit like a child, a tantrum when his way isn’t met. Frustrating…annoying…hilarious; a mix of it all.

Sometimes, it’s anger.

Day after day.

I find myself not as patient with him lately.

I try. I know it’s not him and that he doesn’t understand.

My heart breaks.

Over and over again.

So many tears.

One huge area I miss in our marriage?

Cale leading me spiritually.

He no longer has the initiation to lead in prayer, to bring the Lord into his day, or to lead me.

Some days, his standards, morals, and thought pattern line up with the way it all was pre-brain injury.

Some days, I have no clue where his thoughts, words, or standards are coming from. Pre-Christ?

Each day is so hard for him.

Choose your battles.

I was told that several times before our wedding day.

I’ve continued to heed the advice.

What happens when the battles are over showering, brushing teeth, eating, and taking meds?

The only place to run to and escape the heavy burden, is at the feet of Jesus.

Surrendering.

All of it.

Daily.

There are so many more thoughts.

So many more things to share about the last week.

Later. For now, please pray for us.

All day I tried to think of something to post on my Facebook status for Memorial Day. Everything I started to type sounded so impersonal and repetitive. I was never able to think of anything that satisfied, except for saying thank you. I know the men and women that have given their lives for our freedom aren’t able to hear me, but maybe you are a family member of someone or you know someone that sacrificed and to you I also say thank you.

To think of all the families that have given so much to make it even possible for me to sit here so freely on my laptop and share my heart with you…

Thank you.

p.s. Cale just said, “You are so much better than…something. Blank.” I asked what blank was, but he said he couldn’t think of it! Oh how he makes me crazy! Haha! He’s so cute when his left frontal lobe is not kicked back on vacation!